A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year, and until now, I had virtually zero doubts about our relationship. Here's what happened...For the past few days, I have been really down- depressed, sad, confused. I found out that I'm pregnant, and I'm debating what I want to do. On top of that, I was informed three days ago that my son's father was found dead. Obviously, I have a ton on my mind, and I'm really stressed. Add onto all of this, I have to start a new job on Monday.Until now, my boyfriend has been pretty supportive, especially about the pregnancy, saying he'll stand by me whatever I decide to do. This afternoon we spoke for a few minutes. I was feeling very ill, upset, and still depressed, and I felt annoyed because he didn't seem to care all that much. So I didn't contact him or call him since then. I wanted to see if he would call or text to check on me. Around 9 this evening, he did call, but all we did was make small talk- he didn't ask how I was feeling or anything of that nature. Finally, I said, "In case you can't tell, I'm really feeling depressed right now". I went on to tell him (in an extremely calm and rational manner) that I don't feel he's being there for me the way I want/need him to be. I explained that I was bothered by the fact that he just went about his day like normal (went to a movie, etc), while I was feeling miserable all alone at my house. He was very defensive, saying that he doesn't understand me at all and that I'm "weird". This is not the kind of response I was expecting or needing, so I just got off the phone. An hour later, he sends me this text: "You know I understand the situation but you lashing at me is extremely insensitive and disrespectful, and gives me more insight into you and the future."I feel completely blind-sided. How am I the one being insensitive??? Can someone please offer me some advice and/or lend me some insight as to why he would be so selfish and mean to me? We've never had any problems before this. I refuse to be made to feel guilty about him supposedly feeling bad when I'm in agony right now! We did have one very minor argument before this, and I did notice that he seemed very selfish then too. What do I do??? And not sure if this makes a difference, but we are in our early 30's.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (9 June 2012):
 I hadn't initially thought about it like that, but I think You_Wish is right. He probably is feeling pangs of jealousy at what he believes are feelings towards your ex. I know that's not how you see it and probably not how you feel, but in his mind hes likely feeling jealous that you care about his death. In his mind, you should have moved on so thoroughly from your ex that his death would be as meaningless as a stranger's.
Of course this isn't how the world works and he's being unreasonable. But it sounds like that's the way he's feeling. I think you need to reassure him that you're 100% devoted to him and that you do not have feelings for your ex, it's just shocking when someone you knew well dies suddenly.
I'm sorry you're going through this, I don't want you to think I'm siding with him at all. I think he's being ridiculous. But I just wanted to point out that I agree with You_Wish and that sometimes when people act like idiots, it's not always for the reason we think it is. In this case it's not because he doesn't care, but more because he's letting jealousy override empathy.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (9 June 2012):
 I disagree. You mentioned that he's very supportive regarding your pregnancy.
However, you must understand that while this guy who is your son's father was a part of your life, and it's understandable that his death should affect you as it will affect your son, to him, it's an extreme display of affection towards an ex.
How does a guy act supportive towards the loss of an ex? This ex doesn't mean to him what he did to you. According to him, you shouldn't be in agony because he feels you should have moved on from him. Being there for you to mourn an ex's death puts him in a very uncomfortable position.
Put yourself in his shoes before excoriating him like this. The best thing he can do for both of you is not to "support" you, but give you space. The best thing you can do for him is to make peace with your ex's death and do what you have to for your son. Be your son's support.
Your boyfriend isn't being selfish. But he's not really the one who should be supporting you as you mourn an ex. Look to your family and friends on this one, because it's really jarring to have a current boyfriend comfort their girlfriend over the loss of an ex.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (9 June 2012):
Well you can't de-energize a guy and then expect him to suddenly feel motivated. All you have really done is say to him that he is being a bad boyfriend but you spend more time on that rather than explaining your real feelings and situation to him. You expect him to fully understand but from what I see he doesn't understand at all.
I mean for us it is easy to see why you have all these conflicted emotions going on with you but I am sure he doesn't see it or has experienced it the way we have. He is your boyfriend of one year so you should have just told him straight up about your feelings before you decided to not call him for the day. What you did really solved nothing and only hid your true emotions. In fact it was something meant to create more frustration.
Think about this like this. If you want someone to do a better job, do you encourage them? Or do you insult them? For me, my ex used to basically bring up my issues after I did them, and it was usually some time after the silent treatment and muffled communication if it does happen. I didn't like that. I don't feel like a good person to try better if someone talks down to me.
Now I completely understand your situation. There are guys who can pick up what is really going on but reality is that this is not the case atm. What I said was to just help you understand why he said the things he did. I am sure the stuff you are going through affects him as well, just not in the same way or maybe with the same effects.
Keep calm and remember that all isn't lost. Work it out with your boyfriend and try to find solutions to these problems. Plan early and try to look on the bright side of things because these things might seem like giant mountains but who knows, things can work out and be for the better. It can even bring the 2 of u closer.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2012): Sounds like he is doing the classic flip and blaming you because he feels some sort of guilt or ineptness.
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