| A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: Dumped almost a year ago , I never got a reasonable answer,(short term relationship), happily single for years before that. I didn't want lots of questions from family/friends in case it didn't work out (guess I was right there...)so said we were just friends - only 1 person knew (from me anyway) we were dating... so I can't talk to my friends (and anyway, they are busy with husbands/ kids/ grandkids even. I can't seem to get over it, I have no contact with him, but still think about him everday and it is driving me bonkers. Strangely he was more into me than vice versa. He's now loved up with someone else.I don't want to be with anyone at the minute, so dating to get over it is out of the question, but I am feeling down (his life is/seems perfect and mine isn't) I'm drinking too much alcohol,(not good I know) my house is a mess, I'm fat and ugly, have a job but always skint, have a house, haven't had a holiday for 10 years, in debt can't motivate myself to do anything but go to work really.Recently looked at old family photos (one parent deceased) and just think what is the point in anything anymore? I put on a front to the outside world and thankfully I have my own space to wallow/cry in, but I don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't want to see my doctor I want to deal with it myself, I don't cry infront of anyone ever really.I just want someone to tell me how to start enjoying life again, with limited income. I can't afford to join this that in the other or get a make over/hair style new clothes etc.What do I do?
View related questions:
debt Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2012): Op here. Thanks Tisha-1 for your constructive advice. What a good site flylady is! Thanks. Romanilove - I really don't think I am depreseed, but will defo look up the book (more my thing than a counsellor), I know a lot of people are definitely a lot worse off than me but sometimes we are all selfish and feel like our life must be the worst! Aunty Em - I can't wait for the fire to be extinguished! Am on holiday next week so will contact the rescue place about volunteer work. Also going to go and walk my friends dogs with her, shifts permitting.Having woken up today puffy eyed from crying with a hangover from hell, I am feeling strangely more positive! Reading my post shocked me, I just had a bad day yesterday and writing on here, a good old boohoo seems to have helped somewhat. I am making lists of the things I need to sort at home, and also am going to list all the things I have to be thankful for. Like I said, I don't think i'm depressed, just everything getting on top of me. I know I am the only person who can and will change that, but you Aunts have helped point me in the right direction, I'm very grateful.Oh I am going window shopping tomorrow, proper shopping and being treated to an outfit from my mum weds, seeing my close friend sat and have booked a weekend away in a couple of weeks (can't really afford it, but soooooo feel I need it/deserve and I can't wait for it to come around! (See I have already started to organise stuff to look forward to!)P.S. I am drinking tea tonight!! Lol. Oh and am thinking about buying a diary to let stuff out as I'm a 'bottler-upper' !Thanks alot xxxxx
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (26 March 2012):
 You will think about it for a while but with NO CONTACT, there will be no new imput of terrible details to keep the fire burning and it will eventually fade and die.
I think you hit the nail on the head...keep busy busy busy!!!
The dog walking idea is also excellent and you will meet other dog walkers (it's a huge community, so my friend tells me)
Don't slip back or be tempted to sneak a peek to the ex, because it will put you back to square one.
You could also be an aunt on DC and help other people with their issues...puts life into perspective it does!!!
BIG HUGS xxxxxxxxx
...............................
A
female
reader, Romanilove  +, writes (26 March 2012):
If you have insurance, I think you should consider seeing a therapist (Mental health counselor). Don't knock it if youve never tried it. It seems you bottle things up a lot and if you don't feel comfortable talking to friends a professional is really a great and confidential person to bounce your feelings off of.
I think everyone gets down sometimes and an unresolved relationship will only add to the downward spiral. Also, remember no ones lives are perfect. I read somewhere that if we threw all of our problems in a pile and we got to see everyone else's, we would run back to choose our own. Try to read "The power" Its actually an amazing book about adopting positivity in your life. You can buy it cheap off of amazon. Its a good start.
best of luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 March 2012):
 You know what? It's time to stop putting up a front. Be honest. Say to yourself and everyone, "here I am, this is me, this is what you get." Stop pretending to be something you are not. I think it's too hard to really connect with other people when you have this facade you have to maintain.
Don't feel great about yourself? Fine, be honest with people. You'll be very surprised at how many people share that issue. Don't have much money? The economy of many places is in the toilet, and you are most certainly not alone. Find inexpensive or free ways to entertain and educate yourself!
The messy house thing I totally understand. There's a free site that has great ideas for getting out of that rut: flylady.net (it stands for 'first love yourself") and gives you a structured and simple plan to tame the chaos ("can't have anyone over syndrome").
Fat and ugly? Oh my dear, I'm sure you have more potential that you know. Fat can be dealt with, ugly is purely state of mind and artful dressing and make up. Just start small, okay?
So first off, stop lying about how you feel about him. Tell a friend and get it out. The pretending is what's getting to you. Get that out of your system and you won't have to fake it anymore.
Who cares what the hell he's up to? Make your own closure. Do a ritual cleansing of him from your life and MOVE ON!! Do this with a friend.
Live your life out loud, with friends. People who are honest and open are soooo much more interesting than the ones who fake stuff. It's not worth the mental energy.
Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2012): OP. Thanks AuntyEm, I have cut all contact with him, fb, text etc. We have ZERO contact, I just can't stop my head from thinking about him for some reason (funnily enough when I'm busy it IS a LOT less)
I just feel like a bloody big failure to be honest! (I must be crap, because he dumped me etc, but I know I am a GOOD person)
I would love a dog actually to walk, not sure if I can afford it though, I like walking and maybe should think about walking dogs in rescue for now?
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (25 March 2012):
It's really shitty and difficult to get over an ex so sorry you are stuck in this right now.
The ONE thing you can do which will empower you and remove your fear is to CUT ALL CONTACT...no pics, no FB or twitter, no word of mouth or rumours, no calls, texts...NO NUMBERS.
The only way to allow your heart and mind to forget is to STOP LOOKING and stop concerning yourself with what he is doing now or how he wronged you. There is nothing that can be changed about that and quite frankly it would be less painful to hit yourself on the head repeatedly with a plank of wood.
You are entrenched in grief with a constant running tape going round and round in your head of all that has happened. You can get off of the 'grief wheel' at anytime and restart your life but you HAVE TO STOP looking at whats happening with his.
As for budgets and having a life, well the previous aunt answered that one..there are many things you can do to enhance your life but I feel you arn't really in the mood to hear about that right now.
You can do it...time will heal but not if you keep smashing your face in the gory details...give yourself a break from it, just for a while and try to step off of that wheel.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2012): OP. Thanks for your advice supermum, my title was 'stuck in a bloody big rut'... they changed it...I have taken on board what you've said (but seriously you have me sooo wrong if you think I am attention seeker...)I'm not an alcoholic tramp or anything! Just drinking too much because I feel down (vicious circle), I know I need to cut down...I'm feeling blue/really down, not all the time, but in particular today, and don't want to anymore, I want to feel normal again! Why would anyone bear their sole on here just for attention? It's humiliating enough as it is to even feel the need to ask strangers (although they are very kind Aunts and Uncles who give their time to read/answer on here!) I am not an attention seeker, just really down at the minute. I will look into what you have suggested though, chemist/online, thanks.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2012): OP here. Forgot to add his ex (who had remarried at the time lived in the same cul-de-sac), she got 'evicted' (as her house was rented) a couple of weeks after he dumped me...he knew about it...call me paranoid...but I feel like I was used to try and make his ex jealous...he had the cheek to say she treated him badly, then does the same to me?(he used to stare at her house when coming to mine...I asked him about it once, he said he was just being nosey...
...............................
A
female
reader, supermum +, writes (25 March 2012):
 I know you don't want to see your doc, but it sounds like you need to. You are clearly depressed. If that is really not an option (which is a bad idea) then I suggest talking to your Chemist about St Johns Wort, and over the counter herbal anti depressant. It may help you. I would also suggest councelling. It may help you get over this difficult time in your life.You need to stop the drinking. Seriously...it wont help.As for having limited funds, that does not mean you can't change your wardrobe or have a makeover. I am sure you have make up. So why not experiement a bit in private. Use google if you are stuck for ideas. It will make you feel better. Sell some of your old clothes on Ebay and use the money to go looking round the charity shops for some new clothes. Get a hobby. Take up going for walks (it is free and it is good for you). Start knitting. Or painting. Or doing something else you enjoy. As they say, the best things in life are free. It is not like you have to spend a lot of money to have a good time. Why not invite your friends round for lunch and have a catch up insetad of isolating yourself? Join a local walking group, or coffee morning.Stop making excuses. I am giving you this advice, but I doubt you will take it. I don't think you want help, I think you want attention. Which is ok, except you clearly need help.In short, hun, sort yourself out. Only you can do it. We can point you in the right direction, but you have to take the first steps. Look up self help stuff online. You can get it for free. Look up websites dedicated to things you are interested in and join in forums and chat to people.Go through your phone book and call or write to people you have not spoken to in a while.Good luck. You are going to need it! Feel free to email me personally if you would like some more advice. I would love to help you. Really. I know it sucks sometimes... but you really have got to help yourself here.
...............................
|
