A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I was in a relationship with someone until Friday. After thinking about everything between us I choose to end it after just under one year. I felt in a lot of ways wee weren't really compatible and tbh wee would be better as friends.I tried explaining this and my reasons for it and he went off on one and sent a message saying he wants me and then blocked me and not listened to a thing I said. From what I have seen he's getting drunk with his mate. My close friends have said I have done the right thing and my friends and family were all telling me while I was with him to get out of it for reasons that concerned them. I kept hoping things would improve and he wouldn't do somethings again but he did. i have a kid to think about too and after 10 months of trying and telling him certain things and coming back to this place again. I decided I had to end the relationship and even his friend who he's with tonight has texted to say he understands and can see why I needed to end it. Guess am just sad that it went the way that it did. Hoped wee could have stayed friends at the very least. I thought at the very least as he is 20 years older than me he would be mature enough to know what I am saying and see it too. Instead I'm sitting here feeling guilty that he is now sad and drowning his sorrows I guess. Was I wrong? Should have I kept trying? My intention was not to hurt him but I think I have. Obv I care or I wouldn't have tried to keep making things work but should I feel guilty for ending this now?Please help me make some sense of this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2020): Nothing is more condescending or insulting; than to be dumped, then offered "friendship" as some sort of appeasement or conciliation.
I know that's not your intention; but it's an attempt to stay in someone's good-graces by offering them a "consolation prize" of being your friend...but not your boyfriend! It's best to breakup, leave it at that; and expect him to go through whatever emotional-process necessary to come to terms with it.
You had to go through a process to reach the decision; and it was based on a lot of consideration, and the weighing of the pros and cons. Naturally, he's going to do his best to put you on a guilt-trip; while making sure all the news gets back to you to let you know how you're making him suffer. He's a grown-man. It is unlikely you're his first breakup; and you've probably had your own experience of breaking-up with someone else. The survival-rate of most breakups is 99.99%!
Don't encourage a friendship until he has gotten through his detachment-process; and acceptance that you're no longer in a romantic-relationship. Allow him to go through the emotional phases necessary to get-over you first, as his ex-girlfriend; before trying to be his friend. He doesn't want to be a friend, he wants to be your boyfriend!
Go no-contact! Avoid all communications by phone, message, or unexpected visits. Remove him as a contact on all your social media accounts, and block him from access. You make him a "stalker" when you vacillate back and forth; leaving him access for contact. His objective is to change your mind; and that could become a very relentless and annoying effort!
You will help him more by forcing him to man-up; rather than coddling him like a baby. The point is to make you second-guess yourself, and make you feel bad. If you took him back, and you remain unhappy and unfulfilled; you will have to do it all over again! Forming an on-again/off-again cycle that is unhealthy and unproductive. Incompatibility causes this behavior; but stubborn people never learn, they simply repeat their mistakes.
Leave it be! He's not a child!
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (24 November 2020):
 Block him too, it's just smart.
OP, you tried to do the whole pick a guy and MAKE him into the man YOU want. That isn't how life works.
People don't change because OTHERS want them to, they change because they want to and have to. One or the other.
Staying friends is not a good idea. RARELY is it a good idea.
I know staying friends might make you feel less guilty for ending it, but reality is, you weren't a good fit, the end.
Don't offer friendship to someone you just dumped. And who STILL has feelings for you. That is kind of selfish in inconsiderate.
You know he wasn't a good match. Accept it and move on.
He was a dud.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (23 November 2020):
 Without wanting to sound brutal, his happiness is not your responsibility; YOUR happiness, and that of your child, are your prime concern. You should never have to subjugate your happiness to that of someone else. If you were not happy being with him, then you did the right thing by ending the relationship.
Why would you feel guilty for giving priority to your life and that of your child? Guilt is an empty useless emotion. It achieves nothing and merely drains your energy. It is a habit we fall into; refuse to feel guilty for doing what was right for YOU.
Move on with your life. Despite your best efforts, your relationship didn't work out. Move on and find your happiness wherever it may lie; it was obviously not with your ex.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (23 November 2020):
 I agree with your friends and family, you did the right thing by ending things.
You felt like you was not compatible, and felt you were better of as friends. So you did the mature thing of being honest with him and ending the relationship.
No you was not wrong, it the feelings were not there it would have been pointless to have kept on trying.
You should not feel guilty for this, yes he is upset, but he will get over it, and so will you.
I understand your feeling sad at the moment, sad at how things went between the two of you. These feelings will soon dissipate and things will get easier. Just understand that you did what was necessary, you was upfront and honest, and you did the right thing.
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