A
female
age
51-59,
*og
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years. Living together for 4. We have had some tough times but seem to have come through them. The problems we have are nothing new, it's mostly communication but he constantly reminds me when I've done something wrong, what I've done in the past and brings up all the things I've done that hurt him. It's almost like a list that never gets forgotten about. He never apologises if he hurts me and says that the reason for this, is that mostly an argument is my fault or caused by me. When he doesn't want to talk it through, he retreats into his office at home and slams the door in my face. It slams in my heart too. I'm starting to build up so much resentment and have told him on quite a few occassions that if I'm such a let down, then why is he still with me. I begining to wonder if he really cares about me and my heart. I'm losing so much confidence and am constantly in tears. He said he wanted to see a councellor, but now refuses, saying it's pointless. I don't know what to do or what to think of this behaviour.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2009): Hi. I read the updates and since you're the saint and he still doesn't treat you with respect you should do what his father did and find happiness with someone else. Six years is not a good reason to stay with this abusive man who will not listen. He appears to be damaged psychologically. An unreasoning perfectionist punctuating in you the lack thereof will only be happy when he's dead.
KEEP A STIFF UPPER LIP
A
female
reader, mog +, writes (10 August 2009):
mog is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHis Mum had a 4 year affair with another man when he was 16 years old. She was living a double life. His father has now re married and is happy. His Mum is now on relationship number 7! Whilst I understand that something as major as that has obviously had an enormous impact on him, his deep seated mistrust of women now isn't going by unnoticed. I have tried to talk this through with him, but the door gets slammed! And the joint gets lit! I have been patient about it, but I also think, well it wasn't me that hurt you and I'm not going to. I've reassured him many times about my commitment.
I know this would all come out with a counselor. His father and I had a talk a while back and he was so helpful. He knows what X is like and wasn't suprised by any of my concerns about his behaviour. He said that X seems to want perfection and needs to understand that I'm human. I've never had an affair, nothing like that to make him this angry inside. His natural disposition is of waryness and suspicion of people, whereas mine isn't. I'm always telling him to look at things differently, in a more positive light.
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A
female
reader, mog +, writes (10 August 2009):
mog is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think he wants me to be perfect. Anytime i make a mistake or do something that is in my world, a pretty low level trip up, he treats me as though I've slept with the football team. He doesn't like to talk things through and will happily leave me in tears and not contact me all day. He's a sulker. He makes sweeping generalisations about my behaviour and when i try to defend myself by talking, that's when he's off to the office to shut me out and smoke a joint! He's been smoking weed now for 15 years. I went into his office yesterday whilst a friend was round to use the printer and when he got home from work he accused me of snooping through his stuff. Then said it was the final straw. Then told me he'd had more positive thoughts on marriage that afternoon but since I had snooped through his office, I'd cancelled those feelings he had. I'm so sad and tired. Haven't slept a wink!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2009): What is precipitating these arguments that never resolve themselves but which dredge the past into the present?
He sounds immature or he's trying to control your behavior.
What does he say to you when you ask him why you're still together?
I could swear he's trying to distance himself from you. If he's retreating into his office maybe you're nagging him about stuff he knows he has to do. If he says going to a counselor is pointless maybe he's decided the relationship is essentially over, he just hasn't told you yet.
Perhaps you should stop pushing his buttons. Leave him alone. Don't mind him. See what happens when you ignore him and let him be.
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