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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I've been seeing my boyfriend for a couple months already. He's great, he's very loving and I really trust him. He's very open about his past, though. That's great, because he's honest and it builds trust, and usually it doesn't bother me. But today just out of the blue he mentioned that he used to date a stripper. I have always struggled with body image. I was called ugly and was rejected all all through high school and don't have much experience with a ton of guys like most girls my age, plus, my ex was abusive and used my body image issues A LOT to control me. So knowing my current boyfriend dated a stripper kinda triggered this insecurity in me... I said nothing because he said it in such a "no big deal" tone, we were discussing something related to strippers so he said that. No biggie. I also don't want to come off as insecure because it's embarrassing to discuss my body image problems. I'm trying to rationalize this, especially since I've been feeling bad about my appearance lately and today he had some trouble keeping his erection hard. Usually he doesn't have many problems with that... but with today's confession I'm afraid he loves my personality but isn't attracted to my my average, non-stripper body.(They broke up because she moved to another city and they hadn't been seeing each other long enough for him to make the kind of commitment of moving with her... in case any of you say that they must have been incompatible so I shouldn't worry... they broke up for circumstances beyond their control, not because of problems)
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broke up, erection, insecure, my ex, stripper Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2014): My boyfriend told me the same thing only with more details on how hot she was, how much money she made, etc. I understand how his comment gave you insecurity you didn't have before. The mind kind of runs away. But know that you have so much more going on than some skank who will spread her legs and grind on a stranger's crotch for a dollar. Who cares what she looks like when she doesn't possess 1 iota of morals. The bigger issue is what it says about his character. Do you want to be with a man who finds that lifestyle acceptable? Date-able? Would your boyfriend find it sexy if you gave another guy a lap dance? He found it acceptable when she did it. Every man wants the "stripper" girlfriend notch on his belt, it gives him bragging rights for his buddies. So don't worry about your looks, I'm sure you got it going on. You sound like a woman of morals and that is a highly attractive quality.As far as his limp noodle, well trust me, it's not you sister. He has an issue of his own there.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (30 December 2013):
 "and they embody the male fantasy... most women feel insecure when their guys go to a strip club"
Says you, who can read the minds of men..?
Lets face it, women are insecure not because guys go to strip clubs, but because society teaches women to never be proud of themselves and never think they're good enough and never think much of themselves, and for some it is getting the better of them, while others resist it more. You've gotten knocked down by how OTHERS think you should be, should look etc. Society as a whole, perhaps, but especially your ex boyfriend.
I grew up not giving a crap about what anyone thought of me, and maybe I look amazing or maybe I don't, but I like myself for who I am, never had body issues, and never thought low of how I look, how I perform, how I act etc. I take pride in myself and am not afraid to show off. It doesn't cross my mind if I am what men want. Who cares?! They can go after what they want, and if that happens to be me then great (if I happen to like them too) and if not then too bad for them.
You could benefit from adopting a bit of my "so what" attitude and don't care so much about the opinions of others. What others think of you DOES NOT change who you are. You are who you are, you look like what you look like. Your boyfriend isn't blind, he knows what you look like and he still wanted to date you, so obviously he finds you attractive. Whether he also found his ex attractive is completely irrelevant, and whether she had big boobs or not.. OMG, how is that relevant to your relationship?
Just because he dated her doesn't mean she is his preferred physical type. He dates you as well, so by this reasoning you are also his preferred type...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2013): "But let's face it: if you have an average body with average sized parts, cellulite and such (like me), nobody is going to pay you to take off your clothes. To be a stripper, you have to be hot."Believe it or not OP, that statement is not as true as you believe it to be. Visit some strip clubs if you don't believe me. I'm not going to say that hot strippers don't exist, but most I've seen have been average and are not the the Playboy model "fantasy woman" you are envisioning. I've even seen some that...well, lets just say have made me think I'd pay to have them put clothes back on...The strippers I've seen also have pretty normal size breasts. Never came across many, if any, with implants. In fact one of the sexiest strippers I met had smaller breasts. But then again that's what turns me on. For as many men there are that like big breasts, there are just as many that like small breasts.THIS NEXT PART APPLIES TO ALL WOMEN. Please don't judge yourself based on a man's sexual performance! There are so many things that can affect that that have nothing to do with you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2013): Hi :)
I have a quick piece of advice for you:
Briefly discuss this with your BF and agree not to talk about exes anymore.
If you're anything like me, the more you know, the more insecure you'll be. I know WAY too much about my BF's exes. When I finally told him to stop talking about them, about 6 months into our relationship, the damage had already been done. I knew all about them, what they were good at, what they did together, what they looked like, blah blah blah.
I wish I hadn't asked questions and I wish he had never given me so much info.
But if you're starting to feel insecure about it now, I definitely suggest that you stop talking about it now, before it gets worse!!!
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (29 December 2013):
 I think you're making too much of nothing.....
For example: If he had dated an architect, would you feel insecure because you'd never designed a building? ... or, a professional figure skater; and you have trouble just standing up on your roller blades?
Please... keep his past in perspective... AND let it remain in the past...
Good luck...
P.S. The bit about why they parted ways..... IF'n they REALLY were attracted to one-another... THEN they'd have found some way to hang together, regardless of where she moved....
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (29 December 2013):
 Uh oh, the exes. I think everyone has felt insecurity about an ex at some point. It's impossible to know which thing will set it off. In this case, I think the word stripper has probably made you conjure up this image of a Victoria's Secret model in a swanky club, right?
First of all, this is not hollywood. Most strippers are not insanely hot bikini models, often they are pretty normal looking. They have cellulite, body hair, stretch marks, and things that jiggle they wish wouldn't (i.e. thighs, tummy, arms). Secondly, if she WAS hot, you must be too as he is dating you now. So clearly he does find you very attractive, or he would not date you in the first place. Thirdly, while there are strippers who choose to do it, there are also many who are drug addicts, running away from home, sex abuse survivors, etc... who are just struggling to get by. Not living a glamorous life with tons of money and a consistently perfect body.
Her moving away is not a situation totally out of their control. She could have stayed and he could have moved. But neither did that because they just weren't THAT crazy about each other. I've certainly heard of people doing far crazier out of lust, and theirs just wasn't really that great. In addition, they didn't even try long distance. I've never heard of someone being crazy about someone else and not at least trying the long distance thing to try to hold on. They just let it end.
I know it's hard, but you have to try not to worry. Despite your assertion that it was totally out of their control, it wasn't. They just didn't like each other that much and her "stripper body" wasn't like, hypnotically amazingly hot enough to make him chase her.
Try to relax, if he wanted her more, he WOULD be with her, regardless of her location.
Also to add, all guys will occasionally have trouble staying hard or finishing, if it's not happening constantly it's nothing to worry about.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2013): I'm the original poster. chigirl, I never said I think he dated her just because of her body. But let's face it: if you have an average body with average sized parts, cellulite and such (like me), nobody is going to pay you to take off your clothes. To be a stripper, you have to be hot. And where I live, strippers usually are skinny with big breasts (I'm neither skinny nor busty). Now, I'm not saying he wasn't into her personality, he definitely was, but I'm not insecure about my personality, I'm insecure about my looks. You're assuming a lot of things from what I posted, which I don't think, for example, that I think all strippers are empty, with no personalities... this girl he dated was probably stripping to pay her tuition, which I don't object to, and I don't think she was just a hot body. It's just that strippers usually have implants, and very fit bodies, and they embody the male fantasy... most women feel insecure when their guys go to a strip club, and usually the advice is "they're just fantasy, he's not sleeping with them". In this case, he has had that fantasy woman... like I said, last night, for example, he was having some erectile problems. He's not the first guy to have them with me, and that always makes me feel like I'm not sexy enough. I know I have a very ordinary looking body, and to me, my looks have always been what makes me the most insecure, it's a very sensitive topic for me because of how many times I was told I was ugly and undesirable. I'm the complete opposite of a stripper... not that I'm fat, but I've never been able to have a fit, athletic, cellulite free body, and I have small breasts. I'm just saying, I would never get that type of job, because I don't fit the requirements. It's just intimidating. I'm guessing it's just as intimidating as telling a guy you dated a guy who had a 10" penis, or who was a fitness model, or whatever. I know it's petty and childish, which is why I'm not gonna waste my time and possibly ruin my relationship by bringing it up, but for me, I've always felt I'm undesirable (also because I haven't slept with many guys)... so this is like a trigger. Just that. I'm not saying either him or her are the problem, I know it's me... but it's so hard to feel confident when I have a deficient body and when you know your boyfriend has had better.I mean I love that he loves my personality, but I also want to feel I'm desirable, you know? It's not that he's been attracted or is attracted to other women... it's just, most guys never get to sleep with a stripper, they never taste the fantasy woman. And he has, which for whatever reason, I find intimidating. I'm worried he likes that better and will eventually get bored with my body and leave me. Sex is not all that matters in a relationship, true, but if all you have is personality and you lose physical interest, then you have a friendship more than a love relationship. And also, sex is very important for me.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (29 December 2013):
I think you have a very negative view on women in general, not just yourself. Just because a woman worked as a stripper you assume that she must have had no personality, and that she was just a hot body. You don't even know what she looked like, you just assume. I've seen strippers of a great variety, they don't all look the same.
Second, in this thought process you also picture your boyfriend as some shallow idiot, and you presume to know his taste in women. Is it impossible to think he dated this stripper because he was attracted to her personality? Maybe he didn't find her sexually stimulating, because stripped in my experience have bodies identical to body builders. Not all guys like a woman who can lift more weights than he can. But you assume that this, whatever she looked like which you don't even know, is his preferred taste in women. What do you know, maybe he prefers your type of looks and she was just the exception?
In either case, so what if he was attracted to her body, he was in all probability attracted to her personality as well, unless he's some shallow idiot. Which he doesn't sound like, otherwise I doubt you'd be dating him.
Does the fact that he has found other women in his dating life attractive mean his past dates are a threat to you? That if they come back, you will be ditched? What is your fear exactly? That he doesn't find you attractive? Well, whether or not he's dated strippers in the past holds no bearing on whether or not he finds you attractive.
My guess is, he dated that stripper because he liked her as the woman she was, Judith, or Caroline, or Anna, or whatever her name was, not just her work title. Things didn't work out because she moved away and he WASN'T that into her to follow along and SHE wasn't that into him that she stayed put. They just weren't that into each other. Got nothing to do with amount of time they dated, people marry within months of knowing each other. If you're in love and infatuated and really into one another you do all sorts of things. They split up because they weren't that into each other, really. Lets just face that.
Now that I've argued how all of your points makes no sense, you're left with nothing other than your insecurity trying to give you reasons to feel insecure. Insecurity can become a sort of comfort blanket. Rather than face the harsh reality of possible rejection, you reject yourself first so that he can't possibly reject you. But in doing so, you can't ever "win" either, because you never put yourself at risk.
Take the risk of being rejected. That's the only way you can also "win" in love and possibly get acceptance, rather than rejection. Maybe he's already accepted you as you are, and the feeling of being accepted is so new and scary to you you are actively searching for traces of rejection somewhere... Just because that's what your ex used to do. I don't know, this is just what I'm thinking could be a possibility.
Before I add my answer I want to say once again that there is no such thing as "stripper body". A woman can be fit and not be a stripper. A woman can be an athlete and not a stripper. A woman can be a stripper and not be fit or athletic at all. Your boyfriend didn't date "a stripper" with "a stripper body". He dated a woman who he liked, who worked as a stripper (replace the profession with any other job title). The only thing her work title says about her is that she isn't afraid to take her clothes off for money. Nothing else.
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