A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I only turn 16 tomorrow, and I do not wish to bore you with my pathetic problems however for the past year I’ve been romantically involved with a guy from my year at school. Because I liked him for so long before he asked me out; when he did it was amazing! However he did inform me that he did have a "thing" with another girl from a posh private school, but insisted he preferred me and I was more suitable for a long term relationship. For the first month things between us were great, we met up often i felt he was really into me and that we would last until at least the end of school . However when his best mate from London came up north, things began to change, he became in touch with " grammar school girl " again and although contacted me still, seemed more cocky and passive than usual; and it bothered me that he was liking and commenting on this other girls face book pictures not to mention meeting up with her and other " girl mates". I suspect he noticed I wasn’t happy with this as my friends hinted things to him and I was a bit passive with him myself for the remaining week. Yet as we returned back to school things in my eyes were fine, but when he didn’t arrange to meet up that weekend I could tell something was up and the following Wednesday I was dumped ( due to his indecisiveness- he didn’t feel as strongly as before and couldn’t decide if we were meant to be). As you are when this happens I was heartbroken and cried my eyes out for days as this guy was the only proper relationship id had and id never felt strongly about anyone before until him. I told him I didn’t wish to speak to him until I was fully over him because I thought there was no going back and wanted to move on before considering becoming friends again. I was certain this was the right decision, but soon later he began texting me again with the sweet talk and I gave in, I tried twice but couldn’t help but talk to him. Now you’re probably thinking this boy clearly doesn’t want you, yet doesn’t want anyone else to have you, and I can see why, he constantly kept telling me how he’s a dick and feels like jumping off a cliff because he thinks I’m amazing and the perfect girlfriend yet doesn’t quite "feel the same ". As much as this confused me I accepted we wouldn’t have a future and tried my best to move on. I have mutual friends with this lad and attended a big party weeks later which involved me getting very dressed up, this boy was there and i could see he was looking at me all night and occasionally came over to talk; the following week he began to get flirty again and he promised he wouldn’t flirt unless he was planning on asking me out so i knew what he had in mind, yet I remained strong and told him I don’t think its healthy for us to get back together but made the mistake of saying once I meet a knew guy i have my eyes on I will be 100% over him. funnily enough after that he began telling my friends that he wanted to ask me out again but was worried id say no, and even told me he wished he could turn back time and regretted dumping me and " loved me tonnes" and didn’t realise what we had until hed lost me. So as you can expect we met up that weekend and decided to give things another go as I figured everyone deserves another chance and he’s hormonal and a typical lad and I did still want him a lot so it was a perfectly normal choice. Furthermore he told me the reason why he went off me before was due to the fact that he missed spending time on his work and schoolmates which are very important to him and I respected this because I realise lads adore their freedom I even had long conversations with my parents about this topic so figured with work we really would last this time round. A month later I’m as confused and depressed as ever because here I am with this boy I "love" yet I’m still not happy. The second time round things felt boring and in my opinion the relationship was "lacking" we did meet up a couple of times in the xmas holidays and had a lovely time and it was romantic around Christmas etc , but again at new year his mate came down again and like before I noticed he was in touch with this "grammar school girl" in fact through face book I ascertained that even after new year when his mate went home he visited this girl at her house, and all over his wall there were flirty comments from her . I never actually brought up the subject of this girl at this point because was worried id seem paranoid and clingy like before so tried to stay cool but eventually my friends could see I was unhappy with the relationship. Compared to most teenage lads he’s quite respectable and the flirting wasn’t that bad but it was definitely there, and I couldn’t stand being with sum one who didn’t quite "love" me as much as I loved them anymore; id already discussed with him how I felt like I was the one putting the effort in when it came to meeting up out of school, (but he just kind of ignored this and said he understood and brought up totally different topics such as do I think he’s frigid etc?! ) it wasn’t just myself and friends who noticed i clearly wasn’t happy it was my family too, and they strongly advised i finished with this guy because they felt by having banter all over his wall with other girls obviously meant he was flirting/ in touch with others and clearly wasn’t that fussed about spending much time with me hence the fact that id discussed things with him but things had barely changed ( yet I only left it a week should I have waited longer before making my decision ?:/) ... so I dumped him.. I told him as clearly as I could my reasons for finishing but still to this day I’m not entirely sure if he grasps my feelings, but I’m hesitant to bring up the subject now because it just complicates things further. I guess my parents are right when they give me relationship advice but sometimes i do wonder if there advice creates tension between me and my ex and i should just stick to making my own decisions even though i am naive . This time I made a promise to myself that it really was it and time for me to grow up and move on. my schoolwork and family and to an extent friendships had suffered as a result of me spending to much time texting, talking, thinking and meeting up with this lad. but deep down I knew I couldn’t just ignore and pretend this lad didn’t exist when I saw him everyday at school, we were in lessons together had mutual friends, hung out in the same place and he still text me all the time( and reminded me of how he loved how close wed gotten since the break up and told me how he never wanted to lose touch.( which I’m not going to lie and hate to admit enjoy this as subconsciously I enjoy the attention and still want him) It’s been a month since I last broke up with him but if anything we are closer than we were when we were together. For a few weeks I enjoyed this because to me it meant I could flirt with other guys, I supposedly had no pressure/ confusion but still had the satisfaction of knowing he still had feelings for me. A week after we finished my ex became extremely drunk at a party to the point where he was sent home in ambulance! but as he was being sick and shaking over the toilet I looked after him and realised I still cared about him so much, that night because he was so drunk revealed to everyone how he still " loves" me and even when he was vomiting still managed to tell me how sorry he was for everything and that he really did "love " me. On a few occasions over text he’s mentioned how sorry he is for us not working out, and how after speaking to his mum realised how much of a dick he was when we were together but that I deserve better than him etc, but always gets in that he still loves me . I love the satisfaction of knowing he still likes me but I’m scared of suggesting getting back together because I know he likes things the way they are between us because we are so "close" and also I realise how I need to respect myself and getting back with him is not healthy for me. Last week we ended up making out at a party I think it was partly because we were both slightly tipsy, bored and got the urge. I was fine with this and knew nothing would come of it, and was just a bit of fun, but this week I’ve been thinking how I’m playing with fire and at some point I’m going to get burnt. But the reason I’m writing to you is because I’m finding it incredibly hard to get myself out of this yo yo relationship with this boy who I cant decided is right for me or not, he’s the most respected good looking, intelligent well liked male in my year and isn’t the typical "arsehole " that most teenage lads are; he is kind and considerate and I know for a fact is a great mate but between us we are more than friends, but both know being together is not the right decision right now. However I know we can’t be in this “friends with benefits"- "open relationship" situation where he constantly compliments, texts and talks to me. Not to mention stares at me/ winks in lessons, I don’t think he understands how risky he’s being; but that doesn’t stop me from encouraging/ playing along: / in my head I know its wrong but in my heart I like things the way they are but I know we cant go on like this forever because like I said it will all just end in disaster.The best way to move on from someone is to destroy all contact but when I see him every day at school, we text all the time, and there’s a possibility we will be attending the same sixth form... how can I do this? And it doesn’t help that I’m still emotionally attached and unsure about whether i even want to distance myself and move on. But please cupid I really need your help because it’s not doing my schoolwork, family relationships and mental state any good. Thank you and hope you can help me xxxP.S- he’s just recently told me as my birthday is coming up he’s getting me an expensive present which is linked to valentines day: s, and last night he confessed if he was going to spend valentines day with anyone it would be me and we got onto the topic of having kids in the future: / part of me thinks he really does mean this but doesn’t always think before he says stuff, but what does he mean by this and why is he saying it? ...
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