A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm bisexual and I've been friends with this guy for ages. Ever since I met him I've been very sexually attracted to him. During the course of our friendship I disclosed that I was bisexual to him, he was surprised but never brought it up again or made an issue of it or me. Despite it being a very private matter, he told two of our mutual friends. I was very angry but never made it clear this had annoyed me because i thought it better to let is settle. In this time, it transpired that he had insinuated that he was bisexual to other friends, but not me. They were adamant he had said so. This happened over three years to two different friends, so clearly its an ongoing feeling. Other things that made me question his sexuality is that early on when we met he introduced one of his gay friends as his lover, and became very awkward when I asked him further what he meant, he later told me that there was something going on, but later dumped this guy for his girlfriend. Furthermore, for a long time he DJed at a gay club, and told me he enjoyed going to gay clubs because he liked the attention he got. Over the years, we've become closer and closer friends as we've grown older. I find especially when he is drunk he becomes incredibly tactile, flirtatious and he sends jokey texts that are of a very affection nature like : 'alright babes', 'darling' and ending with 'x's'. I wouldn't read into these so much but these aren't ongoing jokes between us he just kind of insists on making these quite campy/affected texts, as far as I know only with me. I do really like him, so I figured if it really bothered me that he was being wishy-washy, that I should hang out with other friends/push him away, until the lines were more clear. Take into account he's very seductive and good looking. So I did that for a while and bumped into him at a party, and he was extra touchy feeley, and i responded to which there was a lot of hugging and even pecks on the cheek going on. I think to any outsider we would have looked like a gay couple. What should I do, I felt before that he was playing flirting games with me (but perhaps he never had any intention of taking it further). Now I'm not so sure. It takes a further twist in that he has a really nice girlfriend and as long as I've known him he's had different girlfriends. It's dangerous for me because I'm not open about my bisexuality, and if I made advances/test the water he could potentially out me to everyone properly, or reject me and make an issue of it. So I really don't know what to do.
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female
reader, A Cappella  +, writes (8 August 2008):
 I never said he was malicious. I don't think he's doing any of this on purpose. I think he acts without thinking, and I think that you will be hurt because of it. That's what I meant by "dangerous." I'm glad you're distancing yourself. Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionA Capella, thing is, he's not a malicious person, he spread this around, now approaching three years ago. Without making excuses for him, I feel he's changed a bit since then and grown up. Maybe he didn't think it that important then to keep confidential. Pretty much in the same way our mutual friends who told me about him (again not malicious) didn't think it a big deal to tell me. I'm sure his girlfriends would get hurt, if they realised. For the most part, they are either to oblivious or he's just working on such a subtle level that they don't catch on. Thats if he's even aware he's doing it. I think distancing myself is the best thing, but I do want to maintain some modicum of a friendship, because if he realised I'm phasing him out, he will be very hurt and maybe the friendship won't recover. He'sa very complicated person. i discovered with him is a lot of his malcious actions (cheating on girlfriends, bitching, gossiping and sometimes cutting people out) is ussually done out of love to protect his pride. Either way, I think the distance is set up now and all I need to do is move on.
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A
female
reader, A Cappella +, writes (8 August 2008):
This guy sounds dangerous and immature. I don't think he will ever have your best interests at heart, or he wouldn't have told people what you told him in confidence.
Turn it around: if you told people that HE was bisexual (based on his actions) wouldn't he get angry? He has no right to do something to you that he'd hate if it happened to him.
He doesn't seem to know what he wants, and he doesn't seem to care if that hurts someone else. You told him you were bisexual and now he flirts shamelessly, but doesn't take it seriously. I'm sure his girlfriends get hurt too.
Hon, I think you need to protect your heart and go elsewhere. Distance yourself from this guy until he grows up. Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, you are right. Thank you. I'm meeting him on Sunday, whether or not him hugging/touching/flirting with me is meant in jest or actually suggests something more on his side. There is no way I can verify it or go further than what he initiates. I will continue to play a long and see where it takes me, without being the active partner. And here's the big 'If'. If I can feel he is going for the kill in an obvious way, I will sit him down and talk to him and explain my issues, and won't take it further because he has a girlfriend, lack of trust, and confusion. If he is as great and morally strong as I think he can be. This will make me respect me more and probably want me more. We can then work through our friendship accordingly.
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