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anonymous
writes: I'm not sure if anyone will be able to help with this but here we go....The problem is that I cant stop being rude or short tempered with my mum. I know it's shallow but it's because she's obese. The doctor has told her she needs to dramatically lose weight but she doesn't seem to care. She pretends like she's eating the right foods in small portions but still eats desserts and takeaways etc. She only does this rarely but if I was her weight (approx 20 stone!) I would never look at a takeaway again! especially as her health is at stake! Both my dad and I are very slim naturally and I know that new people I meet will assume that she's as slim as me and when I introduce her I can see the shock on their faces! I'm desperatly embarrassed of her and it's affecting my relationship with her, she's already 56 and has heart problems and I know she won't be around for very long so I dont want my memories of her to be bad ones. Another thing that really upsets me is she doesn't act like a lady. She really has no etiquette whatsoever. I'm really too embarrassed to even type what vulgar things she does, like going to the toilet and leaving the door open! and coughing up phlelgm etc... Is there anything I can do? I'e tried talking to her but she just thinks I'm having a go! I even got my dad to have a word as he feels the same way but she's not getting any better.
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reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (7 June 2005):
 Sorry, but this complaint sounds like it's all about you, not about your mum. You're worried about what your friends will think, because your mum's not slim like you. She embarrasses you because she doesn't act "ladylike".Try to get over your ego. You mother has health problems that only she can repair. Believe me, she knows that she's obese. Every minute of every day she's reminded of it. She knows that she's not eating the right foods and she's embarrassed about her lack of will (even if she doesn't admit it to herself). She definitely doesn't need her slim daughter pointing out her shortcomings!The reason that she responds badly to your "talking to her about it" is that - surprise! - you ARE having a go. Unless she's hired you as a nutritionist, it's not your place to tell any functioning adult how to eat right. It's especially not your place to lecture a grown woman with a weight problem, when you're a dependant child who's "naturally" slim. The fact is that you have no idea whatsoever as to what she's going through, and the kindest thing you can do is to offer support instead of focussing selfishly on how this affects you.If she leaves the toilet door open, you can quietly and unobtrusively close it. Don't say anything to her about it, just do it and move on.Why not ask her along with you for a (very brief) walk somewhere? She may not have much stamina, but even a 500m walk to the shops would help her feel like she's achieving something. If you want to help her, you have to encourage her! And keep encouraging her.If you really want to do something constructive, speak to your dad and see if he would be willing to talk to your mum's doctor about her eating habits so that the doctor is aware of what's going on and can be ready to tackle those problems on her next appointment.Meanwhile, when you feel embarrassed by something your mother does, remind yourself that you're VERY lucky to be young, slim and healthy. Imagine what it would be like to drag around 20 stone... then have someone you love nag you about it!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2005): Wow, your mum sounds like my mum's twin. Mine also is extremely overweight, while I am extremely skinny. My mom is constantly taking pills, coughing up phlegm and also leaving the door open when she is in the bathroom. She blurts out things I tell her in confidence when she is drunk, and gets overly emotional when my dad and myself try to give her suggestions. I have been very embarassed of her my whole life, but as she is my mum, I love her dearly. What seemed to have helped me is talking to my dad about the problems I think she has. He has subtly relayed these things to her, as he is also concerned, and I think that things are starting to get better. She is starting to look out for her health now. She still act bi-polar sometimes, but overall, having my dad give her an honest opinion has really helped. Just remember that no matter what, your mom has her issues, they should not become yours. She needs to know that for her health's sake, and for her family, she needs to make some changes. Have someone give her a second opinion, if you have given her one already. If you haven't told your mum your concerns, you really have no room to complain. Staying quiet doesn't do diddly-squat.
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (6 June 2005):
 I think the 'Devil's Advocate'(below) went on one a bit there and rather missed the valid point that I will attempt to explain here. Your mother desperately needs to lose weight for herself, not for you or your father but for her own health. You say she is obese, her doctor has told her she desperately needs to lose weight, she has a heart problem, her age... all these factors suggest that the most important thing you can do for your mum is not judge her, not be embarrassed by her antics but get her the help she so desperately needs before you do lose her. I know this is hard because she is refusing to accept the problem and thinks you are having a go at her. You need to readdress this issue with more sympathy and understanding. Tell her how worried you are for her, tell her you love her and want her to lose weight for health reasons, not because she embarrasses you. Forget the etiquette problems for now, her heath is far more important. Possibly, once she loses some of this extra weight, she may take more pride in herself and her behaviour; she could well be feeling rather down right now.You love your mum so reach out and help her without being judgemental. That way, you will always have happy memories to eventually look back on.Take care.
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reader, Devil's Advocate +, writes (5 June 2005):
 Oh you sympathetic soul you!Have you considered that you take after your father and are naturally slim whereas it would take a lot of work and effort for your mother to lose weight? She's your mother for god's sake, show some respect!Give her some encouragement instead of running her down. Maybe she's claustrophobic and can't shut the toilet door... she might have acute bronchitis so she coughs of phlegm...Find out the reasons before you judge so harshly the person that gave you life.
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