A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I've been with my BF since 2001 and we have had our ups and downs but I do love him and I can't imagine being with anyone else. I have a real chemistry with him physically and he has been very loving, generous and loyal to me. However, he has another side to him where he can be rude and insulting which bothers me. He also has a bad temper. He blames his behaviour on his ex wife because he said being married to her for so long stressed him out etc etc .. He said she was bad tempered and had affairs but sometimes when I look at how he behaves I think it was six of one and half a dozen of the other and not all her fault at all. The thing is, that although we've been together so long he says he never wants to get married again, never wants to live together again etc etc .. When I met him his divorce was going on and he has not been divorced for about 2.5 years so I think he could have got over the bitterness of it by now?? He seems to juts want to us to see each other 2 or 3 times a week but no real commitment. He is 51 and I am 41 yet he sometimes talks about meeting someone else, someone who is slimmer than me, has more money etc etc .. I have a good job but was a single parent for years whereas he was always on a reasonable salary, was married and had only one son so he has a lot of money saved up but he seems to resent having to put any of it into a joint house with me. I would pay my way too but he keeps saying he wants his son to get all his money as an inheritance when he dies (his son is now 19 and at university and my daughters are similar ages and at university). He is also very difficult at times, he sulks if he can't get his own way, for example, he likes to watch the films he wants to watch and at the times he wants to watch them, so if my daughter is watching something when he wants to watch a film he gets angry. Also, he refuses to talk to anyone at breakfast time but instead he sits there reading and re reading an old woody allen book. I can understand a guy being a bit quiet in the morning and reading the paper but he actually gets angry if he has to speak. He makes very little conversation except when tipsy and just seems to want to come round, have sex, watch a strange old film, then go on the computer, go to bed etc etc ... He takes me out for a meal once a week and buys nice birthday presents etc .. He is very controlling also and constantly walks around the house checking things. Have I been with him so long that I have got used to behaviour that is not acceptable?? Would other women/Aunts put up with this?? If I say something to him to try and discuss something of interest he will say I am talking 'crap' and he is not interested in going on holiday to places that I like. He wants to go to Spain once a year or Disneyland in the US which is fine but I also like Italy, france etc .. and he just says he doesn't like French people and refers to Italians as 'spivs' etc etc .. He also picks and criticises and tries to put me down and he is fond of reminding me that my daughter took an extra year to complete her A levels, even though she is now averaging a 1st class degree and is in her final year studying English at Univ. I feel as though I am attached to him and used to him and we do have a strong physical attraction, which I have never had with any other man but I am feeling as though I am not my normal self much anymore and many nights I have sat in the bathroom crying after he has insulted me about my weight (I am size 16 and I am told I look ok although I do want to lose a dress size or so) but he would like me to be much thinner. My friends and friends of friends have said that he is unattractive and awful, a 'bigot' and that I am 'elegant intelligent and very very pretty' and 'could do so much better'. Deep down in my heart, looks and money etc aside, I know that his behaviour is weird and wrong but I am so attached to him I find it hard to leave and when he said 'we will never live together' it actually made me feel upset and ill.I have supported him for years through many problems and troubles and now he seems to treat me like I am nothing and he could just dispense with me. I am 41 and spent so many years of my life, all through my thirties, with this man and he is the only man I have slept with since 2001 and I can't imagine being with anyone else yet I know in many ways I am settling for second best because he doesnt treat me right. My ex husband was violent and abusive and my current BF always compares himself to my ex saying that he is better than him because he works and pays his bills. He thinks that because he has a job and pays his bills that he is superior to a lot of people and that these two things are enough to make him a decent human being! His son told him that he was a bully and said to him 'i am sick of you bullying me n mum' (re the ex wife). Sorry for the long post, I am just trying to cover everything and give an honest post in context. Thank for your any comments. I feel as though I am in a real emotional rut, I feel 'stuck' and it is distressing me and making me ill and i find it hard to think clearly because of my deep affection for him when he is nice and because I guess I depend on him and have done for so long. Thanks.
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affair, divorce, ex-wife, his ex, money, my ex, on holiday, university, violent Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, hmcm +, writes (22 February 2010):
OMG what a B...... why are you with this selfish mean ignorant pig headed person who does he think he is you wouldnt treat a dog in that manner, on one hand you have to acept that he doesnt want to marry or live with you thats an issue in its self but apart from that i dont know about you but thw people i love in my life i tend to treat with great affection and respect and couldnt bare to hurt there feelings but he seems to take great plesure in doing the opposite, let him sit on his own for a good long hard rethink of his behaviour and take your apparently looser backside to your friends and family who know your great and get your self esteme back and let bully boy destroy somebody elses head
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2010): Hi thanks for your answer. Re his childhood his dad didn't speak to his mum much and he thinks she had an affair which resulted in his older sister. He said his dad was very strange indeed and used to work but at Christmas he shoplifted for the children's presents. His mother was always on diets so didn't cook much etc etc .. Nowadays he doesn't keep in touch with his sisters because when he last visited, years ago, with his son, they had an argument because he said his sisters were 'using' his son to keep their children company .. which I thought was a bit strange because cousins would normally play together. He doesn't have any friends as such and now he tells me he has met a girl at work that he likes ... He son says he cannot talk to his dad about anything. If for example he reads something in the paper that he disagrees with he will be in a bad mood and take it out on somebody else. He is quite lazy at work although he has a well paid job and there is a woman at work who gives him extra work to do, as she rightly says 'we are supposed to be providing a service' and refers to her as a 'stupid bi*ch' etc etc .. I could go on and on...in fact I could probably write a book! I hope this gives some context re his childhood. Will he ever be normal at 50 yrs of age with this history?? I suppose I thought he could change as he can be so loving and affectionate and can be sweet and funny and caring .. but lately the bad times are more frequent than the good times. Thanks :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2010): Listen sweetie, i think you need to get out and find someone else who loves and adores you. He sounds like he has an emotional problems, what type of childhood did he have. did anything happen in his life that would have an effect on how he treats others. He has some serious issues within himself. you need to find out how to boost your self esteem. I don't have to know you to know that you're beautiful inside for even putting up with a man like this for so long. You are indeed use to him and you have grown accustomed to this type of treatment. You are 41 which is the new 31, still young right? right, get out now i don't think hes well in the head and he might stress you to your death!
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