A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've become a little bit concerned about my husband in the past few weeks [well, 3 actually].He's spending a lot of time at the gym and online, and in his room are hundreds of magazines with pictures of shirtless men! Also included was a DVD which concerned me a lot - there were several in this series, and the content looked questionable, [mod adds as it seemed to show 'straight' gay men], despite being billed as an "erotic DVD".When he came in from work earlier this week, I confronted him over it, and he said that he wasn't gay/bisexual, it's just an incentive to stop him becoming obese! As for the DVDs, he explained they were the only way he could get an erection, and he wasn't attracted to other men, what his body does and what he thinks are separate.He said he wasn't gay, gets sick thinking about it, but the DVDs were for him, only a means to an end.He told me he's not jealous of me looking at other men (and he never is anyway) and the reason why is that he thinks it gives him an incentive to prevent being out of shape.He explained to me that the DVDs were the only way he could get an erection and showed me semen-stained undies of his - yeuch!Yet despite this, I do love him and he is a kind, caring man, who's looked after my mum when she was poorly, bought me lovely presents [and not ones you can just wrap up as a gift] and we've had many good times together.However, our sex life is slim-to-none, and no matter how often we discuss it, he claims the erection problems are "just the way he's built" but I want our sex life to be better as our life's good in most other ways.any help is appreciated.
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female
reader, kate28  +, writes (13 November 2011):
I'm so sorry you're in this situation :( I would have to agree with the other posters, it sounds like he is attracted to men. A close gay friend of mine told me that before he came out he used to just think that he admired mens' bodies because he wanted to look like that. Maybe your husband is not telling you the truth, but maybe he isn't accepting his own feelings for what they are yet.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 November 2011):
 It doesn't sound good for the longevity of your marriage and sex life, sorry. I have some links for you to read and perhaps the people there can help you understand your husband a bit better.
But a guy who needs images of men to achieve erection plus the non-existent sex life seems problematic and kind of points to an obvious conclusion.
I guess there might be a chance he's body building and is using anabolic steroids which lead to problems with libido but need the DVDs to reach erection, um, that's not a great sign.
Here are the links: www.voy.com/86426/ and http://www.straightspouse.org/home.php
I think counseling would be an obvious next step. Good luck, I hope you figure out the problem.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (13 November 2011):
 I'm sorry to say your husband does very much sound gay but is horribly in denial about it. Anyone who feels sick just thinking about gay people is not someone in a good state to accept his own sexuality. He can't get an erection without seeing other men, it seems pretty clear where his orientation lies. I'm sorry you're dealing with this/having to go through this. He should go talk to a therapist about his problems with coming to terms with this.
He obviously does really care about you, but I don't see how you can be married to someone who will never be able to be sexual with you.
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