A
male
age
30-35,
*mptychair
writes:I am terribly in love with a wonderful girl. She makes me extremely happy and I love every minute with her. I am a year ahead of her at College, and I met her the beginning of this, her freshman year. She has a boyfriend of 3 years, back home and was struggling with a long distance relationship. I provided her comfort and security and reminded her of her boyfriend back home and we began a physical relationship. She told her boyfriend about a month into it and they broke up. The problem is that she is deeply in love with him and is trying to get him back. She says she does not think she feels strongly about me, but she never really knows how she feels. She tries to push me away to protect me, but we have terrific sex and she is so much fun to be around I cannot stay away. I do not know if I should make her choose, or if I should just remove myself from the situation or what. I am embarrassed to say that she forces me to tears sometimes when she expresses her love to him over the phone or on aim, and I feel like I am just a friend with benefits, however when we are actually together, making love or cuddling I feel truly loved and appreciated. What should I do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2008): Also, in response to moongoddess:
I'm sorry I disagree with everything you said.
The girl is still emotionally attached to her ex because that is natural for any long term relationship to have a buffer period.
OP still wants to be with her because her past relationship is not a big issue for him - HE is the one getting her affection right now, and that's all that matters to him. Emotional attachment takes a bit to build up, and it *will* build up. She will NOT go back to her ex.
She is not 'using' the OP. She is just trying to find happiness for herself, and somewhere down the road when they've been together for some time she'll end up loving him.
And lastly: the OP is not her second best option. He is someone *higher* up than her exbf, which is why she started a relationship with the OP in the first place.
How can I be sure of all this? A somewhat gross understanding of women now, combined with first hand experience of exactly the same situation. :-)
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2008): Awfully similar to a past experience of mine - but from the other end.
While I'd kick you for barging in between a (presumably) happy couple - the blame's still on all 3 of you. She will profess her love for him. This will not cease immediately, it was a 3 year long affair. What you should do is NOT leave right now. Stay. Otherwise you will have ended up ruining someone's perfectly good relationship, look like a douchebag and no one gets anything in the end either: the worst possible scenario.
Stay with her, try to pull through the (hopefully short) phase of a few months where she will be utterly confused which way to go. Don't ask her to choose, ask her to stay with *you*. Be assertive. Tell her if she got back with him they would still have trust issues. He can't see her as often as you either, and that college means 4 long years, new people and new experiences. Her happiness matters to you, and her old relationship has already ended barely a few months into the school year - it's going to be incredibly hard to go back into it *and* expect it to continue well into her college years.
It's logical, she already wants you (wouldn't sleep with you otherwise), but is going through a stage where she is still upset for losing her ex. What you can do is support her and show her that the present and future matters more than the past. After some time, if you are assertive enough and give her good reasons, she will choose you. She might not love you as much as her ex (that's natural - she's known you only a few months), but with time that will be a non-issue as she falls for you simply because of proximity. I might sound like the devil's advocate but there really is no better alternative. In such a situation, at least 1 person gets heartbroken, or at most 3 persons. If you leave now, all 3 get hurt. If you stay, just her ex does.
Wish you the best.
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