A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:*OP Title* I met my fiance about 6 yrs ago in college. We began dating for about 8 months, but eventually broke up. Nothing serious happened we were just young college grads and decided to remained friends. Over the yrs we dated other people but still hooked up every now and again. In 2008 we tried to make a relationship work, but I didn't trust him because I could tell he was lying to me in my face. I saw a girl had been calling him for a while and he said oh she's just my friend, she's pregnant it's nothing. SO fast forward to the end of 2008 he invited me out with his friends, he stayed at my house, we had unprotected sex and 5 days later I log on to facebook and he's in a relationship with the former pregnant girl who just had the baby in September. The baby wasn't even his, it was one of his college friends. But now he was in love with her. Needless to say I was hurt beyond belief. But I let him go. Well a few months later he started calling and apologizing and dropping off gifts. Come to find out he was playing me and her. Well, he left her so he said and we started a relationship. Come to find out he was still talking to her, he cheated on me with some other girl that he'd been dealing with that I didn't even know about. I found out because she was texting him and he secretly videotaped the sexual act! They performed oral sex on each other and had intercourse! My dumb self still forgave him and moved in with him. Only to find out he was still communicating with the girl he cheated on me with. I started packing my stuff, I was ready to move out. He begged and pleaded and promised! It was rocky for a while, then things became "normal." Then he proposed with this huge 3 carat diamond ring and I said yes. We're wedding planning now and I still don't trust him. I don't know how to leave or if the relationship is worth fixing. He says he's changed, but I don't believe him and I feel so stupid for staying here. Please help :-(
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broke up, cheated on me, engaged, facebook, fiance, moved in, oral sex, text, unprotected sex, wedding Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2010): Thanks for all of the advice. You all said everything I already know. Last night was my breaking point. We were having another argument and I saw him for what he really is. He doesn't love me or care about my feelings. I deserve the best! I told him this as I grabbed some stuff and walked out of the door and out of his life. And it feels soooooo good to be gone :-)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2010): I similarly let a dude go - although I only took him back once after he suddenly disappeared on me several years ago - but when I DID let him go, it was so empowering. I told him point blank that I was filtering all his emails to be deleted, and that he should not try calling me ever again. I of course deleted him from Facebook and put my own profile on the highest privacy level. He has called and written and tried contacting me through mutual friends, but I will never respond again. Trust is the most valuable thing - once it is gone, it's pretty much over.
I agree with the previous poster - do you want to live all your life wondering where the guy is? If he is where he says he is? I didn't think so. Get out of this engagement sham. Break up, give back/sell the ring and figure out who YOU are before diving into a new relationship. Delete him from your life completely and I promise you will get his respect. Just keep it that way and don't take him back - this guy needs to waste someone else's time, he's wasted too much of yours already.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2010): If you weren't attracted to him and he had no money and didn't give you a 3 carat rock, what does he offer that would help make your life full and prosperous?
Can you see yourself eight months pregnant home alone at night wondering if he's really in a sales meeting? What about when you're home with two kids and he's gone for three nights on a business trip; can you live with that level of distrust? How about when you stumble upon his email he left open and there's a huge porn collection or mail of some romance he's carrying on with a co-worker.
Do you want even the risk of these things?
Or, imagine being loved completely by a man whom you know has and never would lie to you or go after anyone else. Can you see yourself with a man like that? I hope so. Because with over three billion men in the world to choose from your chances of having that are high.
Sell the ring.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2010): I totally agree with YOUWISH!! This guy is a loser and he is playing games with you and you are ALLOWING IT. You love this man with all your heart, thus I understand why you don't want to let this guy go, but it's better to let go now rather than later. You are too "nice" to this guy, you haven't shown him that you have a backbone and will not tolerate his foolishness. It's been four years now....he hasn't shown you with his actions that he is honest, faithful and respects you or any other woman for that matter. The choice is yours....I think you know what needs to be done.
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A
female
reader, Redstars14  +, writes (6 August 2010):
If you can't trust the guy you sure as heck shouldn't marry him. If a guy has failed to commit to just you several times in the past he doesn't deserve you. Do you really want to get married to a guy that may just be using you as a rebound from that pregnant girl. He obviously isn't reliable or even a good guy and you said yourself you were dumb to get back to him. So follow those instincts and dump his sorry butt and give him back that 3 carat ring. He doesn't deserve you and obviously you could do so much better; he's a sleazy liar. You let him buy your love with gifts, apologies and a ring. But you've obviously realised letting him back into your life was a mistake. So seriously end it. You can do better.
Good luck and hope you meet someone really great that doesn't cheat on you, you trust and you spend the rest of your life with...
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (6 August 2010):
 Okay, I counted at least *4* examples of his lying and cheating on you, and one time of unprotected sex. The problem , believe it or not, isn't him. He is what he is, a lying cheater, and he has never and will never change. No size of diamond will change him.
The problem is you. You've taken him back 4 times, put yourself at risk for pregnancy and STD, and are now contemplating a wedding with him? This shouldn't even be a question at this point. The question should be "How fast should you run away from this loser". You mentioned that he's given you a 3 carat diamond. Is it because of his money that you keep coming back to him?
The thing is - you will never ever be able to compete with his true love: Himself. He will do whatever it takes to gratify himself first. Even his begging you to take him back and his proposing to you are self-serving tools. His ego needs to believe that he can do no wrong, and you're enabling it by letting him lie and cheat on you.
You will not be able to change him. You will never be able to change him, so the question is, can you live with yourself knowing that you're allowing yourself to be lied to and cheated on? Can you potentially raise children in an environment of distrust and cheating?
I think I know what the issue is with you though. You have a void that desperately needs to be filled. This void causes you to compromise who you are and your own strength because you believe that you can't do it on your own, and that you can do no better than a guy who uses and cheats and lies to you. Who sold you this bill of lies about yourself?? You're worth more than the useless attentions of a selfish man, and you *have* to believe it. In fact, you need to believe that you're worth more than to let any person have this kind of power over you. And you need to do whatever it takes to put the power back in YOUR hands.
Too many people are running around out there just wandering like a blowing leaf expecting to be "completed" by someone else, so they mistake lust and attention for true love and affirmation, and they end up being tossed into the corner and feeling worse than before, treated no better than a common whore. Don't let yourself become that woman.
Do not marry this guy. Give him his stupid 3 carat millstone back.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (6 August 2010):
 Well, from what you've told us it appears you have more reason not to marry him then you do to marry him. Your past with him? That's not 1 mistake, that is a behavior. He can try to say he's changed and even dangle that diamond in front of you... but clearly you are posting your question on here because deep down you KNOW you should not be marrying him.
Give the ring back and leave. He's manipulative. He knows you will always be there waiting for him no matter what he does or no matter how many times he cheats. You are dependable. Do you want to be that girl?
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