A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I feel like I'm doing something wrong by having an intellectual conversation with another man!I'm engaged, he is married. We are former co workers who are on Facebook together. When we used to work together he came in as the assistant manager trainee and me key holder, while the store manager was on vacation we ran the store together. He was doing the managerial tasks while I did the every day tasks. When on lunch break I would sit back in the office which was the back of the store and eat and mostly be on my phone texting. I would help him understand how to do inventory and taking in shipments. I did get into a conversation about how he ended up just being assistant manager when I was trying to get prompted, he explained he was a manager at Game stop from that point on we had small talk conversations but really everyone at my store was tight knit group so it wasn't like it was just me and him. He ended up getting his own store and me quitting but through a mutual friend connected back on facebook. We started talking back up about work and he said he moved on too because the work and pay wasn't worth it. That conversation transpired into us talking about wanting more than a minimum wage job and school, then travel the more I talk to him I find myself feeling less stressed because I'm able to open up to him rather than my fiancee I try and talk to my fiancee about the same stuff but he never listens. I'm not emotionally or physically attracted to him in any way I just like the conversations. We don't go past the basic convo but I can't help but feel guilty. I even tried to bring it up to my fiancee and get it off my chest but he acts like he could care less. Am I wrong?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2012): I don't know if this really answers your post but my husband talks to a lady he used to work with via Facebook quite a lot and I absolutely hate it. They discuss mundane things about where they used to work and comments about old staff but she tends to talk to him in depth about her personal life and asking him for advice etc which I don't like. I find it disrespectful to me that she turns to my husband for help when she is living with someone and could ask him. They make me feel wary and extremely uncomfortable. Please do try and think how his wife might feel about your contact as she may be like me and not like it at all.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2012): Let's look at this: if you read/saw a story about something that interests you, who would you tell first? The married man or your fiance?
If you have some exciting info/news, who will you text/call first? Married man or fiance?
When you wake up in the morning who do you think about first? Late at night who do you think about? Do you have any random thoughts about this man? Not sexual but feel good thoughts?
Your post reveals a lot: eg: you already told us that you cannot talk to your fiance and actually prefer discussing with this other man. You have already started to compare both men and right now you have slighted your fiance in favour of this "married friend". How much of time do you invest in talking to this friend? This friend listens to you, shares your same dreams and desires. This friend makes you realise that the world is yours, ready to conquer. This friend just makes your day worth while. You cannot wait to talk a convo with him? Hey girl, just from that little info you have shared it means that slowly you have edged your fiance out and this friend is Fast Becoming a confidant, someone who "understands" you better than the man in your life, someone who you are now investing time, effort and resources in.
OP, my husband does not have interest in my career path. He doesn't know anything about my legal work. Our interests are very different. Basically it means that I cannot discuss legal aspects with him. But I can communicate effectively with male colleagues/friends about my challenges at work. I can argue a point, discuss the legislation at length, share notes, go to training together, sit and have lunch together (those buggers make me pay!!!) , attend conferences together YET still maintain a proper platonic friendship/colleague status without any form of "emotional ties" which replace my husband. Likewise I do not understand my husbands technical work and even though I listen I am absolutely clueless (but I don't tell him this. For the life of me, I just cannot grasp his technical mind. Yep, I'm a silly gurl but I still act interested). Discussing work is one thing, slowly replacing your better half with a "friend" is when issues surface. OP, if you have a level of discomfort or feeling guilt then you know that something is unsettling you. YOU know yourself and if you need to back off then do. When a friend starts replacing your better half then there's trouble babes. I am not talking sexual and you know it.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (29 May 2012):
 Well.. this is complicated because while there is nothing wrong in talking to your male friend (his gender really doesn't matter in this), the conversations is reminding you of how little of a connection you have with your fiance. Maybe what makes you feel this is wrong is that you are reminded that your relationship is not fulfilling to you. Thus you are driven away from your fiance, because you are realizing he isn't actually giving you what you want, intellectually speaking. You then feel guilty, because you love him, and you don't want to leave him. But through your conversations with your friend you are coming to realize you're not as connected to your fiance as you would like to be. You and him just aren't communicating well. If your friend hadn't been there talking to you, you could have ignored this lack of communication with your fiance. But now you can't ignore it, because the problem has presented itself clearly in front of you, and made you realize a thing or two about your relationship. Your feelings of guilt comes from your realization that you and your fiance might not have a future together after all, and you feel sorry for this. You wanted to have a future with him, but you are opening your eyes up to some facts that you can't ignore any longer. You are unable to communicate with your fiance, you do not have a good friendship with your fiance, and your fiance appears generally uninterested in your company, at least intellectually. Your friend isn't to blame for this. Quite the opposite, your conversations with your friend is a reminder of what your relationship is lacking, thus preventing you from making a big mistake. Talk to your fiance. Tell him you feel you can't communicate with him any longer, and that he is not interested in what you have to say. Perhaps the relationship has run it's course and you and him are only together out of habit. Are you HAPPY in this relationship? Does he make you smile and laugh?
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (29 May 2012):
 I dont think you are wrong at all - if your fiance knows about the conversations and is not bothered by them, then you are fine.
If you were attracted to him, and keeping it secret from your partner then yes it would be a problem. But if it is just friendship and talking only, then you have nothing to worry about.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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