A
female
age
36-40,
*adyCorsair
writes:Hey there,I've been um-ing and ah-ing whether or not to post this for a couple of days now because it sounds trivial but it's plaguing me, so here goes...To begin with, I'm 25 and I've had depression since I was about 16. It was a mixture of being bullied in school, being attacked and the death of some people who I was extremely close to. I guess the depression kinda set in after my first boyfriend and fiancé of almost 6 years cheated on me, and I was left thinking I'd wasted my life on him.I had a few boyfriends, and then a year ago, I met my current boyfriend. We'll call him "LS". He's a year older than me, and my dream man. I mean, the first time we kissed, I actually said "wow" out loud. Yep, you heard me; out loud. Not good, huh? But he thought it was cute, and wanted to see me all the time. Things were going great! After a few months, I started to get upset with him because I was convinced he was either cheating on me, or falling out of love with me. This was due his depression at the time- him backing away from me I guess. But he never really talked about how he felt. He hated his job, and he hated where he lived...he struggled for money. We booked a holiday to go and see my Dad in AZ for 2 weeks, and he loved it. We had a great time, or so I thought. The day after we got home, he came over and told me he didn't love me any more and split up with me. I was in shock- the things he said, the way he said them were just totally out of character for someone like him. For about a month I cried over him, and was so sad and lonely without him. I saw him a couple of times, trying to get an answer from him as to why he left me. All I got was "I just don't see a future for us" and "I'm just not in love with you any more." I truly felt heartbroken- he was the love of my life as far as I was concerned. During that month, a guy I hadn't talked to in 10 years emailed me, so I emailed back and we kinda started up an Internet thing, as it was long distance. It helped, but I even ended up talking over my relationship with LS and the way it ended with him. So I was slowly piecing things back together again when I get an email from LS. He tells me how depressed he was, that he's been to the doctors... he doesn't remember half of what he said, and ultimately, he still loves me more than ever, and never stopped despite what he said. Now, I couldn't believe this- I had told myself firmly, (and firmly believed), that he would NEVER want me back. Ever. So I agreed to meet up with him, but I told myself the whole way there that I would say no to him. After all, he would only go and dump me again, right?We met up in our local town, and I looked up to see him standing there, outside Starbucks, and he looked so beautiful... I knew I was still in love, but I kept a stiff upper lip as they say, and we went inside for a coffee... He told me more about the depression, and how it plagued his life as it does mine. I understood completely, but I still felt like it was an excuse... I don't know if that was the selfish side of me believing it was me who was the problem or not... But that's how I felt. He walked me back to my car afterwards, and I hugged him. I took one look up into his beautiful brown eyes, and he kissed me. I melted. I still wouldn't give him a yes though... I was so scared my heart would be broken again...The next time we met up, he took me out to dinner at an Italian restaurant, and had even written me a poem. (Wayyyy out of character!) We went for a walk by the river, and I was fighting my emotions the whole time. It was so hard. Eventually, I gave in, and about 7 months later, here we are, still together. It's been about a year now, not including the month we were apart. 3 weeks ago, I spent 2 months with my Dad in AZ, and I missed LS like crazy, and he did me. He was very paranoid that I would cheat on him, and I was paranoid that he'd dump me as soon as I got back. But he didn't, he was there to pick me up from the airport as a surprise even! Things between us are so much better now... Before, he was always late when he came to see me, and made me feel rejected sexually. I can see now that this was depression, but even typing that, I feel like I'm making excuses for him...So there's the background story... If you've read this far, then thank you so much. I really do need your insight!So here's my dilemma- I'm now in a great relationship, I couldn't ask for it to be better, except for the fact that LS is still depressed due to his job and financial situation. He's attentive, punctual...wants me around more, but I'm incredibly paranoid that he'll dump me again. It's like a shadow hanging over me ALL the time. I feel like crying most of the time. I've talked to him about it briefly, without going into too much detail, and he's tried to reassure me that no way would he ever leave me again... he wants us to live together and get married one day. I suppose it doesn't help that I suffer from depression too though... We're not helping each other. How can I ease my paranoia and ultimately, how can I help him feel better? He's been on a waiting list for therapy for 20 weeks now, but he needs some help. I know that I do too, but I feel I can hide mine pretty well, at least for the time being. The paranoia I feel makes me ill, and every time he comes over, I convince myself that he's coming to break up with me. I want to be a fun loving, happy person that he can't wait to see, not a teary, paranoid wreck. How can I feel more secure in our relationship?Thanks for reading guys- I really appreciate it,Lady Corsair x
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Gridrebel +, writes (22 January 2010):
 You can't feel more secure in the relationship because the main worry you have is one that many people have in their relationship, even without the depression factor. Since nothing has really changed in your relationship except you both are more enlightened to each others problems, the risk is still there. Until your bf gets some professional help and maybe some meds, (mabe you too) the reasons for his sudden leaving in the past still exists. So, you can keep knocking yourself out mentally with worry or very slowly, train yourself with some positive reinforcement by thinking of other things. When you know he is coming over, concentrate and say to yourself: I am going to think of things to make him laugh when he gets here. Or..... my goal for our time together this day/evening is to find out his favorite movies or songs or foods etc. Set your focus on something else. Everytime a negative thought comes into your mind, exercise power over it the second it begins appearing and have a positive thing to say/think such as I sure like the way LS kisses. Or, I think LS is really cute. It doesn't have to be deep, just something that redirects your focus. Then, let your mind follow it. It appears that he does like you and wants to be with you. Don't let your worry take away from the bonds that could be growing between you.
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