| A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I really need help.I have been distancing myself from my boyfriend of 2 years for the last little while. Maybe 6 months or so. It's been a slow and steady process. Designed to protect my heart from getting hurt very badly. I just could never trust him and I always feel he is cheating on me. I not sure if he is or isn't. I have no real proof of him doing anything like that. But I have convinced myself he is. Like that is the truth I believe regardless of him always denying it and regardless of lack of concrete proof.My physical interest in him is waning too as part of this process. I am not into him sexually like before because I am repulsed by him and the fact I have convinced myself he is cheating and still staying with me. I have told him many times I would not tolerate that and that I would leave him. He has tried to convince me. Show me his emails and all his Facebook messages. Of course he could have deleted any evidence before volunteering to show me. He just isn't emotionally open enough with me to trust him. He tells me he needs female validation to convince him he is attractive because he feels he is not. He said it doesn't mean he flirts or is seeking greener grass but still... the fact he seeks it out at all is worrisome. He has had an affair on a previous wife. No, I am not a mistress to him. I am his girlfriend. The trust issues result from him stepping out on a former wife. He led a double life at the time and I worry the fact he was able to compartmentalize it all so well means he can do it to me too. He seems to be able to turn his emotions on and off. He can be very attentive and loving one minute and then distant and quiet the next. I have been trying to feel safe with him. But I always feel like I am walking on a tight rope. Worrying every time he goes out. What is he really doing? Where is he going? Who is he with? It is tearing me apart emotionally. These days I can barely hold it together. I cannot function in my daily life because I am crumbling under the constant weight and pressure of anxiety, worry and paranoia. I love him and do not want to end this relationship to regain my peace and sanity. I am hanging on by a thread right now. We are going on a trip next week as well. Not sure if this will help any.I just don't think relationships are supposed to tear us apart this way. I think I know deep down he does not love me but I love him and I cannot bear the thought of my life without him. It is like the U2 song... "I can't live with or without you."I sometimes feel he pulls away from me too. Maybe he senses my distance? Looks like we are both struggling to keep it together. I take it he is losing interest but he takes it that I have been losing interest and we each pull away. I don't think he wants to get hurt either. I feel like I have been punishing him for my fears and worries. I am always accusing him of seeing other women. I think it has driven a wedge and has affected the relationship. He is stressed because of me accusing him and I am stressed because I think he is cheating. It is a never ending circle. It's like we go round and round with the same issues and dialogs repeating itself but nothing ever changes. I feel really defeated and I feel like I am clinically depressed. I have had other problems weighing on me in my life and I think I took them out on him expecting him to take them all away. Maybe too big a burden on anyone to be your psychologist.He texts less than before. Complains I tire him out sexually when he used to love that about me.I feel like this resentment has built up and I am trying hard to fight it off. He is a weak and insecure man who needs his ego boosted. By me or women in general. He also works with women and has mainly female business contacts. This does not help any. As his opportunities for "ego boosting" are abundant. We have had many arguments about my jealousy and insecurity surrounding his female entourage at work. I worry there is always greener grass for him. I worry the minute I drop the ball or fail to prop up his ego he will be off trying to conquer the next woman who opens the door for him. To worry you are going to be replaced at every turn is so soul destroying and it has taken my self worth and confidence with it. I have been told I am beautiful and have so much going for me. He saw my beauty and all my good qualities but I just feel like he is dragging me down with him. I still believe he is cheating. I may be wrong but how does a woman dismiss her gut? The fact he is more tired lately and doesn't want sex as often has sent out huge warning bells for me. Our relationship was in large part based on sex. So I think he wants another woman now or is thinking about it. He said he is not looking. He has been with many women and I am the best. So many words. But I just can't seem to get the emotional closeness I want out of him. He has this wall up. He tends to pull away if he gets too close. And it hurts me very badly because I want to be close to him. So I have backed off. When I used to be more attentive. But I just feel that because he is not wanting to be close, I give him what he wants. And sexually I am pulling away because I am not a sex machine and have sex with a guy I have to constantly keep a wall up for. I need the emotions and openness for me to perform sexually. I can't just turn it all off and have sex for sex only. I am not built that way. It did start out as a FWB but I ended up having more feelings for him. He is content to keep going with the sex but I am starting to resent him and pull away. It is a mess. I wish I could keep having sex without all the baggage as I suspect that despite staying with me he is tiring of it. It is not the way it used to be. I worry I am losing my shine and becoming high maintenance for him. And I worry he is out looking to replace me with a lower maintenance woman who can handle it better. Although I suspect those types would be few and far between especially the longer they would stay in such s relationship.Not sure what to do? I try to sabotage it a lot. He does too in his own way. We both have a hard time being together although the sex has kept us solid. But we also cannot stand being apart or not being in each other's lives.I hoping the trip will be good for us.Can anyone help me?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2016): There are many good reasons to worry.
I don't agree with female anon. When a man has a history of cheating, the behaviour pattern is much more likely to repeat itself with subsequent partners. So, the odds that he is cheating now or will cheat tomorrow are much higher.
Men like this who are seeking the fantasy escape relationship and usually these are predominantly sex based, are not stable in terms of seeking a life long or even long term relationship. So, you are setting yourself up for defeat trying to make this man into the man you want him to be and denying yourself the truth. It is right in front of you. I think you see it. But you choose not to. You are choosing to delude yourself in order to continue this relationship. You have your reasons but remember what you are sacrificing. So, in essence you are hoping he will turn into the decent, good guy that you are looking for. But you know he is not that guy... despite your hanging on and hanging in and hoping he will magically change his stripes overnight. Despite your need to control him. It just does not happen this way. These guys never change. It is likely he has already had a history of repeated affairs and will continue this pattern even after you are gone.
You feel for him much more than he does for you. This has caused friction in your relationship. He was always in it for no strings. You have fallen for him and are pressuring him for an emotional commitment. Now that it has become complicated, he has likely sought out yet another escape because he feels you are not stroking his ego like before. You are now high maintenance and this is not how his fantasy is supposed to be. And you have taken the FUN out of his fantasy escape. So enter another woman who has begun to stroke his ego and off he goes. To the greener grass. Guys like this are suckers for greener grass. They are always in search for it so yes, every woman will always be competition. Sure he would take the opportunity to bang another woman if he felt he could get away with it. I do not think he is going to dump you for anyone else. Why would he?? I think he is having you and whoever else he wants. Why would he give up a long term source of sexual satisfaction in you (and a comfort level) for others who may be just fillers? I do believe you are his main squeeze if you can say that. But I also believe he is dabbling with other women if he has opportunities.
The question is can you live like this? Can you live with the idea of your man having sex with other women? I know I couldn't. So, if you do have a gut feeling or a collection of incidences that point to him cheating, why don't you dig deeper and find out for sure? If you are reluctant to leave because you have no proof, then get the proof. Some people would need just their gut to guide them and that would be enough. So, if they think he is cheating, that is enough as the trust is obviously broken. But you on the other hand, seem uncertain. So be certain. Then make your decision. Either you find a way to get the facts or trust him. I suspect that you will never be able to trust him anyway and that your relationship is going to be doomed no matter what.
So your head knows. It was never true love and it never will be. You will never get that from him. What you will get is no strings, unlimited sex with him. He will continue doing that for as long as you (and other women) let him. Your heart says, Oh but I love him. I cannot let him go. He really is a good guy. He is not cheating. I really want to trust him. There is an explanation for this and that... The sex is amazing.... on and on.
Terrible dilemma to be in. It is very emotionally destructive.
Most women cannot handle this type of FWB relationship. At least not long term. Feelings always come into play and they inevitably start to resent the man and pressure him for more. He pulls away. He never wanted complications (he was never in it for complications or he would be in a stable, committed and traditional relationship) and finds another fresh escape yet again and begins other affairs and the cycle repeats. I am not saying it is your fault. You are human and have feelings. Nothing is wrong with you. But everything is wrong with HIM. You see every woman starts out fresh and exciting for him until they unleash their baggage and then it is onto the next. That is the way these guys operate.
Your choice in men is not very good. I think you may have known this but got caught up in the RUSH in the beginning. Now that the rush has faded and you have settled back into some semblance of reality you are seeing this man for who he really is. Warts and all. And who he really is... is a cheating, disgusting pig.
Try to step away and work on your own self worth. You have been vulnerable for a very long time and sought him out as a way to feel better about yourself. You need to look within for your inner peace, not to men like this. They will only destroy all the good things you have in your heart. Please do not let him take you down with him.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2016): Well... First, you cannot use what he did prior to dating you, against him. He may have cheated on his ex wife, but that does not mean he will cheat on you. You need to let that go. Trust is very important in a relationship. You need to trust each other or this relationship is better off broken. You need to ask yourself what exactly has he done to cause your 'gut feeling' or insecurity. You can't just say it's my 'gut feeling' it has to come from somewhere. Another thing to try is to 'verify' your gut feeling. It's stupid and petty, but this exercise may help you battle your own demons. For example, ask him 'where are you?' He tells you he's home watching TV but you hear loud background noise. You suspect he's at a club dirty dancing with every girl there. You say to him, 'Baby, I'm feeling insecure again. Can you please help me? I know you don't have to, but can you please turn on your location services on your phone so I see where you are. By seeing that you are home and not at some place I'd imagined, it will help me battle my insecurity.' He turns on location services, and you see he is at home. You tell yourself, see, I had no reason to not trust him. The next time you have that 'gut feeling' either tell yourself that you've verified and he did 't lie, or ask your boyfriend to kindly help again. Please note that this exercise is only meant to be done temporarily and you must kindly explain to your boyfriend and ask for his help. After a few times of proving your gut feeling is wrong, you MUST make a conscious effort to go against your 'gut feeling' and trust him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2016): "He said he is not looking. He has been with many women and I am the best. So many words."A guy will say anything if he thinks it will get him laid."But I just can't seem to get the emotional closeness I want out of him."He's getting exactly what he wants out of you."He saw my beauty and all my good qualities . . ."He saw a insecure, vulnerable woman whom he could charm into bed by fluffing your vanity and stroking your ego. "I can't just turn it all off and have sex for sex only."He can."Not sure what to do?" You can either walk away with some semblance of dignity and self-respect or you can wait for him to officially dump you for the other woman (or women) he's probably already boinking on the side of the side. If he can charm you into hopping into the sack with you, then he can do the same with somebody else, and likely has and is. A guy who's capable of cheating on his wife is certainly capable of cheating on his fuck buddy.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (13 April 2016):
 I think you should end this relationship, what exactly is it that you love about him? About this relationship? All I can see is pain and hurt. You cannot change his past and him cheating, and you cannot get over that. The more you accuse him of being unfaithful the more it will push him to do so. A relationship is useless without trust, and unless you both go and see a professional to get some help I suggest finishing this relationship and getting yourself some counselling for your insecurities.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2016): Oh dear, this sounds less than ideal :/
I can understand all of your insecurities, especially given his past. I can also relate to how you are feeling in terms of feeling like an anxious wreck around him. It is very challenging when the one you love doesn't open up emotionally and you begin to fear the worst.
I would say that the best thing you could probably do for yourself is to break up with him. I know that you love him, but it is clear a lot of anguish is being caused by this guy. His past will never go away sadly and I think you will feel as though a cloud has been lifted if you didn't have to go through all of the worrying/doubting.
You deserve a man who can whole-heartedly love you. Hope this helps a wee bit, all the very best.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (13 April 2016):
I love this right here...
"He has had an affair on a previous wife. No, I am not a mistress to him. I am his girlfriend."
If he is still marriage and does not have a divorce...you are his mistress....call it whatever you want, a rose is rose even by a different name.
How can you call this a relationship when you spend more time stressing about it, than living and loving it???
Let me ask you this...If you are walking down the street, and you see a lion walking towards you, what would you do?
Would you keep going on the same street, and hope for the best? Maybe the Lion will not kill me. I do not trust the Lion, it has killed before. It has lead a double life, pretending to be a tame vegetarian. But I worried it might attack me...it was very good at compartmentalizing it's life so well before.
Or would run the other way, and get the hell out of there to safety???
LUST and LOVE...are not friends...they do not like each other. So do not confuse the two.
Would you like me to give you some running shoes??
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