A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I feel so confused and riddled with guilt. I am married to someone I've been with for nearly 4 years. I do love and care about him very much. However a few days ago I told him I didn't want to be with him anymore because I'm not inlove with him. He's had a gambling problem for 10 years and I never knew about it until I picked up on it about a year into our relationship. Which has been a big problem in our marriage. Also this problem has lead to him having an anger problem. He goes out partying alot for weekends. I think these things have all led to me not being inlove with him anymore. We are a forces family so we live away from everyone we know. He's off to Canada in 11days and he's said we should see how things go until he goes. But I feel so confused at what to do next, my family will be so disappointed in me for failing at this marriage only 18months in. I have a job where I am too so I want to stay here to keep my job and my daughter (his step daughter) is settled at a school. So I'd like to stay where I am.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2015): You are very young - and I don't mean that in a patronising way - I say this because I married at 18 to someone who had a LOT of hidden issues and I was simply too naive to see them. He was 10 years older than me and able to hide his flaws. I am guessing if your husband has been gambling for 10 years then he is at least a bit older than you. I honestly believed when I divorced my husband (I started proceedings at 24 and by 26 I was divorced) that I would never fall in love again. I feared the judgement not just of my family, but the whole world. I had never been close to my family, which is partly how I came to marry so young. Janniepeg is right though, if they are going to judge you for leaving him (mine did) then they are not really 'family'. And it could be that you also married young to escape them, or to try to prove to them that you could be happy and loved by someone, but maybe without realising that you were doing so. Now you fear proving them right? ie. that you are unlovable or incapable of making someone happy? If so, please believe me when I say that's nonsense. It's all your worst fears kicking in but they certainly won't be resolved by staying with this person.If he married you knowing he had a problem then, sorry, but he's untrustworthy. Addiction of any kind ruins people's lives and is hell to live with.With hindsight, I know that I would, these days, be far less naive and trusting as I was back then. I would get to know a man thoroughly, including how he manages his finances, before marrying him. You can take far more care in the future. My feeling is that you probably fell head over heels with this person and were too trusting with him. Meanwhile, you've ended up acting as Mum to his stepdaughter and are now in the predicament of wondering what to do.I think SoVeryConfused is right. Stay where you are for now but go to Al-anon meetings and SERIOUSLY reconsider your priorities. You are far too young to waste your life and time really does heal so many things and so much pain. There is a much better future ahead of you if you can start to get a different perspective on this situation that's become normal, but is in fact very unhealthy for all involved.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (13 April 2015):
 I think you should stay where you are.
I also strongly urge you to get to an Al-anon meeting. While your husband is not an alcoholic he is an addict. He has a gambling addiction and Al-anon can help YOU learn how to cope with him and his behaviors.
The principles are the same for all addicts.. and even when you are not with him it can help you as it's for YOU not him.
Also, leaving a bad marriage will not disappoint your family. He is not who he pretended to be. you have nothing to be guilty about.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (13 April 2015):
 You did not fail your marriage. He did. You did not cause him to get angry, to gamble and to party a lot. If your family can't see that and you can't explain what you wrote here and have them understand, then you don't really have a family. You have people who care about status, social approval over a daughter's happiness. If they paid a lot at the wedding then I understand your guilt but guilt is never a reason to stay in a marriage. People who pay for extravagant weddings are taking a risk. The grand gesture and all the rituals of the wedding do not guarantee a happy marriage. What you can only do now is damage control and make sure your husband does not steal from you to gamble.
If you know your family well and predict that they tell you to suck it up, to be a better wife and just listen to him, basically siding with him, then it is counterproductive and it could make you stay in a miserable marriage.
Talk to your husband about your wishes to divorce. I am guessing you are a point where talking to him doesn't work. Then you can file for divorce with the least resistance. With him away it is easier to deal with. The distance will make you move on.
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