A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Should I wait and see if our feelings develop or cut and run?Hi, I met a guy two weeks ago online. He said from the beginning that he did not want anything serious because he ended his marriage of 6 years to his childhood sweetheart only 8 months ago. I'm only interested in non-serious relationships atm too, so was fine about this. But when we met we got on really well and after about a week - too soon I know! - I brought up the dating other people thing. He said he was fine about me dating other people and this bothered me more than I realised it would, especially for so early on in knowing each other. He said that he did really like me and that he didn't normally want to see women again after sleeping with them a few times, but that he loved spending time with me because of how at ease we are with each other. He said he could see himself wanting to be exclusive with me because he really likes me but warned me that he would find those feelings difficult after his recent break-up. He explained that what he liked about not being in a relationship at the moment was that he had not been free when he was younger to chat up other women and that he basically likes the challenge of seeing if he can persuade them to like him back. He said he was aware how awful this sounded but that he was being honest about why he doesn't want to be exclusive. He said he wasn't going to persuade me to carry on seeing him because he knew these things were difficult to accept. I believe he is being honest because he has said things that he knows I won't like the sound of at the risk of losing me, but feels that being honest is more important than trying to pull the wool over my eyes.So this is the current situation: we have agreed ground rules that we can both see other people, which I like the idea of in principle because I can see other people too. He is quite clear that he does not see me as a "funbuddy," that he feels differently about me than he has about other girls he has met since he ended his marriage because we spend time together that doesn't revolve around sex, like watching films and cuddling up together. He wants to sleep with other women but not spend any time with them like he does with me. For exanple, when we are together we hold hands in public and are very affectionate towards one another, and we text, speak and instant message most days.Although we have spent a short ammount of time together its been really nice and I'm now worried that I am falling for this person or that I want him to want just me just because I am jealous that he chats up other women when I'm not there. He has pointed out that if we were exclusive I might "go off" him quite quickly, which I think is actually fairly plausible - a case of wanting what you can't have ands then not wanting it when you do have it?!So I'm asking for advice about whether its just a case of wait and see if I still find accepting that he needs to be free atm difficult in a few weeks, if he feels like he's ready to be more exclusive or if I'm setting myself up for a big load of heartbreak and that this guy will never want to be with me more exclusively? What I'm asking is not will this happen but whether it is too soon to see yet? I know this seems ridiculous because we have only known each other a short time! I guess I'm just worried I'm convincing myself that things will change or that I want a non-serious thing when they won't?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2010): Many thanks for the feedback guys, it was really helpful. There was a development today I though you both might like to hear about. I texted him this morning as I had the day off work and wanted to see if he was up for doing something as he was off too. There was no reply for a few hours. Then I had a text telling me he really wanted to see me because he'd fallen for me. I rang him back but he never picked up: the next thing I know he texts me saying that the friend of a girl he was "messing around with in his bedroom" this morning texted that to me, not him. Then he rang and he was neither really apologetic about it, nor did he want to see me today or for the rest of the week. he said I was acting like we were in a relationship by wanting to see him. I told him I didn't want to speak to him ever again. I'm relieved it's over, I can get on with things. You guys did help me to realise that whilst I don't want to pick curtains and name children with anyone for a while, I do need the emotional security of being at least a bit special in someone's eyes x many thanks x
A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (6 June 2010):
 It's too soon in the relationship to expect exclusive-ness. Give it time, do your own dating around. By all means don't sit by the phone. He just needs to sow his oats for awhile. It may happen eventually, it may not. But it's not going to happen right now, so keep your options open as well.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (6 June 2010):
 In one respect this man is a decent guy - he hasn't cheated behind your back and has been honest about his intentions from the start. However, you say in your post that you weren't looking for a serious relationship yet feel awkward about what he offers you. I think you are deep down hoping for a serious exclusive relationship with him. I don't think that is too much to expect - it is normal in fact! I understand he is just out of a bad marriage and claims to be unable to commit. However, if he was really that into you then he would be at least willing to give the exclusive dating thing a try for now. The fact that he wants to play the field means that he may like you, but he wants other women too. Of course he might fall for you later on but I don't think you should hang around hoping to change him. You may even get into a relationship pattern where he thinks it is ok to sleep around indefinitely while you sit on the side-lines waiting for him (which is very destructive and demoralising for you). By all means have a fling with this guy if you want, but just don't expect it to turn into a big romance and shut down the fluttering heart-strings. You also have to remember that while you are focusing on him you may be emotionally excluding yourself from the opportunity to date a man who will offer you a more stable relationship. I am not saying don't see him for now, but don't stop yourself from seeing other men too if you want.
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