A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I don't want this this to come off the wrong way, but I need some help. I love my fiancée and we have a great relationship. I'm physically attracted to her but I find myself turned off a lot because of her acne issues. She's dealt with really bad acne and other skin issues most of her adult life. Such as on her face, chest, and her intimate areas. They have left bad scars on her fair skin, and continues to break out. It's upsetting for the both of us. She has tried everything under the sun to clear it up with no success. I have even insisted in paying for her prescription creams and medication, and have spoken to the skin doctors myself. The last few months she has become frustrated and has given up on finding treatment. She has not been using anything at all to help calm it so I've been upset. I personally do not like the acne and find it to be a turn off, and I'm unhappy that she has given up. Please help
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (11 December 2015):
 Yes, I had to use double protection for the 8 months I was going on it. My dermatologist gave me good insight into his experience with treating patients with it, I felt I was well informed. But I guess there could be some doctors out there who are less careful, so do make sure to get all the information. Someone on isotretinoin absolutely can not get pregnant while on the treatment, but this is all information that the doctor will (or at least should!) inform about. My friend and I, who both did the treatment, only experienced the common side effect of dry skin/rashes for the duration of the treatment, which meant a lot of body butter went down to always moisturize + no sun bathing and SPF30 for an entire year.
Some also reported depression as a side effect, but my doctor told me that is mostly because people with severe acne are often times depressed before they start the treatment, because acne is the cause of depression and low self esteem. That is also why I got the prescription partially paid for by the government, because the doctor could only prescribe it if the patient was feeling depression over their acne. So yes, I too was "diagnosed" with a risk of depression in order to get the treatment.
But if your girlfriend is already struggling with a mental illness/depression then that's also something to consider. Talk to the doctor about it.
A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (11 December 2015):
I just wanted to respond to Chigirl's advice to try isotretinoin and point out that is just a different name for accutane/roaccutane which as I mentioned earlier, is not something I think people should take lightly.
It's a very strong drug which can have serious side effects and (as in my case) only works for a limited number of years. I'm not saying your girlfriend shouldn't try it, I mean I did myself, but she should definitely do the research and weigh up the pros and cons.
Some people have no side effects at all, some people are still suffering from serious complications years later and wish they'd never tried it. I'm somewhere in the middle personally. A quick Google search will show points of view from all sides and also uncover lots of facts about the drug that can help her to decide (if indeed she wants to consider it at all).
For example, lots of people don't know that this drug was originally created as a cancer treatment (similar to chemotherapy), or that women have to sign a disclaimer saying they will not get pregnant because it causes so much damage to an unborn baby. So it really must be a well researched and thought out decision either way.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (11 December 2015):
I don't mean to spam, but after reading some posts here I just want to say that I do not find you shallow at all, and nor should you think you are. We are all (yes, ALL of us) superficial in different degrees. You are not shallow, because you are after all in a relationship with her, engaged to her, and you're on here seeking advice on what to do because you do love her. If you were shallow you'd not ever have entered a relationship with her, if you found her acne a turnoff.
We don't love or are attracted to all sides of our partners. I had an ex boyfriend with a huge skin flap behind his knee. It was not sexy or attractive at all, and I can honestly say I was turned off by it. Lucky me, I didn't have to look at it that much as it was behind the knee, a place I didn't see that often. Also, who haven't had a partner with smelly feet, where you have to ask them to clean their feet before coming to bed because it would be off putting.
It's natural, and I do not know a single person who is attracted to acne or pimples. It, in itself, IS unattractive. But thankfully we as humans see people as a whole, and not just different parts. I am sure you are attracted to your girlfriend, otherwise why would you ever have dated her. But you are not attracted to her acne, which I find perfectly normal. Like I said, I don't know a single person who ever told me they found acne a turn on.
My boyfriend sometimes get pimples, and I don't find them attractive either, but that doesn't mean I don't find HIM attractive. Doesn't make you or me shallow.
Talk to a good dermatologist again, this can be treated and she is suffering just as much if not more than you are, so I am sure she wants to get rid of the problem as well! Just try to be supportive and don't ever tell her you don't find it attractive. She already knows it's unattractive, so doesn't need to hear it. Just keep it to yourself, but know that you're not being shallow or unreasonable for feeling the way you do.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (11 December 2015):
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Isotretinoin
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (11 December 2015):
Has she been to a dermatologist and tried isotretinoin?
That is the only thing that works for acne, but it DOES work. And the effect can last for years to a life time. I went through the treatment five years ago and my skin is still wonderful and clear, extremely rarely have any break outs, while before I had svereal bad breakouts all over my face. Now I get one pimple or acne just.. I dunno, twice a year.
The treatment is expensive, but might get covered by health insurance/government. Talk to a dermatologist and ask about it. I have a friend who really suffered from acne, her face was all bumpy and her chest and especially her back was all covered with it. She went on the treatment, and after it was done her skin was CLEAR as on a commercial. It's the only thing that works, no creams or product works. Only this medication. My dermatologist even said he finds it terrible how there are so many commercials for creams and cleansing products against acne, when none of them have a remote chance of working. Acne develops not on the surface of the skin, just cleaning and using cream will not ever work.
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A
female
reader, anonem +, writes (10 December 2015):
 I would suggest she changes her diet because I know most severe acne cases were solved from diet change and also she could try acutane but I heard it might or might not work and has severe effect such as depression, sucidial thoughts, etc. But if acutane works, it really does work. You should speak to a doctor about its treatments and effects.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 December 2015):
 jls022 gave extensive and great advice. I can't improve on that, but I can add that I feel a lot of sympathy for people with skin issues, because in this day and age everyone expects everyone else to look and be perfect - yet they don't grasp the fact that there is no sch thing as perfection.
She can keep trying a ton of different products and methods and get no where. My advice, suggest she goes to see a GOOD dermatologist, if she has already been, suggest she tries another. She might also go see her doctor. It can be hormonal. And controlling hormones? is not really feasible. Some birth control pills CAN help, but like others pointed out, they can have severe side-effects - so my question to you is, should she risk her life so YOU don't have to look at acne? Hmm?
If yo can't be supportive and loving of this girl, let her go. Instead of making her feel even more miserable about it.
It's not like she has CHOSEN to have acne or has it to upset you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2015): I had bad acne for years, about 10 years until I went on the pill (cilest) and also started using Anan-aloe Vera face wash .
Here's a link because I'd recommend it to anyone! If you can find it in your country I'd highly recommend it. My face went from being covere in acne to totally clear and soft after ten years of trying everything . But saying this, you should find her attractive no matter what. My partner still was turned on by me even with huge cystic acne on my face.
http://www.chineseherb.co.uk/index.php?main_page=product_info&products_id=836
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (9 December 2015):
I know you can't help how you feel OP but your post makes me really sad. I'm 30 now and I have been struggling with adult acne since I was about 19. I never had a single spot until then and all of a sudden developed big red cysts that are almost impossible to get rid of. And I can say that with some confidence because I've tried pretty much everything. Here's a rundown of everything I can remember from the last 11 years:
Proactiv/clearasil/freederm etc - pretty good for black/whiteheads from what I'm told but not for cystic acne. These types of products are actually too abrasive so they aggravate the condition and make it worse.
Benzoyl peroxide cream - the regimen on the acne.org website supposedly works for many but it never did for me even after persisting for several months. Instead it made the rest of my face red, sore and flaky.
Oil cleansing method - this is supposed to work by working alongside your natural face oils (unlike water) but it made my skin greasy and I felt unclean all the time.
Zinc supplements - no difference.
Perfectil - my skin and hair felt lovely but it had no impact on my acne.
Raw shea butter - I used this for 6 months with no change.
Castor oil - I used this for 4 months with no change.
Sulphur soap/coal tar soap/pears soap - no difference.
Non-comedogenic cosmetics - no difference.
Mineral make up - no change in my acne and this didn't cover it as well as normal makeup either.
Sudocrem - no difference.
Light therapy - no difference.
Dermalogica/clinique/cetaphil/dermol200 and a million other skincare brands - all worth a try but none of them made a difference.
Oxytrtracycline (antibiotic) - did nothing apart from make me feel nauseous for an hour after every pill.
Dianette (birth control) - I saw a mild difference but you can only stay on it for 6 months due to the risk of blood clots/DVT.
Marvelon (birth control) - slight effectiveness (as in less breakouts but not clear). I'm still on this now and it's been ok although my sex drive has diminished a lot.
Roaccutane - this worked perfectly for 3 years but my acne came back 6 months ago. It also made me feel weak and left me with rashes, nosebleeds and lower back pain that is only just starting to get better. I would never go back on this again no matter how bad it got, it's just not worth it (and apparently I had very mild side effects compared to others).
Diet - I don't eat dairy or sugar anyway, but I tried cutting out gluten and wheat for a couple of months and it didn't seem to make any difference.
So as you can see, it's been like a full time job trying to get it under control. I feel like I'm more than qualified to understand how your girlfriend feels and I can tell you that how she feels is disgusting and unattractive. If I had a pound for every person who offered me unsolicited advice on my personal hygiene then I could retire now, despite the fact my cleansing regimen is more strict and consistent than anyone else I know. So I'm well aware that others think I look disgusting/unclean too. I've also been rejected by men since I started dating again and I was dropped by my modelling agency at the age of 20 because no-one wanted to book me any more.
I was with my ex for 6 years and he was so incredibly supportive, telling me I was beautiful and it was just a couple of spots and it didn't change how he felt about me. I always suspected that may not have been true, but I think if he'd made it clear to me in any way that I turned him off and suggested it was somehow my fault for giving up after everything I'd tried, I'd have been really devastated.
Your fiancee's self esteem is already at rock bottom if she's reached the giving up stage (I've 'given up' 3 times altogether because I just couldn't take my hopes being dashed again for a while) so she really doesn't need to hear how turned off you are by her on top of that.
Seriously, my dermatologist has told me that acne is one of the most difficult things to cure because they don't know the root cause (plus it's likely to differ between people). Often it's just trial and error and even then some people never get rid of it. And sadly, people just don't understand how persistent it is until they've had it themselves.
I'm now back seeing a dermatologist who has suggested I may have a condition called perioral dermatitis instead of acne. This is a condition which affects women and mostly presents as sore red cysts around the chin and mouth areas.
He has prescribed another antibiotic (doxycycline this time) and recommended I use a fluoride free toothpaste so I've been doing that for 3 weeks so far. My skin has definitely cleared up a bit, yet I woke up yesterday with a new cyst and burst into tears. It honestly is a losing battle at times and its already starting destroy my spirit and self confidence again.
Like I say OP, I know you feel what you feel and you can't help that, so I'm really not trying to have a go at you in anyway. But multiply your feelings on your fiancee's acne by 100 and you'll have some idea of how unattractive she feels. She will also feel helpless if nothing is working, and she will be hyper sensitive to 'helpful suggestions' from people so please do be careful if you try to speak to her about this.
I'm sure like me she'll get her momentum back and she'll feel up to fighting it again soon, but until then she needs your support and love not confirmation that she's as undesirable as she undoubtedly feels. And if and when she is ready to tackle it again, I'm more than happy to speak to her/you about my experiences if you think that will help. Acne.org also has a great online community that she could access if she wanted some support/a friendly ear to vent to. Good luck to you both.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (9 December 2015):
 Im trying to get my hands on FERMENTED cod liver oil. Not normal, but fermented. it is supposed to work from the inside out which is helping to fix the problem rather than just the symptom. Things like Roacutane, I think I spelt that wrong, can have really bad short and long term effects. Like the other poster I have read that Dairy is not helpful for sufferers. If calcium is something of a concern it can be replaced with Chia seeds in cooking or drinks. All the best.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 December 2015):
 I mean to add a link: http://www.webmd.com/skin-problems-and-treatments/cystic-acne
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 December 2015):
What did the dermatolgists explain about her condition? (I'm assuming you were given permission under HIPPA to speak with them, btw)
Cystic acne? Rosacea?
Find a dermatologist specializing in the type of acne she has and bring her in for a treatment plan.
Obviously it's frustrating for her to have no success in treating her acne, which means that she needs to go to the best specialist you can find.
Good luck to her!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2015): As someone who has struggled with acne her entire life, this post is quite honestly mean and shallow. Why don't you try looking past her skin and into her heart? I'm sure she's absolutely radiant. Hopefully you can change your attitude before she changes her mind about you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2015): Get her off diary if you can ... meat too ... I suffered way into my late 20's with acne and within months of changing my diet I stopped having outbreaks. My skin is a lot clearer! I can't remember where I read it but it has something to do with the excess of hormone in cow's milk (excess of protient in eggs) that causes the acne to persist. What do you have to lose except try it?? Research Veganism for ideas on foods.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (8 December 2015):
 I'm wondering if she could have roseacha?
http://www.rosacea.org/
My wife had persistent acne which drove her crazy. She tried everything too. Although topicals (creams and such) never worked, she had some success with birth control pills forumulated with acne in mind. The last thing she tried was Accutane, which worked well for her but can have very scary side effects. Have you discussed this with the doctor?
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