A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:HiJust looking for some friendly advice...Im 18 and have left school officially, still in school for study time until next week.Like many other posters on this site, there is this teacher I am interested in; and so on, you get the picture. However, unlike many of the other posts I've read, I am certain that he likes me and that something is probably going to happen.We've hung on and waited and waited; have been extremely close and flirtatious now for about a year (without doing anything)and now that I'm no longer a student and will cease to be involved with the school at all next week the tension has become absolutely unbearable. I've never experienced chemistry like it; I am literally finding it hard to breathe when we're alone together. The entire atmosphere changes when he walks into the room. he cannot take his eyes off me; seems all pretence of his being my teacher has just gone.(I say nothing happened - a few days before I left school, bumped into him on a night out and with the emotion of my nearly leaving school and the change in atmosphere from usually being at school we wound up holding hands, and I stroked his hair for a bit. But that was all; managed to restrain ourselves otherwise.)He is married. Please don't berate me on my immorality because I know what I'm doing is 'wrong', and I've been over it a thousand times and I already feel horribly guilty.We've discussed what we're going to do once I've left properly and we want to meet up. The thing is, he doesn't want to go places in town because he's scared people from school (and no doubt his wife's friends, though he hasn't said so) will see us and assume something was going on when I was at school (there were rumours a while back). This is a problem because it sort of rules out going to concerts or the theatre or anything like that and means we're going to have to go to obscure places;alone in his car - and I am afraid this is going to turn into a fully blown affair. I'm scared of this happening because i feel so guilty, and im also quite afraid of having an affair, and sleeping with someone so much older than me.I'd be happy to try and just remain friends if we could. However I think with the chemistry between us he probably has other ideas because we've flirted so much while in school, and he DEFINITELY knows I like him like 'that', and I can't see why he would be so keen to meet up otherwise; besides I think my heart will get the better of me. The other day he said that we'd been 'in a safe environment so far, but once you take this situation out of here, all other things come into play' - which I take as basically saying things are going to progress, particularly after the holding hands which he has said he does not regret at all. I just feel incredibly confused about the whole thing, don't know what I can do because I actually cant bear the thought of never seeing him again; he's like my best friend and my lover, and I adore him. But the only way I can meet up with him is by hurting his wife, me, him and by changing my memory of him and how special the past few years with him has been forever.Help me! :(
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2009): If you really think about guilt than I can promise you tat you are a good girl.But at your age its difficult to control emotions and harmones .If you want to get rid of this guilt visit your teachers home ,meet his wife or his kids .Than your emotions will come to control.And remember one thing "man who is ready to cheat his wife for you dont expect loyalti frm him."
Best of luck
A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (3 June 2009):
 OH B.S.
WAKE UP!
He's married and he will never leave his wife. Don't be stupid and do this. You have so much more to life than wrecking a marriage right out of high school! And believe me, young lady, no matter how it goes down, you are gonna get the blame for it.
YOU NEED A WAKE UP CALL!
DO YOU HONESTLY THINK IF HE IS KEEPING YOU A SECRET NOW, THAT HE IS GONNA LEAVE HIS WIFE FOR YOU?
NO! He has too much to lose...his job, and social standing as an educator of children(that will be gone to him if you were to be discovered). He keeps you a secret because he has to, he wants you sexually, and thats about it.
Please disabuse yourself of any notion that this is a good thing to do. Otherwise you are going to be posting here in 6 months crying about "How could this happen to me???"
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (2 June 2009):
 No one said life was going to be easy. (Boy, when did I become my mother? Egads.) Sorry, let me try to put the situation in another frame for you, perhaps it'll give you a wider perspective.
Welcome to the wonderful world of wanting something that you just know you shouldn't have, even if you just "borrow" it temporarily. You're young, you're beautiful, your body is at its peak and hormonally, you are in full "attract man" mode. You're about to start a new phase of your life, things aren't going to be the same, you're an adult (a young one, but still an adult). Everything is unsettled and unsettling, and this hunk of a man who you've been attracted to for a year has made it clear that you are his as soon as he can get you alone. God, it is romantic, isn't it? Even I feel a bit of a swoon coming on.
The thing is, it’s okay to have these feelings. Really, it’s not like it’s a crime or anything. Lots of us get major crushes on those we can’t have. What matters then is what you choose to do with those feelings and what the reality of the situation actually is. Let’s put aside the inconvenient wife for the moment. Let’s pretend he’s single and free as a bird and is AVAILABLE. He’s just been waiting for you to grow up and get out of school so he can be with you. That sounds soooo great. But the thing is, he hasn’t actually done that. He’s married, sounds like he’s stayed married while he got to know you and has no plans for getting unmarried since he doesn’t want to be seen anywhere in public with you. He’s not leaving his wife.
Another cold hard truth; just because you find a man irresistible doesn’t mean he’s a good guy. I have known several absolutely charming and goodlooking men who were just as nice and as sweet as could be. Until you put them into a room, more than 50 miles away from the wife, and in this room, they knew knew no one from home. Say the room was a bar at a convention, just for giggles. Goodness, you never saw such concerted courtin’ as was being demonstrated by these men. Hooboy, the ones that surprised you were the ones that looked kinda innocent and sweet. The ones with that look in their faces (“Yeah, I’m a player. Want some?”) those were obvious. The sneaky ones were the ones that looked like BJ Hunnicut in MASH. (“Hi, I NEVER do this, but I’m finding you so attractive, I can’t help myself.”)
So your guy, while he may be gorgeous and sweet and cute and just YUMMY, well, hon, he’s a cheater. He’s grooming you up very nicely, has you well stoked up and ready to go. He’s even got you prepared to get into a car with him, since you can’t possibly go anywhere else in public.
Oops, did I actually get that blunt? Well, yes, I guess I did. I’ll let it stand.
You are at one of those moments in your life where you decide what kind of person you’re going to be. There are going to be many of these as you get older; but this obviously is your first biggie. Make the choice based on hormones and attraction, without any reason applied, and you are in for heartbreak. I guarantee it. Make the choice based on what is right for you for the long term, and what will not cause injury or hurt to another human being in the process.
Just to press my point here, let’s fast forward 20 years. Let’s say you’re married to a wonderful, charming guy who happens to be a teacher at a high school. Really try to sink yourself into this role. You have had the lovely wedding, you are blissfully in love with your man. You cannot believe your luck at having such a great life and the perfect future. You’ve just got a puppy and are thinking of having kids. Only your husband seems to be just a wee bit distracted and has had some late days at school…. I wonder what is going on in his head? Hmmmm.
Here’s your crossroads, here’s your decision point. And remember, no one said it was going to be easy. (Mom! Get away from the computer!)
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