A
male
age
51-59,
*ommyb
writes:after twenty years of marriage i have just found out that my wife had an affair with my brother.this happened several years ago and had been going on for a few years.i love her so much and she says she hates herself for it.she says she's sorry.this affair seems to have happened while we were married.i havnt spoke to him since i found out.obviously all this has devastated me.we're still together but i can't get it out of my mind.what should i do
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2015): It's up to you to decide what to do here, it's your life. I don't know if I could ever get over such a betrayal. I guess some people do. I can't get over the loss of my ex, or forgive him and I've lost him out of my life for good now due to that. I wish I could erase all the memories from my brain to be honest. I would probably want to do that in your situation but with a close family member that isn't possible for many people. Your brother has some big time making up to do if he wants to ever deserve a relationship with you again.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (15 January 2015):
 Are you sure you really WANT to stay with her? I mean saying you forgive her and actually forgiving ARE two different things. It's EASY (or easier) to say you forgive something, but to actually forgive and let it go is a whole other matter. Which I'm sure you have found out.
I can't even begin to imagine the betrayal you feel. And I know I would NOT stay married. There just wouldn't be anything to "make" me feel I'd had to stay. You lose absolute and total trust in your partner. She says she is sorry, but she WASN'T really sorry. If they had done it once and never again, I can see remorse, but a YEARS long affair? No. There is no remorse. She can't be so dense ( neither can your brother) to think that what THEY CHOSE to do isn't devastating for those around them, specially YOU, and if you and your wife have kids, IT WILL affect them too. Whether you stay or leave, HER actions, HER choice to cheat is NOT just about HER.
I have to say this, IF you want to stay, seek out a GOOD marriage counselor and take your wife with you. Having a neutral 3rd person can help you BOTH figure this out. Though counseling can do MANY good things for a couple it can't rebuild that trust, it can't make you forget. It CAN help you in how you DEAL with that betrayal. And how to move forward. Even IF you decide that no, life is too short to stay with this woman, FIND a counselor for YOU. So that YOU can in the future date someone else, and NOT live in the past with YOUR wife's actions.
At some point I would also work on forgiving your brother. You may never have the same relationship you USED to have with him, but for YOUR sake, letting the anger and resentment go, can be helpful FOR YOU.
I'd hate to be in your shoes. I know (at least intellectually) what I'd do if my husband cheated on me, I know that it is MUCH harder to actually DO in reality.
ONE thing you will HAVE to hang on to is this, THEY made this choice. NOT you. I'm sure there are plenty of EXCUSES they both can pull out as to why, but cheating is a CHOICE. YOU didn't CHOSE this, THEY did.
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male
reader, tommyb +, writes (15 January 2015):
tommyb is verified as being by the original poster of the question so thankful to each n everyone who answered my dilemma.respect to you all
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (15 January 2015):
 Oh honey..I am so sorry! My heart truly goes out to you. I can only imagine the pain/shock that you are feeling. I have been cheated on, but I cannot even begin to imagine my sister cheating on me. Two of the people in the world that you should have been able to trust.
Whatever you feel, its ok. Whatever you do, don't sweep what you are feeling under the rug. It all needs to come out and be dealt with or it will fester away and continue to grow causing more hurt and pain.
The first step is to search your heart. What do you wish to do? Do you want to stay with your wife? If you love her enough and can forgive her and I mean TRULY forgive her..I don't mean saying "I forgive you" but bringing it up constantly..then both of you should go to a professional who can help you talk things out, get everything out in the open. A counsellor, a minister..someone that you can be totally open with. And your wife has to truly want to be forgiven, not cop an attitude and talk it all through. She can't just say "I'm sorry". Whatever hurt or neglect or boredom or whatever she was going through she needs to fess up to it. If you did something to push her away, then you to acknowledge that as well. You both have to bare your souls. Its going to hurt like hell, but if you can do that, your marriage can survive and possibly even become stronger. She will have to earn your trust back, thats for sure.
If you don't think you can totally forgive her (and God knows many people couldn't..thats ok too). I don't think I could ever forgive my guy if he cheated...let alone with my sister...and trust me, I love him more than anything..but man...it would really be hard for me.
Divorce would obviously be the option if you can't forgive. Many people would have already filed after getting such devastating news.
As for your brother...that's tough..really really tough. I want to say "yes forgive him"..but again...that certainly wouldn't be easy.
You've got a very hard road ahead of you, sir. I hope it will end well and you can find peace. You sound like a nice man and I'm truly sorry for what you are going through. I wouldn't wish this kind of a situation on my worst enemy. May you find peace.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2015): How can you ever forgive something like this? How can you ever forget something like this?
What your wife did to you is the ultimate betrayal. Nothing worse than having an affair but with YOUR BROTHER???? Talk about adding vinegar to the wound!!!
And this was not a one night stand or a mistake that she made and realized it and stopped immediately. It lasted YEARS!!!! Can you imagine all the lies she told you all along to sneak out and have sex with your brother??? All the while cuddle with you on the couch, pretend to be your loving, faithful wife, have sex with YOU TOO??? She did this in a cold and calculating way. Fully knowing what she was doing. She only feels stupid now because it was found out. Otherwise if she felt that bad during the affair, she would have ended it much more quickly. In fact, from the moment they crossed the line, they should have stopped.
Do you deserve to live with a woman who is capable of this? I am sorry but cheaters will never change. They can get all the counselling they want. But someday when she is lonely or feeling she is missing whatever she was missing with you, she will find it in another victim. The craving and the desire will always be there. Having an affair is an addiction. The lingering shadow of the allure and euphoria she felt from the illicitness of the affair will hang over your heads for as long as you are married. Trust me, given the right opportunity again, history will repeat itself. Only a matter of time. How could she LOVE you to do this to YOU?
A marriage is work. It can become boring and mundane. She was seeking an escape. She was missing something from your marriage. Do you want to wait for another rough patch for her to start up again? Do you want to live the rest of your life feeling paranoid every time she goes out? Wondering where she is going? Who she will be seeing? What she is doing? Because trust me, that fear and worry will never go away. It will eat at you and destroy your relationship anyway. She has proven she is capable of lying to your face while pretending to play the role of the wife who loves you and cares about you.
How does it make you feel when she held you and said she loved you but had just come back from sleeping with your brother? This is the person she is.
She is a liar.
She is a cheater.
She won't change.
I think the smart thing to do is to leave.
Find yourself a woman who is worthy of you.
I know it is hard but better than living a life where you will drive yourself crazy because despite your best intentions and possibly even wanting to work on trusting her, you will never be able to. Your gut instinct and inner voice is going to question everything she does. This is your way of protecting yourself against being hurt again. And you are always going to throw remarks her way if she goes out alone.... You are going to question. Worry. Fear. And maybe follow her. And it will be a vicious cycle. You are eventually going to build a wall to keep her out. You will find it hard to let her in again. To even want to touch her again. That is one tough mountain to climb. And why should you even want to? Or HAVE to?
I do not think I could ever forgive someone for this. Even if I LOVED them. Love isn't always enough.
And I certainly could never forgive my brother.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2015): I'm afraid to tell you such a thing will forever be in your head. There's no way to make it go away. You can't turn back the clock like it never happened.
In these situations, I do recommend marriage-counseling. You both need to talk and have a mediator to referee while you both tell your side, and express your feelings. You love her enough to forgive her; but you have to be able to deal with the knowledge of an affair that hits so close to home. That's not an easy task.
You need to get the anger and pain out in the open, internalizing it will only turn into rage. Your feelings about it will go through phases. You'll be able to handle it one day, and you'll feel a knot in the pit of your stomach the next. What you want to do is express your true feelings, and release the anger so it doesn't build-up inside you. You want to let her know how hurt you are without lashing out at her, or your brother. It moved you to write total strangers about it, because it's hard to wrap your head around. That's where counseling and therapy is helpful; even if you decide to end your marriage. It hurts in places you haven't even felt yet, so seek help so you can clear your head.
You don't have one person to forgive. You have two. You don't want to carry hatred around in you for your brother; nor your wife. So professional help with dealing with this is more than highly recommended.
My heart goes out to you, dear sir. I truly do know what it feels like to love someone even after they've done something so serious. It's heartbreaking; but your love is strong. I hope it all works out. If you can't get beyond it, don't bottle it up. Consider divorce.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (14 January 2015):
 Oh boy. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. It's not only a betrayal by your wife, it's also by your brother.
Why would you WANT to get it out of your mind? It's something that needs to be dealt with with both people, and frankly, "I hate myself for it" is a complete cop-out. She carried on for years behind your back, and even if it's over now, it doesn't erase the betrayal. Doesn't matter if it was 2 years ago, or 18 years ago.
You have some tough choices to make here. Trust is destroyed now. Her saying she's sorry is one thing, but she's sorry that she's been caught. What happens now? You have to suck it up and hope it goes away? No.
If you want to take her back, there's some hard work ahead, and both of you are going to need some extended marital counseling. You also need to confront your brother as well. Your wife is going to need to do a lot of rebuild and regain trust. Telling you she hates herself is not rebuilding trust. You both need to start from scratch, and it's going to be a lot of tears, time, and vulnerability...not to mention honesty. Has there been anyone else? Why your brother of all people?? How did it start?
The point is -- she cheated, then hid it from you for years. "I'm sorry" and "I hate myself" are like trying to close an open heart surgery with a child's Band-Aid. You should not be trying to get it out of your mind, and you certainly shouldn't get it out of your wife's.
There is always the option to end the marriage. Many people have found that they can't take back the cheating spouse, and to be honest, if my husband had cheated with my best friend, I'd find that hard to forgive, that or if he had gotten another woman pregnant or something.
You have a long, hard road ahead no matter what choice. You will feel the temptation to run from it, to try to get things back to the way they were. Let me offer a silver lining to you -- if you face this thing...if you stay strong...you can build your life to something better, because it will be based on truth. Do not shy away from dealing with your wife and this affair. If you find you can take her back after this, and if she's willing to do whatever it takes to get professional help for herself and both of you professional help for your marriage, then you can make it something better than it was, like a phoenix rising from the ashes. BUT, it can never go back the way it was, nor should you want it to. Before was a lie.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2015): Your wife says she hates herself for it, somehow I dont quite believe it or she would not have allowed it to happen or carry on for a number of years. And with your brother? I would personally be wanting a divorce like now.
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