A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This is a bit long winded but I just want to give you as much info as possible so bear with me.I started seeing a girl (shes 24, I'm 28) and we had been on like 3 or 4 dates. I was also seeing her most nights after work as we live very close. We had kissed several times (like long kisses)so I thought it was the start of a relationship. Then she was on-call ie could be called by work at any point and her friend (male) who is a student wanted to shadow her on-call to find out what it is like. As she was on-call all night he stayed over and slept in her bed. There is a spare room and sofa so I can see no reason why he had to sleep in her bed. She told me about this and she said that nothing happened, that they just slept on opposite sides of the bed. She seemed to think it was ok at first since she views this guy as like a little brother. She said she has known him for 3 years (doesnt seem that long to me?!)and has apparently slept in a bed with him before (I dont know the circumstances of that time). I told her that I was not ok with her letting him sleep in her bed but she just seemed to argue with me. I told her that I would have to think about things as I didnt really know what to do. Then she talked to her friends and they agreed with me that she had overstepped the line and she appologised to me. She said she just didnt think as she had slept in same bed with this guy before and is not attracted to him. I then just decided to give her the benefit of the doubt and just trust her and we are still seeing each other at the moment. Do you think I was right to do this or should I have just dumped her? Do you class that as cheating?She still sees this guy as a friend and I have seen him leaving her flat. They also text each other quite a lot but I havent said anything about that as I don't want to appear jealous or that I dont trust her. It feels very awkward for me.Another thing that is bugging me is that she has another male friend that she has told me herself has feelings for her. She sees this guy quite often and when she gets upset about things he goes over to see her and cooks her meals and brings her chocolates. I'm not really ok with this either but I havent said anything about it yet. Do you think I should or again just trust her?Thanks for your help
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (26 March 2012):
 OK, do this: get some hot buxom blonde to sleep in the same bed as you and make sure she knows. Let's see the reaction.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone.
In response to worldlywise's question- no we have not confirmed we are in a relationship. I have asked her about this and at first she told me she would have to think about it. Then after a couple of days she said she didn't think it was wise for her to be in a relationship because she has a lot of family issues at the moment. BUT the following day she changed her mind and told me she did want to give things a go. This is the point where I got angry and told her I would have to think about it as she completely messed me about. This was the point when she said she was feeling ill and upset and that guy I mentioned went over to see her with chocolates. Sorry I dont feel I'm explaining this very well but that is the gist of what happened.
In response to Deagan's question- I asked her how she would feel if I slept in a bed with another woman and she said she would be ok with that, that its only sleeping. I'm not convinced she would be though.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (26 March 2012):
 I've slept in the same bed as me guy friends, and I don't have a problem with it. I'm a bit like your girlfriend. After 3 or 4 dates you two are serious enough for her to change the habits of a lifetime. But she's been told this is what she must do, and even though she's done nothing wrong, she has changed herself for you.
Now you want her to stop having men friends give her comfort and listen to her troubles... sigh.
You should end this relationship. This girl isn't the right one for you. She sounds like a free spirit, with little idea of issues of jealousy. You sound like you want a girl a bit more like you. After 3-4 dates, you think your entitled to completely control her life.
End it, you'll never be happy, some story about her past, something she does unthinkingly will cause you to question her. You already don't trust her even though she's done nothing wrong and is just living her life and being herself. There is no point in continuing this relationship.
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A
male
reader, grymsoul  +, writes (26 March 2012):
 I would definitely call it a day and move on with your life, man. It's one thing to talk to a different guy that fancies you. But it's a whole other level to share your bed with a straight man. I have NEVER slept in the same bed with a woman that I didn't have any sort of attraction to. Infact it's uncomfortably awkward to think about sharing the same bed with "just a friend".
If she's so quick to defend this situation then I wager she values it. And if she values it then she obviously doesn't want to lose it. I'm sure you can connect the dots here, pal. What exactly can she be so afraid of losing from "just a friend" sleeping in her bed?
To be honest, I think she's taking you for a ride. She knows she has no problem attracting men and she's using it to her advantage. She allows a guy that likes her to constantly do things for her despite the fact that she's in a relationship. This alone tells me that she's a user.
Plain and simple. The fact that she doesn't see anything wrong with another man sleeping in the same bed as her proves that there are lines that she can easily cross and still not see the problem. Cheating is just around the horizon. Risk losing her or risk losing your sanity. Your call.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2012): She's a very popular girl isn't she?
Men in my experience, don't share a bed or go round and cook meals,bringing chocolates, if theyre not expecting something in return. Or hoping it will gain them something.
I would be very suspicious about her, if you were doing the same thing with girls I am sure she would have something to say.
Could be she's still in single mode in her head and is moving slower than you in your relationship, has she actually agreed you are in a relationship and exclusive?
If your in a relationship then when she gets upset I would have thought she would ring you to talk, not some other bloke.
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A
female
reader, Deagan +, writes (26 March 2012):
 She sounds pretty fishy. If she doesn't think it's a problem to have a guy friend sleep in the same bed, you have to wonder what other things she's okay with.
The fact that she doesn't understand why you have a problem with this means she won't understand a lot of things in the future. She sounds awfully stubborn.
And as mentioned by the another agony aunt, how would she like if it you were sleeping in the same bed in a girl friend of yours?
The fact of the matter you've told her how uncomfortable you are with it and she hasn't done a damn thing to alleviate that. She doesn't seem to value your concern. She's already screwed herself in developing any sort of trust with you.
For your mental sake, maybe think about not seeing her anymore.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (26 March 2012):
Imagine what she would say if you had a female friend who slept in your bed. That is your answer.
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