A
male
age
36-40,
*zikylejfw
writes: Alright, here is a quick background of myself. I moved around a lot as a kid, (parents divorced when I was 6), learned all about marriages from the multiple ones my mother has been part of. I am an intellectual, a man of principle, and an advocate for the fair treatment of all human beings. I consider myself as open-minded as humanly possible, which is a resultant characteristic of my continuous journey of self discovery. I joined the Army a few months after graduating high school, signing up to be artillery, and was deployed to Iraq in '05. I was an M2 .50 cal gunner, and yes I was in combat. Yes I was severely traumatized by what I had to do there, but I have made miles of progress towards being in control of my anger and anxiety. Ive been in school for a few years now, studying anything and everything (engineering, chemistry, math, and physics peak my interest the most). Anyways, here is my problem. I met this girl I absolutely adored (I still adore her). She was from out of town, moved here with her bff and boyfriend. When I met her, she was still with her boyfriend. I got to know them (her and her boyfriend) and actually because friends with him. Now, understand that I respected their relationship, and I never once tried to press myself upon her, or solicit any advance. Like I said, I believe in principles (they are all that makes us human). She totally fell head over heels for me, and approached my about being intimate and getting to know one another. Now, I felt (though the truth is that I never completely asked openly) she was saying she wanted to be in a relationship (and therefore end her current one). So we started to see one another more frequently, and ultimately started having sex. She had not ended her relationship with her boyfriend yet at this point. (They lived together, she had noone else to shack up with because I was in the dorms of this fucking university). So, here is where it gets messy. Basically, she told her boyfriend that she wanted to break up with (earlier than I had thought). He took her on a long drive, smoked her out, and convinced her that it was a mistake to break up with him (or date me, I am not really sure what the exact idea communicated was). Anyways, she was really upset, but agreed with him. And.... they has sex later that night. I couldn't get ahold of her the entire evening. She comes and hangs out with me the next day, and I am none the wiser. In fact, she didn't even act much different. The general description for her off-kilter mental disposition was that she felt bad for leading her current bf on, but didn't know how to break up with him, and this part is important.. she didn't want anyone else to do it for her. I respected her (I still respect her) and didn't get involved in any way. Ok, so..... she gets convinced that I'm a mistake, and then changed her mind less than 24 hours later. A week passes.... then her boyfriend has sex with her again. This time she is sleeping when he advances on her. Like I said, I (obviously) wasn't there, and don't know the details. The week after this happens, she tries to break up with him again. So by this point, he is wise to the fact that she is digging me, though he doesn't know that I (and her) are really sexual people, and were doing all kinds of dirty things every day. I didn't think her boyfriend was trying to have sex with her during this period, because one of the major contentions they had is that he would "punish" her by not doing anything sexual for weeks on end. Anyways, a week after their second sexual encounter, he throws a party to which I am explicitly not invited That hurt me the most, because all of my supposed friends decided to go to this party, and none of them even asked me what I was doing. He tries to solicit sex again during this party, and she has had enough at this point. She walks a few miles, and spends the night in my car (I was drunk on someone else's floor this night). Basically, the semester ended, she broke up with him and lived wit me in a place I got just for us. He finds out we were together before the fact (her bff tells him), and he goes insane. Threatens to kill himself. She exchanges email/texts with him constantly. I have a problem with this. She says I should let her stay friends with her exes. I cave (open minded right?) and only have a few weird issues with the fact that they talked alone sometimes. A few months pass, and she needs to move out. Her bff needs a roommate, because her live is all up in the air. My girlfriend agrees, and after throwing a tantrum, I help her move. Before this, however, she tells me of the first time (when she was convinced I was a mistake). My fear (of her ex going to see her) becomes painfully true. He uses the bff as an excuse to go there, and basically pester my girlfriend. They hugged sometimes though. She said she wanted to take a break from our relationship for a week about 6 months after we met. It only lasts a week, and I convince her to give our relationship another try. Then she tells me of the second time. I really didn't take it well, and broke my guitar (it still makes me sad). Anyways, I have her call him a minute after she tells me, to tell her ex that she wants him out of her life. All I wanted for the entire time was for him to be out of the picture so we could have a go at love. Anyways, he leaves almost a year after they break up. We have been together for almost another year on top of that. She loves me more than anyone she has ever known, and tries to please me all the time. I have this mental demon though, which seems to come at go at will. All it takes is for me to think of any aspect of that lengthy nightmare, and I go straight downhill. So my question is...... how do I heal myself from this? I have had to do things, be part of things that caused a lot of weird damage to my chi, my inner calm..... but this trumps all of that combined. I am always lost, loving her and feeling separate and alone at the same time.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): This may not be what you want to hear, but they say karma is a bitch.
You basically stole your girlfriend from her previous boyfriend.
Your relationship started out as an affair, because you started having sex with her while she was still "with" her old boyfriend and hadn't yet broken up with him.
Yes she's with you now, but....the karma thing....
I'm sorry I don't have any idea how to get past the karma thing or how to make it right. I wish I did.
Maybe after you've suffered through what you're going through now, for longer, that will even it out..??
A
male
reader, Abass Abassi  +, writes (10 February 2011):
I do agree with Basschick, and gave u 5 stars for ur answer. very wise answer...but i disagree in one point, that let her in her own way ,instead of communicating that with her. i mean gave her the choice of deciding herself what to do...she is human has the feeling should understand how u feeling, not necessary to tell her about ur feelings and all...in a relationship knowing about one another feelings is much important rather than saying how u feel...it is obvious u wont feel good if she is with her ex.....second thing is that, she is very much unstable girl, do u thing being with an unstable and unconsistant girl can last longer...i am afraid u wont get rid of that feeling ever.....i have an advice for u, u know the more u live with her the more u will de depressed and wont know what to do....as it seems u r an intelligent guy what is the need of hanging with her;...love comes and goes, she is not the one. find someone who really loves u and respects ur feelings...being with her, u give uself sorrows only...... i am sure if u left u will be much normal and in a position to make up another relationship.....find a secure partner rather than sticking with someone who is not trustworty.....my words would be hurting u, but dear i am telling u something which is the reality, such a reality which u can never close ur eyes from.......leave her that will be in ur favour...u will be one or other day hurted from her....
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (10 February 2011):
You probably have trust issues because she cheated on you and slept with him when she had supposedly already left him to be with you. It's understandable that there was so much drama and it was so messy, because she was transitioning between relationships rather than breaking one off cleanly first and being finished with that before starting with you. During her transition period she was flaky and weak.But she's with you now, and has been for 2 years. Perhaps whenever you start to feel yourself going downhill, remind yourself that this was in the past and things are different now. but regardless, if you're having a tough time controlling your negative thoughts, if it takes one small thing to predictably trigger a mental downward spiral, I think you may want to see a counselor or therapist for some strategies on how to gain control of this. Maybe the stress of being in combat has had an effect on how you control anxiety or process it and it's now spilling over into other areas of your life.
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A
male
reader, RayBones +, writes (10 February 2011):
 I wish I had really good advice to give you. I myself have been in relationships that felt one sided in the committment department and it is always damaging.
It sucks for you because you realize that it's just an inner demon that you can't drop. I agree with Basschick that the gal seems undecisive in general and that is WAYY beyond frustrating.
You've been through a lot, it seems like you've earned and deserve some peace. I've been there with a few girls myself and it sucks in this day and age to have good old fashioned principles that make you appear weak to the rest of the world.
Good luck man. I hope it turns out good for you.
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (10 February 2011):
 You have a military background, and military people are very strong willed and strong minded. One of the things that bugs you the most about this girl is that she's weak. The whole back and forth swinging from you to her boyfriend is the sign of a confused little girl who can't make a decision to save her neck. So for one thing, I think you're disappointed not only in her for putting you through that hell, but you're a little disappointed in yourself. Coming out of combat, fitting back into society is no easy task, finding a soft place to land seemed like a good idea at the time, but it came with alot of unnecessary drama, which you probably didn't need. I also think it haunts you because deep down inside you know you don't trust her; weak people usually can't be trusted. Look how easily she was persuaded over and over again. You lack the kind of faith you need to sustain this relationship. One thing that might help, is talking to her and helping her become stronger. It might work. How you will cope with your feelings is the same way your got through all the baggage of combat. Did you go to therapy? Did you just throw yourself into your studies. The same will help you get through this ordeal. That and time. Good luck. And P.S. if you later come to realize she's not the girl for you, it's okay to give yourself permission to let her go and find love with someone new.
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