A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi all. I would appreciate any advice on the following. I came out of an abusive relatinship not to long ago. It has been on and off for months, and I suffered with really bad depression with it at the end of last year and was off work in bed for weeks. It had all started off so well, then I found out the guy was controlling, manipulative and emotionally abusive. Anyway, that's over now,( thank god), and I have recently met a wonderful guy who is the opposite. He;s kind , caring , thoughtful, and we have been out on a few dates, and he really makes me feel safe and secure. We are moving towards he next stage and have been quite intimate, and want to sleep together. I am so nervous ( not because of the sex) but so scared of getting involved again, and each time I see him, I get to like him more and more, and have even been considering cutting off now while I still can, as I am terrified of getting hurt again, and becoming vunerable, and even though hs is nice, I am scared he might change once I get attached to him. I do not want to let him go deep down, as I know he is a great guy and am pleased to have met him. It is not that I am not ready for a new relatsionship yet, because if I am not ready now, I never will be, and I will never 'fall' again, and I do not want to lose this man. I know it is damage caused from the last relastionship, and I am in counselling for it, and have been for the last two months, but am still feeling quite sick at the thought of getting involved with nayone again. Ihave told this guy I want to take things slow, and he is really cool and in agreement with me. he is doing everything he can to keep me and show me who much he likes and cares for me. I felt realxed and happy, butnow I am feeling closer, to him I am terrified. Please advise. Thank you. x
View related questions:
emotionally abusive Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello all, thank you so much for your kind answers!! I'm really touched. JMJI - you are right .. I do know the signs of an abusive relationship by now, which is a good thing, and will walk if I see this guy turning, but I don;tthink I will see him switch, Yes, it was hard to get out of the abusive cycle with the other one, but it was literally do or die, and I had no choice, as I was getting so depressed and anxious that I was on anti depressants and stood to lose my job, home, freinds eveything. This new one came alog at the right time, and I am not going to let my feat get in the way, and am going to try and relax. Thank you all so muhc. :o) xxx
A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (16 March 2011):
 I think you need to trust yourself more.
You've been through a relationship with a guy who started off as normal but gradually became controlling, manipulative and emotionally abusive. You know what to expect. You know the warning signs. You should know by now what behavior you will and won't accept from a partner. You should know what are absolute deal-breakers, no matter what...
Trust yourself! You don't need to walk away now, you're in the best position to protect yourself from such a partner because you know what to watch out for! There's nothing wrong with getting more involved with this guy... just don't be afraid to walk IMMEDIATELY should he cross the line and don't ever make excuses for un-excuseable behavior.
If he does turn out to be a bad apple and you start thinking "he'll change back to when he was nice"... that's your cue to RUN!
Good-luck :)
...............................
A
female
reader, kaykay1989 +, writes (15 March 2011):
 First I would like to say well done for getting out of such an abusive relationship it couldn't of been easy and also that your on the right track by going to a councillor. It's understdable that your scared of being in another relationship but if your ready then go for it. It's seems that you have met a lovely man but I know it's hard right now but things will get better and you will learn to trust again. Don't spoil your chance of happiness carry on taking things slow and if he really is Mr right he will wait how ever long it takes. Don't push him away because you might just regret it.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2011): I am sorry that you had an abusive boyfriend and it is good that you broke up with him. You really sound happy and it is wonderful to hear that in your story. Do not walk away from this man. What if he is the one? You might regret later not to trying to give this relationship a chance.You say: "I want to take things slow, and he is really cool and in agreement with me. he is doing everything he can to keep me and show me who much he likes and cares for me." This guy seems to be a loving person who cares about you. Don't you agree? You are a lovely person and you deserve to be happy.. Good Luck and all the best.
...............................
A
female
reader, Justtryingtohelp +, writes (15 March 2011):
 Well I can completely understand why you're hesitant and afraid.
If you're feeling happy and close with him, you should carry on, you should not let that previous abusive ex ruin your love life.
If you think there is even a slight chance the new one is abusive then by all means walk fast but for now, try to be open to being comfortable with him if you can.
I don't see you mention whether he knows of the abuse or not?
I think he seems like he'd understand why you're a bit shook up about getting further with him.
If he doesn't understand, even if you explain it..maybe he is not worth your time.
I wish you all the best x
...............................
|
