A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend went on a cruise ship with his (male) friends last week.I expected it to be hard. I was a bit moody during the first day he was there, but the remaining 6 days I felt fine about the fact that he was having fun. He kept in touch with me frequently, etc.But now he is back home. We are in a long-distance relationship. The last time he came to visit me, he checked his e-mail using my phone and I peeked (yes, I do know it's wrong to do that...).I saw a few emails from Facebook from girls adding him. I don't know if I am blowing it out of proportion, but I feel very upstet about it. He had told me he didn't meet any girls while there (he also hates when I talk to guys), and when I saw this e-mail I freaked out. I asked him if he met any women at the cruise after I saw it, and he replied saying no.Then I asked him if he was sure, and he asked me what does "met" mean?I told him it meant if he talked to any girls/partied with them etc, and he said "sometimes they were sitting near us", and after a while he said that sometimes girls came up to talk to him and his friends.I know I can't forbid him from talking to the opposite sex, but the fact that he lied to me about it is making me think maybe he has something to hide? My mind is going around in circles about all the possibilities and I feel like I am going crazy.I am insecure, so perhaps everything is just in my mind, but I have this horrible gut feeling that something happened. Am I completely insane? He is a nice guy, but I have a hard time trusting him due to something that happened at the start of our relationship (below)------BackgroundI am his first girlfriend. We have been together for almost two years, but known each other for around four. I first met him when I visited his hometown, and we went out on dates a few times before I left. We kept in touch for two years, talking almost every day and I visited him two years ago. One week into my visit, he told me he was going out with his friends and left me all alone in his house with his mother because his friends didn't like when the other's invite their girls to a night out. This was fine, I honestly didn't have a problem with but I found out he had hooked up with a girl that night.I was extremely upset then. Sure, we hadn't talked about what we were, and he told me that was why... if it was a random guy I had been seeing for a week, I wouldn't have minded, but this guy and I had already known each other for two years and it felt like I was nothing to him. Before he left to party, I actually told him I wouldn't feel comfortable if he did something with a girl. I confronted him and he lied about it until I told him that a friend of mine had seen him. Then he finally admitted to doing it.He apologized to me, deleted the girl from Facebook, and since then we have been a serious couple.I know we weren't in a relationship when it happened, but it still feels different because we had known each other for a very long time back then and at least for me, he already meant the world.I feel that his has caused a lot of resentment and lack of trust from my side. More than the hookup, it was the way he looked me in the eyes and said he had done nothing. It makes me incredibly afraid to think that he can lie so well.----He is a great guy. He is handsome, funny, supportive of the things I do, and incredibly sweet to me.All in all, his behavior during the cruise and after hasn't changed, although he has been telling me that he misses me and wants to be with me much more often.I have seen now a new girl from the cruise added him, but he hasn't accepted her request. I am guessing he is afraid I will snap at him again.I don't want him to feel afraid. I don't like it, but I have no right to forbid him from talking with anyone. What bothers me is the lying... Of course I hate the idea that he was visiting extremely romantic places and warm places with these girls, drinking unlimited alcohol, etc, but more than anything is the lying, because it makes me feel that he has something to hide.Am I completely nuts???? I don't want to tell him how I feel because if nothing happened, then I'm a shitty person for accusing him of cheating, but I've felt so bad about it for the last couple of days and it doesn't stop...
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (24 May 2018):
 Honestly it is not okay to invite someone to your home then leave them to go party with the boys and hook up with another girl. If that was me I would have walked there and then and not entered in to a relationship with him. However you allowed him to treat you like this from day one but it has come with the consequences that you now don't trust him. Honestly a relationship is nothing without trust and the fact that you are both long distance makes this worse as your mind can go in to total over drive. I am not sure what is the best advice to give you. But I know personally if you don't have trust it is best to walk away.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2018): No you're not nuts.
He has had sex behind your back.
Search your instincts.
he has lied to you.
You showed him who's boss and he has upped the ante.
you've been fair. he has had sex behind your fair back. You know this and so do I. I don't know how. I JUST DO.
I completely trust my Instincts these days.
I can smell it.
he has cheated on you.
He knows it.
I know it
And
SO DO YOU!
Now. I don't know why you put up with this. You must be mad and I live to deal with madness.
Find your heart, not a man who cruises through life's!
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A
male
reader, DarrellG +, writes (23 May 2018):
 Well no your not insane because your feelings have a rational root in the fact that he lied to you. It is therefore only natural for you to suspect him now. This is why when someone lies to me it is a long way back for them because I start to wonder what other lies they have told me which is indeed the only natural response. Having said all that he seems just as insecure as you are which isn't a recipe for success I have to say and your in an LDR which makes this look like a perfect storm of misery just waiting to break at any moment. I think you need to get on top of this issue right now before it ends the relationship because it will. It could be 6 days, weeks, months or years but it will happen because you cant have a real relationship without trust, not one that lasts permanently in any case. I also hate to say this but people who are lying generally do have something to hide, it's called the truth, hence the lie. I think you need to have a long hard think about where this is going personally and if it is sustainable like this because personally I am not convinced it is. This will grind you down and be no good for either of you in the long run unless you lance the boil of this lack of trust.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (23 May 2018):
 I can never understand this kind of stuff. How can you be with someone you don’t trust? How can you live wondering what your partner is up to all the time? I can’t even begin to understand the levels of stress that would add to normal daily life, it’s not worth it surely?
You have two options, you either suck it up and accept that it’s always going to be this way or you break up. If someone constantly makes you feel uneasy there’s a reason for it. He’s already shown his sleazy side whilst getting with another girl whilst you waited at his house for him to get home. That was the perfect time to get out of this but you lapped up his shitty excuse and now look how deep you’ve gotten.
You’ve seen how easily he can lie to your face on multiple occasions, so where do you go from here? Do you think these feelings will magically subside?
I don’t see a future here. There’s no trust from you and jealousy on both sides.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2018): OP here - Clarifying: He checked his email on my phone the last time we visited me (one month ago). We haven't seen each other since the he came back home from the cruise (two days ago), because we are long distance.
I didn't log out of his e-mail account and that's when I peeked and saw the e-mails from Facebook.
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