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**onelydude
writes: Should I finally get divorced to my wife?My wife and I have been married now for 17 years, I am 38 yrs old, she is 35 and we have one kid 16 yrs old. We got married early as you can tell if you do the math. The reasons I have thought about getting divorced break down to 2 main issues.1st Issue: Intimacy,sex and romance.When my wife and I were going out together and up until about 3 months after we got married (which is when we found ot she was pregnant), we had plenty of good sensual sex and we were intimate with each other alot ie: holding hands, carressing each other hugging, etc. Ever Since then, we have been having sex on the average of 2 times a month and not much in the way of intimacy. I have researched and tried everything you can think of to work on the problem during the years, everything from talking about it to reading literature on the subject in order to gain some knowledge and insight into what I can do to help. I have tried sensual massages which seems only to put her to sleep, romantic gestures, asking her if maybe she wanted to attend marriage counseling with me and so on. All to no avail. Her answer is always to the effect of "I just don't feel like it" or some other excuse that is convenient at the time. I regularly compliment her on her beauty and how I find her attractive and sexy.I do not believe and have never had the cause to believe that she is having an affair. All the years we have been married, at several different times I have suggested for us to have a kind of "date" together or even to get away for a weekend together. She controls the finances (a point which I will get to later)so I can never set up a surprise romantic interlude. When I ask for the money to do this, it is always with the answer that we do not have the money. Even though now I make $80,000 a year. I think that somehow with that sort of money, we should be able to do something romantic together. As far as the sex goes, when we do have sex, I know what I am doing in bed and I can and do bring her to orgasm. So that is not an issue. I am not a bad looking man, I have not gained much weight from when we were going out and I try to exercise reqularly. She also has gained weight since my son's birth 16 years ago, and I still find her attractive and tell her so.2nd Issue:She is controlling.FinancesShe controls the check book, credit cards, and how much I can spend a week in the form of an allowance. Since the beginning of the marriage, she is unwilling to let me do the bills. When I have questioned her about this she says that she wants to be the one that does the bills and holds the checkbook. She keeps the credit cards hidden away and does not keep them on herself or let me hold the credit card even though I am the one making the money. If I were to make any purchases over 10 dollars, she will make a big issue out of it and question me on the purchase. So again, no surprise to do anything romantic such as flowers or anything else. And when I do something like this secretly she gets upset that I spent the money. We are in no means hurting for money. I can never go somewheres and treat my parents or friends or brother to anything without her permission. If I go to have some beers, which hardly ever happens now, with my friends or my brother, I am told do not spend more than a certain amount, and to be home by a certain time. I have never, again never, done anything to make her believe that I can not handle finances or anything else.I know this is kind of long, and it doesn't include everything. I have never cheated on her or even given her a reason to think so. Aproximately 4 times in our marriage I have brought up these issues, we have had a long discussion about it which only ended up with her saying that she cannot change and does not want to change. I have brought up marital counseling several times and she does not want to attend. A couple of those times I told her I wanted to get divorced then and she ended up crying and I would feel like such a heel that ended up telling her that I was just under stress or something like that and decided each time after that that maybe I was just making more out of it than there was and maybe it was me and something that I needed to work on. Now I have come to the point where I think I need to get divorced or I will be unhappy forever. I do believe that a child needs to have a "whole" family growing up, so that was the main reason I stayed and endured but now that he is going to graduate from highschool in two years, I need to decide if I should get divorced in 2 years. Sorry for the long question but I thought that you should hear all the facts. Thank You, I hope to get some feedback from you.
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female
reader, adele +, writes (18 June 2006):
Sorry what did i miss, You love your wife, you tried everything you can to no avail , and she shows no interest in puting in her half of the peace effort, you work hard , she controls ALL FINANCES and you have to justify ten dollars. Hello Hello. YOu ask for a divorce and she crys wolf , why ? , have you asked yourself that?. Intimacy , and love, we all need intimacy, and we all need love , it is your god given right to be recieved with repsect that this woman does not allow you to have. Does she love you ?. If you have twice asked for a divorce, you have seen the light, why is your wife so demanding and controlling of you, stop letting her do it, take some control back, even the scales up , and if she cannot handle this , then you have your answer, she wants you, so she may control the money and it's trappings, you are providing her with that means to do it , and your responsible for letting her , as much as she is for doing it. Not a nice basis for a happy union, you deserve better, get a better deal or walk away, and learn from this experience, and do not repeat it.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2006): Wow, that IS really controlling. I mean, I have heard of the wife checking the amount of miles on the clock in the car etc, but that is REALLY controlling. I mean, if you earn 80k a year, then I think you should have the right to spend some of it! My guess is she's worried you will cheat and realises that if she handles the finances, then you cant take some other woman out and spend money on her. But not even letting you hold the card?!?! Dude, I repeat, that is YOUR money. Why should you need permission to spend it. As you said, you have no financial troubles. The worst thing you have done is tell her maybe its your fault when she cried. She is emotionally controlling you as well as financially. I would sit down with your wife and say in no uncertain terms that it's marriage counciling or divorce. You're totally right, there is no way you can live like this forever, not happily at least.
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A
female
reader, Smiler +, writes (28 May 2006):
 Hey Sweetiedon't be sad :-( come on honey it takes two to make a relationship work well and you are doing all the work by yourself... thats not on! your wife needs to realise how close she is to loosing such a good man, i can't understand why she keeps avoiding the counciling when that is clearly whats needed here to heel whats happening its unfair that she expects you just to carry on even though you are clearly unhappy... i have read your question throughout and i think you are completely right to be feeling how you are, if your the one earning all the money here why is she controlling everything does she think u are useless... you need to put your foot down sweetie tell her it s councilling or divorce. you can't go on being unhappy and under her thumb... hello your a human bean you have rights to decide what you want to buy where and who you want to go out with and whatever you spend so something has to give here she needs to share some of the control with you and open up to you again before its too late and she looses you altogether... my advice to you would be sit your wife down at tell her exactly how this is making you feel, that your so unhappy and simply can't go on any further this way you either go to counciling as a couple or you split up and get a divorce you deserve some happiness to after all so put yourself first for once oki hope my advice has helped you out a little please let me know how you get on You Take Care OK X
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2006): Hi l*onelydude,
I did read all of your question, I'm sorry to hear you are so unhappy :(.
It sounds like your only chance to change things is through counseling, and seeing as you seem to be almost at the end of the road with your marriage, can you not ask her to attend, but back it up with a consequence this time?
e.g. tell her how you feel, say nothing has ever changed but that you love her and want things to improve and that you think counseling will help with this? Say you want to give the counseling a try otherwise you do want a divorce because you are unhappy. If you can show her you love her, and it's just that you are unhappy but want to fix things, hopefully she'll want to do what she can to help you.
Also maybe it would be a good idea to speak to a lawyer or someone to discuss your finances, just so you know you are protected, *if* things get messy.
It sounds like you have done the right thing so far, I really hope things work out for you ok? :)
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