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anonymous
writes: Hey. I am due to get married in 6 months to a wonderful man. When we met he was perfect, so much so that I gave up my life of having fun, drinking etc with my friends. I was only 18 when I done that. 22 now, and I feel like I'm freaking out about not having those years to party like mad and just be with my friends. This was triggered by attention I received from a 19 year old. He compliments me when he can, listens to me and always makes me smile. I spoke to him every day and loved hearing him. I didn't see him for months, as I left the place we both worked, and to this day haven't seen him since I left, 6 months ago. He is just a voice at the mo! I started to have very strong feelings for him, even bordering on falling for him. He told me he loved me but he isn't prepared to do nothing as I'm engaged. He asked what I was doing with him and I replied by suggesting we don't talk so I can concentrate on my relationship. I did cut him off but I hate it. I cried when I did and I miss him so much. I think about him constantly. I have now heard that he has been in an unbearable mood and that he's really upset. It's killing me. I love my fiance with all my heart and I feel awful for liking someone else. Part of me thinks its because he's reminding me about what I missed out on, liking a boy and having those lusting feelings. Perhaps this is just an infatuation on both parts, I'm not sure. I know that I have no future with this boy, he just offers me fun. But right now I'm not sure I want a sturdy future. Just to live my early twenties as I should. I know that I'll never have feelings of a new relationship again if I marry. I am so confused and feel sick all the time. I don't want to hurt no one. I dont want to lose my fiance. He's everything to me. He makes my heart skip a beat. Sometimes I wish I had met him just that little bit later in life. Please help.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (23 March 2005):
 Hold the florists. Belay the ring-bearer. Cancel the maids of honour.You are NOT ready to get married. Yet.Marriage doesn't magically change anything between the partners. What it does, is ensure that you get decades more of the same thing you have now. If you're feeling like you've missed out on your fun/partying/wild girl youth right now, before you're even married, how do you think you're going to feel about it ten years afterwards? Or 17? Or 60?Marriage is supposed to be, as we all know, forever. And no one gets married thinking "Oh, that's OK. If it doesn't work out, we'll just get divorced!", but if you already resent the potential restriction on your freedoms, it's going to be that much harder remaining married, no matter how much you might love your husband. And you're hamstringing your relationship by getting swept into the "inevitable-wedding" vortex without telling him how you feel. Compared to going through a divorce, cancelling a wedding is a piece of cake (so to speak).The thing about devoting your entire life to one other person is that you have to trust that person implicitly. Without that trust, you'll worry yourself into a wreck in just months or years. That's why you need to trust your fiance enough to tell him what you're feeling, right now, six months before the nuptuals. He may be feeling the same way, who knows? Maybe he wants to get a chance to party and chase other girls, whilst you're checking out the lads.In spite of your having been together for four years, 22 is statistically pretty young to be getting married. What's the rush? If you're planning on being together when you're old and grey anyway, then maybe delaying things for another year or two isn't such a big step. If you're actually that well-suited and love each other that much, then you'll find that out in fairly short order, when no one outside you two seems to measure up to the other.The time that you give yourselves will give you both an opportunity to re-examine your commitment to marriage and to each other. Incidentally, if you look deeply at where you are now and what you both want, there's no shame in discovering that you don't want to get married yet! But your fiance should be in on the discussions, don't you think?Summarising: Don't waste too much time in telling your fiance that, even though you love him, the idea of getting married right now is scaring you, and you want to enjoy your early-20s singledom a bit more. Reassure him that he isn't the source of your concern. Finally, consider going to a couples counsellor and talking about what you both expect from marriage. You might make some surprising discoveries.Good luck to you both.
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