A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear friends,im desperately in need of advice and i would be so very grateful if you could help me..I'm divorced from my first husband seven years ago with three lovely children..According to our customary law in my country,my ex-husband is entitled to have custody over our children.Therefore,he and his family do not allow me to see them..Although they missed me at first,i dont know if they do now.Before,I didn't want to mess up their lives by interfering as i cannot give them my love.I dont want my EX back as he right away got married with his cousin's daughter who used to stay with us. So i let them go on with their lives. Our eldest son is now 17 years old and he is staying at a different place away from home in a boarding school..one of my friend's son is also staying there,and I can contact my son.Problem is,the family don't want me to contact him and im afraid he wont want me..Besides, i dont want to interfere with his life and his studies as i want the best for him..I missed him so much but I think i have to let him go if i love him..What do you think i should do??
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female
reader, Abella  +, writes (17 July 2012):
 You are demonstrating the wisdom of Solomon and the love as a mother.
You want your son to do well at school. That represents the sentiments of any mother who truly loves her children.
You care about your children and you miss them deeply. That you have been so cruelly denied access to your children is indeed cruel.
Though never pity the next wife (who your husband chose) as no doubt he will show his nasty side to her too, eventually.
What I can suggest is that you buy your self a large blank Journal book. You do not need to write into it every day. It is not a Diary of everything you do.
What it is is a Journal where you write down anything that you would want to tell your children if you were still with them. And even tell them nice things that they have a right to know.
The next part is tough. But I am going to suggest you take the High Road on this: Do not say one critical thing in the Journal about your Ex. Nothing Negative at all. Your children love both their mother and their father.
They will see soon enough what a cold callous ruthless uncaring man is their father - and they will make their own decision on that.
When the children are adults you can present them with the journal.
Date every entry. Address the children by name as if you are talking to that particular child at the time in the journal.
Add in a picture or a drawing occasionally.
Tell them "Happy Birthday" on their birthdays in the Journal.
Remember special days and how you celebrated the day and how you thought of them.
If there is wisdom you would like to say write it in the Journal.
If it is school vacation tell them something you would love to do with them at the age they are at the time you write in the journal.
Tell them about your childhood, your schooling, your wedding. IN the journal.
One day you will get the opportunity to present the journal to your children when they are adults.
They will then know that you cared about them deeply.
That you gave up so much because the Law in your land is cruel to mothers of children who break up with the father.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2012): You should definitely be able to see your children again, it is not fair at all that your country favours the man when the woman may be the better parent. You should contact your children directly and tell them you love them and you're sorry for not being able to see them.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2012): You should give your son the option to see you again but let him make the decision. You should move on since you're ex is married again. Why does he have custody of your children?ModNote: The OP already explained that the Law in the country of the OP decrees this. Some Countries award custody as a first priority to the father's family as that is the law, based on hundreds of years of Custom and Practice in that country. As opposed to the West where the mother get's custody nine times out of ten.
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