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male
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anonymous
writes: I've been going out with my girlfriend for 6 months and when we started going out it was so perfect. But then her ex showed up completely out of the blue from 80 miles away. I got an awkward phone call telling me that she was meeting someone to tell them to go away and she wouldn't tell me anymore. I objected and was obviously quite defensive so she agreed to come home straight away (she was at work) and ever since then my trust has been down. The thing is her ex was a real player and he slept around alot and I've never slept around. I sometimes feel disgusted that she liked someone like that. She's such a beautiful girl - the kind that could have any guy she wants and her ex was the most foul looking person I've ever seen with a personality to match. How can I stop thinking about all this and get back to the way we were? How can I trust her?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2006): Trust is a reinforced feeling of what we give to our partners, to allow ourselves the ease of letting go doubts about what they can choose to do. Trust isn't something that you can tame by actively doing something. Trust is something natural and not enforced.
You cannot stop thinking about and expressing your doubts. For example, for my ex, though as questionable as her morals were, she assured me she never cheated on me, or would never cheat on me, as long as we're together. It was very difficult to believe her, and as far as trust goes, it wasn't whether I trusted her or not, but it was whether I could let go of my doubts of her. In the end, my trust for her was grayed, but I let go of the doubts I had about her. To the day we finally broke up, supposedly, she hasn't cheated on me.
So what can u do? Just let go. I'm not saying leave or break up with her. I'm saying, let her go do what she wants to do. In the end, if she cheats on you, then that's that. The relationship trial and error period ended in 'failure'. In the end, if she ends up being your wife, have four kids, and becomes a great grand daddy X amount of years from now, then you can most likely by then forget about all this player/trust business haunting your mind right now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2006): We all have these little bubbles of doubt that crop up from time to time but you have to burst them. If you had a phone call from her telling you that she was telling someone to go away, then that's it. She may of had words with him. You have to remember he is the ex and that is all in the past. She might of felt uncomfortable at having to explain to you the nature of this business incase you took it the wrong way.
Just try and relax and let her know that she can tell you anything and you won't blow up in her face. Try to be understand. We all have a past and not with the right people. But put things out of your head and i'm sure it will all be all right.
Take care
xx
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