A
female
age
36-40,
*ettyBoup
writes:HiThis is quite a long question. I have a problem with my relationship. I have been with my boyfriend for nearly a year now. He has asked me to marry him and I accepted, although he hasn't got me a ring yet. The problem is, things haven't been going so great lately. He has been ignoring me. I'll go to his house after work to see him and he'll just open the door and walk back into the house to watch tv. I don't get a hug or even a hello. He also seems to be avoiding spending time alone with me at the weekend, which he knows is the only time we can spend together because I work. Also, he is very rude to me. He makes jokes about my size. I am overweight and unhappy with this. I have told him how this makes me feel and he still does it. He has recently been less affectionate with me. He's not as affectionate as I am am gets annoyed when I try to tickle him or touch him in any way. He also flirts a lot with other girls in front of me and makes comments when he thinks another girl is attractive. he has been like this from the start and has told me he won't change. I have been just turning a blind eye to his behaviour but it is now starting to get to me. He is very honest and I do trust him. I don't think he realises how much he upsets me.The main thing that has made me write this happened a couple of days ago. We were in the pub with a couple of friends when he went outside. I followed him and asked whats wrong. He basically told me he loves a mutual friend 'Betty' and I'm like, that's ok, as a friend. They went to school together and were best friends, but I know he used to fancy her. He said "I will allways love her, they say there is no such thing as a perfect partner, but I think 'Betty' is the perfect person for me. But I know I'll never get that chance" He also said if he hung out more with her she would be his world and if he was single he would choose to go out with her over me. At this point I think I should have walked away. 'Betty' is engaged herself and I know she doesnt like my boyfriend in that way, but that's not the point. What he said was disrespectful, hurtful and cruel. He should never have told me he was thinking this. I am supposed to be his fiance. The woman he loves and wants to spend the rest of his life with. He also said that he wouldn't choose anyone over me now he is with me and that he does love me and want to be with me. I think I can't marry a man who feels this way about another person. I have to be loved 100% and be the number one person to my parner. That is what marrage is to me. Knowing he feels thins way about another woman broke my heart and pretty much burst my bubble. The problem is I do love him dispite it all. When our relationship is good, it's really good. He once said he loved me more than anyone else in his life. But things have changed and his behaviour and comments about my big bottom and what he said about 'Betty' have really cut away at my self esteem and I really don't know if it's worth it. I was ready to dump him yesterday but I didn't get to talk to him on his own, plus I thought I would mull it over a bit. If you could offer me your opinion on this situation or any advice at all, I would be eternally greatful.Thank youAnna
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2008): I think your boyfriend's behavior is what could be called passive agressive, you can google that and read all about it....people who rely on this behavior to get by in their relationships are some of the hardest people to have a relationship with. He is not going to change it either, and his control of you will likely get worse instead of better....the best thing in this situation is to get away from him before he crushes your spirit, he has already damaged you in this way, don't let him bring you down....it is him that has the problem, not you.
You don't even have to explain to him why you are leaving him, he won't get it anyway, and get ready to hear his angry words and belittling remarks because he is full of unexpressed anger....just be glad you found out his true colors now instead of after you married him.
Recognize this pattern in the guys you chose to get involved with and chose better next time, no one deserves this kind of treatment.
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