A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear CupidThis is my first attempt in my entire life doing soul searching. My ex-husband was a loser, good for nothing guy who was very clingy, needy. I couldnt take it, so we divorced. My ex-bf of 3 yrs was very very absive verbally and emotionally, once or twice hit me also. Even though he never really treated me in the in the last 6 months of our relationship, i couldnt leave him. I was desperate for him to like me again, tried everything and failed miserably and he left me dry.So the million dollar question, why am i always falling for the wrong guys, what is wrong with me, i didnt have an abusive childhood or anything, had decent number of freinds growing up, but when i look back i see myself losing friends and never making friends. Now im alone with no husband/bf/friends. I tried making friends in office, they talk to me only when i initiate conversation and tagged along wih them for lunch, but they dont really talk to me well. After few days i left and im eating alone.i dont want to be a miserable failure in everything, i dont really want to live alone in an empty apartment with noone to care for and i definitely dont want to die alone.What am i doing wrong here. Please help me
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female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (15 May 2013):
Dear OP,
Mishmash summed it up perfectly, it gets harder making new friends when you get older. Don't look for friends at work, but find a hobby that you like. From my experience, people who join theater courses or a choir make a lot of friends, because they spend a lot of time together, working on a project that they are passionate about. Besides, it's also good for self confidence.
About your relationships: Maybe the "mistake" is not that you're falling for the wrong guys (we all do that sometimes) - but that you let them treat you badly for such a long time. That you let the abuse go on and on and even try to make it work out. So, you ignore your needs and your rights for a long time and always try to make it right for others instead of making it right for yourself. This might well be a pattern that you already know from childhood, but this is now very speculative from my part.
It sounds like your self confidence is really low and you blame yourself for everything. You don't have to. Yes, you might have made mistakes in the past, as has everybody, but if you learn from them, then they were not for nothing.
As mishmash said as well, you might want to focus on the things that make YOU happy, for now. And if you don't want to live alone, maybe you'd like to live in a shared flat? It helped me get over my break up and over being single. In fact, being single is half as bad when you have a nice roomie that you can watch tv with or talk to.
A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (15 May 2013):
 Hi
I doubt very much there is anything wrong with you, your just growing up, learning about yourself.
You have left childhood and teens behind you and are in the next phase.Plus 2 bad relationships which were a learning curve.
Take a look at yourself take a look at what really interests you, don't look for others, boyfriends or friends to complete and fulfil you. Learn to be happy in your own skin.
Now, work mates, you could suggest a function of some sort, something people will want to join in with. For instance a cocktail making evening, maybe a half marathon or charity run,a kareoke night - be the organiser. Send out an internal email or put up something on the noticeboard.
Your not a failure it's just a phase, it will pass. Your glass is half full. You have a home a job and your health. Your a free agent too so the world is your oyster.
Now decide what you want to do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2013): We all loose friends. I lost more friends that I gained, and at one point of my life I felt like I am not capable of making friends at all.For everybody it's different. We all see reality in different ways. While some people make friends easy and effortlessly, and have many aquantanances, some choose their friends carefully and rather have very few but good ones. My mistake was that I was getting very close to people and confined in them believing that teveryone is like me. Then I realized that no one is like me, and it took me awhile to come to terms with it. When I got a little older, I started treating people more carefully and with more respect. I stopped uploading on them my stories and my worries. And I started being very carefully to whom i open my heart to.Little by little I surrounded myself with people that I liked and with whom I am on a same wave. They are not nesseserally my very close friends, but they are good and decent people who are pleasant with me. And that's enough for me now. As far as man go, everyone on earth go through their share of bad relationships. You are still very young, and you already were married. May be the reason for you choosing the wrong husband was your lack of experience because of you young age. Again you are still very young and in time you will learn how not to take any sh..t from anyone. People will treat you how you let them, and that includes romantic relationship. I stopped getting into bad relationships as soon as I started listening to how this guy makes me feel. If I felt happy and relaxed and at ease with him, than it was my guy, if I felt constantly wondering about his feeling toward me or frustrated most of the time, or simply unhappy, it was time to leave.Hope that helped. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2013): You seem disappointed about where and how you've ended up as a young adult and like many of us, you also sound a little lonely. If you feel as if friends from childhood are dropping off and it's not easy to make new ones, I can say that you're not alone in feeling this way. The transition is hard and I've not mastered it either.
I'm not sure that you're doing anything "wrong" from your post. But, you do seem to feel as if you need a male partner or a gaggle of friends to be complete. I'm not suggesting you need to be anti-social, but embracing your solitude for a while to figure out what you want and what you're interested in could go a long way to making you feel better. Don't criticize yourself for your past, but examine it to know where you went wrong, and give yourself some space and forgiveness to learn from it.
I would de-emphasize the need to find a husband or boyfriend and just try to be content with yourself first off. What are you interested in? Join groups or volunteer with people who have similar interests. There's no shame in being single or alone. I'd think after all the trouble you've had with your exes, it might even be a good and relaxing thing to take that expectation off yourself.
Why have you fallen for the wrong guys? I suspect because you've never figured out solo what you want for yourself. Perhaps you've hoped that a marriage or a boyfriend might change your life and give you direction. While good relationships can give you emotional support, they can't give you direction or complete you.
I think you've got figure out on your own what you priorities are, you can't lean on people with your expectations (and especially people who abuse you) to feel complete. If you feel badly about your choice in men, realize that crashing and burning with partners is what everyone does to figure out what they want...you're no exception. I would suggest you just stop looking so hard for other people and listen to yourself.
Good luck.
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