A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been engaged for a couple of months now. My boyfriend and I had talked about marriage vaguely before, and, as I love him to bits, I had always been positive towards it. It didn't feel like a serious discussion, so I hadn't really thought about it. Then he proposed unexpectedly - and I found myself sweating with horror, hoping it was just a dream. But I said yes, because my only vague thoughts about it previously had been that I probably would. But I felt horrible. I felt like I was sealing off my future, tying myself down - and I feel no joy in being engaged to him.It's not that I don't love him - I do, so much, and I would never want to leave him. But he wants marriage, and although I've told him I do, I think I don't. I don't know why exactly, the thought just feels stifling. He, and my friends and family, are starting to press for decisions on things like dates, and I just can't bring myself to think about it.Another thing - I never want to have children, never have wanted them. We've had that talk, he's assured me that if I don't want kids, he's fine with that. But he keeps smiling over cute baby pictures, talking about how he thinks children should be raised, what baby names he likes, etc. - I'm pretty sure that whether he's consciously aware of it or not, he wants kids. And he's not going to have any with me.As you can tell he's about as perfect a catch as you can find - super keen on marriage and babies. But I'm not. I love him so much, I do want to be with him, but I don't think I can give him what he wants. What do I do? Break off the engagement but stay with him? Leave him completely? Try to accept the idea of marrying him?-V
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (23 May 2014):
 I agree you must talk to him. And in the long run it will probably end up with breaking up....
my son always said he did not want children because he did not think he would be a good parent.
he's getting married next year and the young lady wants two children... when I asked her about that she said they had talked about it and with a smile said "we have agreed we are having between zero and two"
IF you are sure you do not want children and you are not sure you want to marry.. then you must talk to him and be prepared to end it either of your choosing or his.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 May 2014):
 Good point Fatherly Advice .
Tbh, it sounds like what you want " forever " is the security of having beside you someone who loves you and adores you... but that you could also ditch without too many formalities, at the drop of a hat,if the mood strikes...
It does not sound like you are too committed anyway, with or without an engament ring on your finger.
No, of course you don't have to- you CAN'T - get married if it does not make you happy, just to please him.
Then again, if yours are not just prenuptial cold feet , but a life vision that's ultimateli very different from his... if he cares about getting married, and you care about NOT getting married , ... well, it seems you two hhave incompatible goals, and , although of course, talking to him about your feelings would be proper , frankly I doubt that it will solve the situation . Maybe you'll just have to accept that you are going in two different directions.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 May 2014):
 What do you do? You talk to him.
You seem able to articulate some of your feelings and fears as well as your non-negotiable items such as not having children to us. So it's time to put on the big-girl panties and woman up and tell him.
Then, after you two have had an adult, calm and thorough conversation, with both of you practicing active listening, and you know HIS feelings, fears and his non-negotiables, and he knows yours, THEN you can decide what the best course of action might be.
Breaking off the engagement without having this conversation is rather abrupt, don't you think?
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (22 May 2014):
 So let e get this straight. You want to be with him forever, but you also want to be able to leave whenever you want? . . .
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2014): Aren't you "tied down" if you're in a committed relationship anyway?
I second the idea to seek therapy - not to change your mind about getting married or having children, but to get to the root of why the thought of it gives you such a strong stifling reaction. You may then need your counsellor to help you break up because you don't want the same things in life.
I'd start with calling off the engagement by saying you're not ready and don't know if it's what you really want, then go to your doctor and ask for counselling. ASAP. Before you can't go back on any of it.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (22 May 2014):
 Marriage is a massive commitment, legally, financially, emotionally....it has do be done for the right reasons.
Marrying him because you don't want to hurt him by saying no, or going back on a yes, is too much of a sacrifice to make in my opinion. If you KNOW you DONT ever want to marry him then don't do it. Its once thing having a light hearted discussion about serious commitments, quite another to actually commit to it and go through with it. Another thing still to deal with the consequences afterwards.
Do you think it will be harder to end this marriage now? Or after the event? If you know it is not want you want then I would call a halt right now before someone spends a fortune, sends out invites and it spirals out of control.
Him being super keen on marriage and kids doesn't make him a perfect catch if that's not what you want too. Neither does that reflect badly on you. You are entitled not to marry or have children if you so choose. If you do get married one of you is going to end up disappointed as he wants children, you don't. He wants marriage, you do not. You either have kids and be wed and make yourself unhappy, or don't have children, don't marry and that leaves him unhappy. Check mate.
I think your relationship is possible at a point, a crossroads, where you both really need to lay your cards on the table and see where you are heading. Clearly carrying on as you were before doesn't really seem an option. He wants marriage, and wants children. He wants to gain commitment. You, for whatever reason do not want that. If you feel no joy in being engaged then you will likely feel worse if you are married.
For that reason I would call off the engagement I it were me.
I also think you need to ask yourself why you don't want marriage or children with this man. Is it that you don't ever want marriage/kids with ANYONE? Or just this individual? If its the latter then maybe you love him in the wrong way? Like a brother or best friend and that is preventing you wanting to make such a big commitment? Or perhaps you know deep down that although you are enjoying living in the here and now with him, he is not the right one for you long term?
Sometimes we need to be pushed into a corner like this to actually make the effort to stop and think about how we actually feel and why, and what we want. You say you don't want to ever leave him, but is that because you really want to be with him for life? Or because the thought of breaking the cycle, exiting the life you know and of course hurting him seems too hard to go through? Sometimes being with someone seems fine when we subconsciously know we have an exit route should we need it. Take that away and we often see a different picture.
Sorry if I seem to be asking YOU questions rather than answering yours but only you can know how you feel and why.
Should you stop the wedding. Yes I think you should. Should you end the relationship, that depends on your reasons for dreading committing to him, how desperate he is likely to become for children and marriage and whether you can both sort out your different views on where this is heading.
Talk to him. Be frank, open and honest with each other. The time has come now for serious discussions not vague chats. If he really wants children and you don't then the best thing would be to let him go so he can meet someone who does want children. Personally I can see this marriage, if it happens, possible, and I say again possibly, ending in resentment and bad feeling. Either you resenting because you didn't want marriage or him resenting you for not allowing him to be a father.
Mark
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (22 May 2014):
 I think you need to tell him exactly how you feel about everything. Open and honest communication. Discuss it as a couple and make a decision about your future together as a couple. I would also recommend therapy for yourself, even if it's just to figure out why the idea of being married and being a parent makes you panic. It's better to sort these issues out now, than wait until it's too late for you to start a family.
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