A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Been friends for a few years. Last year and a bit we've become really close. We do everything together, always hangout, close with her family.I've never had feelings for her, until a month ago.Do I tell her? I don't know if she feels the same way. Sometimes I don't think she feels the same.I don't want to risk the friendship because it's amazing but i've also grown a bigger attraction to her, and it hurts not to tell. I need some advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2014): I don't know if you've read the advice given on DC before, but this question must come to us every other day. It is a very common question; because it is a normal human experience.
Falling for a close friend happens because you spend a lot of your time with her. She knows you, understands you, and the loyalty is established and built-in. There is little emotional-risk; because the trust is already set and solidified.
These are the perfect conditions for falling in-love. Yes, sometimes friendship changes to something romantic for some people. The problem arises, when one is infatuated; and the other doesn't have a clue.
It is quite difficult sometimes for heterosexual people to maintain platonic relationships with the opposite sex. If they are in the same age-group, sharing many experiences together, it's likely sexuality will enter the picture.
It's inevitable.
Usually, one of the two realizes it is not the direction they want to take the relationship; and things settle down.
There will be moments of sexual-tension, sometimes this is misinterpreted as something other than what it is. Then you have to weigh the pros and cons. If you cross a line, how will it effect the relationship in the long-run? Is it something that is just passing, or is it definite? Is it because you're lonely? Or, you're too lazy to go through all the effort it takes to find a relationship outside "the bird in the hand" relationship you already have?
More often then not, you'll confess your feelings. Then your relationship with your friend becomes strained and awkward; because she may not feel the same.
You may continue to have the friendship, but you are disappointed; because it is not all that you want from that person. It hurts to see them turn their affections you want, to other people. You will feel jealousy and resentment; because you feel they owe you a chance to love them the way you want to. That they should love you back, in the same way. If that isn't the case, then you will feel compelled to end it; or she will.
Keep a lid on it. Let it pass. If she isn't flirting and feeding into a romantic turn in your friendship, stop where you are. Keep it cool, and date someone to get your feelings distracted outside " the fish in the barrel."
Only because it's easy and convenient. Immediate gratification, overrules waiting and searching any-day!
The mind can be lazy and fear rejection so badly, it will convince you; this is the one. Well, if she doesn't share the same attraction for you; how will you handle that? It will hurt your feelings if she is adamant about not allowing the relationship change. So think carefully before you open that can of worms.
A
male
reader, wise-guy +, writes (25 May 2014):
Who hasn't been in this situation right? It's just one of those natural but potentially disastrous things that can happen in a friendship - someone once told me that guys and girls are never just friends... Now that's a pile of crap as its perfectly reasonable to have friends of the opposite sex without feeling a thing for them - the hard part is when one friend feels more than the other, and as fate would have it this is a common dilemma.
So, you suddenly find yourself thinking about her, wanting to be with her and even just to get a text or call from her feels wonderful, right? Well it's only wonderful so long as the feeling is mutual.
The hardest part is figuring out if she feels the same - girls can be very hard to read, because some girls will act in a certain way towards you that may seem friendly to them but to a guy it suggests more is going on - it's a mental maze, always leading to the question of 'what if'
As you say there is always a risk of ruining a friendship because as I know things may not be the same after the truth is out, not because she'll suddenly be horrible to you but the whole feel of the friendship could change... On the other hand it's perfectly reasonable to suppose she does feel something for you, I mean why not? There's a 50/50 chance either way
You need to figure out what you're gunna do about that chance. You could:
1. Ignore it and just be friends
2. Say something, push the boat out a bit and maybe try to get to know her on a more romantic level, flirt a little etc but don't over kill it and become clingy and too available. This could be called the 'wait and see' method, y'know, play it cool and naturally test the water.
3. If you can't stand the confusion in your head and you feel like coming clean then do just that!! Openly and honestly just explain how you feel BUT don't pressure her for a definite answer, ask if maybe she feels something too and you're willing to explore the situation and see how things go - she might be feeling the exact same thing.
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A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (25 May 2014):
That sounds like a great friendship. With great friendship can lead to a great couple. Sometimes you have to take the chance and tell her you have feelings for her. You will never know if she is feeling the same until you talk. Tell her that you don't want to lose her for any reason that this friendship means the world to you.
You as friends can make the decision together. Who knows this could be the best thing that has ever happened to you. Just take that chance.
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