A
female
age
51-59,
*ebedee
writes:Hello,This is my first time on the site and I am hoping for some guidance with my situation.I am 40 years old and struck up a 'casual dating relationship' with a guy 5 years younger than me about 3 months ago. We both entered the situation with our eyes wide open as to what it was. We go out together, movies, dinner, walks etc and usually, but not everytime, we end up having amazing sex.We get along extremely well and recently I have began to see him in a different light. He has began talking about his family a lot to me, he text me in the early hours to tell me he had become an Uncle and I think I am beginning to fall for him and want more. However, I know from the infrequent communication and spacing out of dates (once a week or two) that he doesn't want a relationship, I understand that when men say they want casual, they generally mean it. I haven't met his family or friends and vice versa. Bascially, it's going nowhere and I am beginning to feel emotionally empty. At this stage I feel that I need to get out quickly before I get too attached to him. Ideally, I don't want a long conversation with him about my 'feelings' but I also don't want to present him with an ultimatum.How would be the best way to end this at this stage. The best thing to say without putting pressure on him and without going into lots of details. We had fun, he is cool and kind but it's time to nip it in the bud ! Any advice welcome,, thank you !!
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male
reader, doublejack  +, writes (27 August 2012):
Thank you for the follow-ups.I have to agree with your conclusion, you got your answer without even asking. Actually that is the best way because you know it is truly the way he sees you, since he felt comfortable letting it out without being prompted. There's no way he can backtrack from those statements now.The way you feel, alone and empty, are some of the main reasons why I am not a fan of FWB. When one really analyzes FWB situations, the essence of them is convenient sex and nothing more. For me that devalues the sex, and I also feel the lack of companionship that comes with a serious relationship. The only upside versus a string of one night stands is that the risk of contracting an STD/STI is less. At the end of the day, though, casual sex is an empty experience.I think moving on is the right decision for you. You have gained some valuable knowledge and are ready for something more.
A
female
reader, debedee +, writes (26 August 2012):
debedee is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate ! Well we had a conversation that cleared things up for me. He asked me to sleep over at his because he wasn't happy that I had to drive home late and I said no because I don't feel comfortable (he lives with his dad, after his mum passed away). He then proceeded to say that it was fine because he had told his dad about me ! BUT then he went on to say that he likes things the way they are between us because there are no complications, no pressure and he doesn't get nagged !! He even used the friends with benefits phrase ! So there, I have my answer without even asking him. I don't think I'm going to get what I really want from him so it's time to move on, even though he sometimes acts like we are in a relationship when we are actually spending time together. Any further thoughts welcome.
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A
female
reader, debedee +, writes (25 August 2012):
debedee is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirstly, thank you all for taking the time to read and reply to my question. All great answers !
I'd never intentionally entered a relationship of this type before and I suppose I needed to go through this to realise that I am just not cut out for it. The one thing I won't feel when it ends is loneliness or empty, because I am already feeling that way anyway.
I'll let you know how I get on. Thank you once again x
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A
female
reader, Trinklett  +, writes (24 August 2012):
 I'll say detach yourself. Cancel out on some of those 1-2 week dates. Let him figure it out. If he notices and asks, tell him you feel you're getting attached and don't really know what he's stand is. If he doesn't ask, then you have you're answer in front of you. Brace yourself for the outcome. It could swing either way.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (24 August 2012):
 Ask him if he would like to see you more, if not then you have to move on because you need more connection from a guy to feel satisfied. Then thank him for his time and that it was nice meeting him. If he really doesn't have feelings for you hopefully he will be gentlemanly enough to understand and let you go.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2012): Hi
Just tell him you want to persue other possible relationships,with a future, that you need to be free to do so or that its run its course between you. Or just don't be available anymore.
If you stop the sex it WOULD just be a casual friendship, but thats hard when you are developing feelings.You and he do sound pretty compatable from what you've said,its a shame really that it can't go further,thats the problem with casual, one person always seems to get emotionally involved
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A
male
reader, doublejack +, writes (24 August 2012):
OP, I think in this situation the only thing you can do is be direct. I know you don't want to deliver an ultimatum, but you do want a proper relationship, not to continue on in a FWB situation. If you are starting to develop feelings and it has become a step it up or end it situation, then there is no middle ground.
It doesn't have to be a long, drawn out conversation about feelings. I suggest you are honest and tell your FWB that you enjoy his company, but that you want something serious. If he doesn't want a relationship, he will choose to end things because he will know what you're saying. That's really all you have to say. His reaction will tell you whether he wants more too, or not.
Best of luck!
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