A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I just found out that a guy I’ve been seeing (though he’s been interstate for work for the past month) has never had a girlfriend before. That’s a 22 year old guy who hasn’t had even a casual relationship before. One of his friends just let it slip accidentally to me – we haven’t actually talked about our pasts, which had been driving me crazy with curiosity! All he knows about my relationship history is that I got out of a long term relationship not that long before meeting him…So my first question is do you think he might find that intimidating? That I’ve had at least 1 long term relationship and he hasn’t really dated anyone before? I’m also wondering WHY he hasn’t dated anyone before… he’s a good looking, nice, funny, smart guy and although it’s not impossible, it’s not an everyday occurrence for a guy in his 20s to have never had a girlfriend.Also, I’m guessing he wouldn’t have had sex before, so if we get more serious, am I likely to seem slutty by his standards? I’ve had 7 boyfriends and slept with 4, including some pretty risky sex in public places.Ahh, finding this out just seems to change everything! Like before I was thinking he didn’t like me that much (because he didn’t seem that keen, but now I think it was just nerves) or was seeing another woman or something. He’s shown no sign of wanting to commit – in someone who hasn’t had a relationship before, is this lack of commitment a sign of a fear of commitment or just an uncertainty over how to go about it, due to lack of experience? One last thing – I’ve been seeing someone else a little, a guy from my hometown who’s coming to visit me in a couple of weeks. He knows I’ve been seeing someone else and doesn’t mind, but I haven’t told the first guy about the hometown guy because I thought he just wasn’t very serious about me! But now that I know he’s probably gone further along the road to a relationship with me than anyone else before, I’m not sure what to do.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2009): I think I sound a lot like your description of the first guy (21, never had a girlfriend or any kind of romantic relationship). I'll respond to a few of your points with my thoughts."do you think he might find that intimidating? That I’ve had at least 1 long term relationship and he hasn’t really dated anyone before?"Yes, possibly. I know I do. I seem to think that such girls expect a boyfriend to meet a certain standard (their best previous boyfriend), and I feel it's unlikely I could meet that since I don't really know what I'm doing and have never had a relationship before to experiment with what works and what doesn't. Obviously this problem is avoided if both people are new to relationships, but it gets hard for guys like me in our 20s to find such girls as it seems almost every girl I'm interested in has had a boyfriend before."I’m also wondering WHY he hasn’t dated anyone before… he’s a good looking, nice, funny, smart guy and although it’s not impossible, it’s not an everyday occurrence for a guy in his 20s to have never had a girlfriend."In my case, it's shyness as well as the perception that no girls are interested, so why bother trying. I remember being shocked to find out that there was a girl who was indeed interested, and even knowing that, I have a hard time believing any one else could be, so I don't try."Also, I’m guessing he wouldn’t have had sex before, so if we get more serious, am I likely to seem slutty by his standards? I’ve had 7 boyfriends and slept with 4, including some pretty risky sex in public places."Sorry to say this, but possibly. It seems kind of odd that you are attracted to him given that you are on opposite extremes of the sexual experience scale. It makes me a little concerned about how compatible you will be. I think he can get over it if you show him that you are interested in a real committed relationship with him, which is probably what he wants if he's like me."Ahh, finding this out just seems to change everything! Like before I was thinking he didn’t like me that much (because he didn’t seem that keen, but now I think it was just nerves) or was seeing another woman or something. He’s shown no sign of wanting to commit – in someone who hasn’t had a relationship before, is this lack of commitment a sign of a fear of commitment or just an uncertainty over how to go about it, due to lack of experience?"In my case, it's fear. Fear of the unknown of a relationship and being so close to someone you care so much about. I think if you try to demonstrate to him how you feel more clearly and what you want in your relationship with him, you'll have a chance.Good luck.
A
male
reader, Mark25  +, writes (4 September 2009):
 The previous answer to this question is being a bit unfair. It's not odd. And it's judgemental to say that he probably has a hang up. Maybe he's just shy and unlucky.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2009): The new man probably has some kind of major hang up, maybe he's very small in the trouser department, or unsure of his sexuality. It is odd that he hasn't had a girlfriend. Try and seduce him and see what you get.!!
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