A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My long term bf cheated on me few yrs ago so I had a revenge affair. it only brought misery and guilt to me when I found out my ‘affair partner’ is a serial womanizer. I broke up the affair 8 months ago but I’m not able to let go. Also I want to tell his wife about the other flings he is carrying on with just to get even. This cycle of being cheated on and myself cheating and then again being cheated on has broken me from inside. I just keep a strong smiling front for my kids and family.What should I do?
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affair, broke up, cheated on me, revenge, womaniser Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 February 2020):
 I think you have already got very good advice ( but for the eye-roll inducing advice by the " swept up " mistress. ).
So I just want to add : be careful. What if the wife is a person just like you, - vindictive ?
I mean, you could warn her anonymously- and she won't believe you, she'll think you are some random trouble-making psycho.
Or, you could come clean with her, you tell her that you know for a fact that her husband is a cheater because he used to cheat on her with you, maybe you also give her proofs ( screenshots or pics or whatever ). Suppose she is as vindictive as you are, she'll get mad not just at her husband , but also, or mainly, at you, and will want to retaliate and cause damage. Which she can do, ratting YOU out , on turn, to your bf.
Who, in theory, should say " that's fine ; I started first " but in practice,chances are he won't be such a good sport...
As you can see, what you want to do is not advisable not only on moral grounds, but also just because it can bring a lot of complications into your life..
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2020): Vindictiveness often backfires. Charting revenge on others sometimes will boomerang right back; because it's better to just let them go, and move on. It's not easy doing that when you're hurt; and your anger convinces you that you owe them payback. I guess I don't have to preach to the choir; in this case, you've learned that valuable lesson.
I do recommend that you do everything possible to let-go of the past. After you breakup, you feel detached and like you're falling. I hate that feeling, it's scary as hell! The fear is usually because you don't want to face being alone, and you want a safety-net. You keep leaving an opening for him to bother you, or you'll bother him. The purpose is to stay actively on his mind. Just in case you might have to run-back to him when things get too desperate.
Don't give-in to this kind of mindset; that's what makes abused-women go back to toxic or violent-relationships. That's how some women begin a cycle of on-again/off-gain relationships. They become emotionally-enslaved, and form poisonous-addictions to men who destroy them emotionally and psychologically. They mistake this for love. You'll become so damaged and insecure, you'll lose all ability to trust, and you'll sabotage future relationships to get a predictable-ending. That comes from a lack of faith that love is real; and you don't think you deserve it if it is. You think you'll just pick the wrong person, or you'll just mess it up again. You picked a married-man, because you knew he wasn't yours to keep; and you knew it would fail. Then you don't have to bear all the blame for why it didn't work.
You haven't forgiven yourself for your past mistakes. You repeat your self-destructive pattern; because you temporarily numb yourself by diving into an affair that gives you drama, passion, and excitement. You wake-up, and you realize you've gone from bad to worse.
When we've been deeply hurt, we do things out of character. You have to stop having committed-relationships for just awhile, and date casually. Give yourself a chance to sort-out your feelings and reboot. You can also get addicted to drama. Looking for passion, you'll startup a emotional-connection with someone who'll surely treat you badly; because you can't stop punishing yourself. Pain doesn't heal pain, sweetheart. You do deserve real-love, and you can't give-up feeling you'll never find it.
Stop telling yourself that you're broken. You're really hurt inside. You've lost hope; so you'll just go and deliberately smash your heart up against a wall. You should never put yourself down; because you'll start believing it. Hence, you'll do even more harm to yourself emotionally. You're severely heart-broken, and it might take a little counseling and therapy to deal with the PTSD you've incurred. You may also have some mild sexual-addiction. Stop saying negative things about yourself! Remember everyone makes mistakes, we sometimes choose the wrong person; and sometimes we surrender far too much of ourselves into a relationship, to the point that we lose our own identity. No man should have you emotionally at his mercy. You shouldn't gamble with another person's feelings and trust. You reap what you sow!
Take some time to reacquaint yourself with your independence. Stop with the self-pity, and set yourself on a new journey to finding wholeness. You depend too much on men emotionally; and you've lost track of your self-awareness. You feel you aren't anybody unless you're half of a relationship. Please stop calling yourself broken, recognize heartbreak for what it is. Then you can end the cycle of cheating and being cheated on.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (21 February 2020):
 I agree with you OP, it hurts to get cheated on. Our self esteem takes a blow and we start questioning ourselves wondering what did we did/not do that made our partner cheat. It sucks.
Unfortunately though you made some bad choices after this happened to you. You decided to cheat on your mate, you chose a married man to cheat with. What did you expect? If he's married and cheating with you, why would you assume you were the only one he was screwing around with? And now you're hurt. What did you expect to have happen? It didn't make you feel good at all in the end, did it?
Revenge is like a poison. Its insidious how it spreads through your body until it can eventually take control over rational thoughts and actions. Its not a good way of life. You must realize that. As they say, the best "revenge" is to to let go, move on and lead a happy life and eventually you won't care because you'll be happy.
Don't carry around such terrible energy sucking thoughts and feelings. The married man is a jerk. He cares only for himself. Why tell his wife? What did she did to you? Don't you think she suffers enough? Why add to her pain? Feel sorry for her if anything. She's married to the lying cheating jerk.
If you are still with your partner, ask yourself what do you want from the relationship. Do you want to be with him? Do you love him? Can you ever trust him again? If the answer to these questions is no, then break up. Move on. Demand more for yourself. Don't wallow in self pity and carry around negative energy!
And just for the record, I disagree entirely with anonymous female who says "people get swept up in affairs". Bullshit! People chose to cheat..it doesn't just "happen". You can always walk away but people don't because they don't want to.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (21 February 2020):
 I don't honestly believe in blissfully unaware. But in this case I agree with all of the rest of the advice you have been given. (except that bit about being swept away)
This is something you are going to have to face alone. No more revenge until you have sorted out how you thought your actions would help. Preferably with the help of a therapist or at least a confessor.
You need a better path to happiness. Revenge is not a path to happiness.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (21 February 2020):
 I'm wondering what you hope to achieve by telling the cheater's wife? You deliberately cheated on your partner because he was cheating on you and you chose to cheat with a cheater.
The guy's wife has nothing to do with this cycle you believe you are stuck in and telling her about her partner is not going to earn you any brownie points, she certainly isn't going to reward you for being a part of wrecking her, and her children's lives.
Leave her alone and concentrate on your own life, and that of your children. If you are still involved with the original cheater and want that relationship to work then get some couples counselling happening. If you are raising your children as a solo parent then get your act together and start presenting them with a mother they can be proud of, have you never heard the term "monkey see monkey do?"
You are setting your kids up for a lifetime of miserable failing relationships due to your poor example (and that of their father).
Do THEY deserve that? I very much doubt it. So leave that other innocent woman either aware of her husbands extramarital affairs or blissfully ignorant. It is not your place to tell her anything.
Jeez, revenge is not all its cracked up to be, the best revenge is for you to move forward and be the best person you can, and THAT would be revenge on your ex (hopefully) cheating partner and the cheater you cheated with.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2020): I understand how you feel, OP. Only the OTHER WOMAN knows what it feels like and why there is such a strong need to retaliate. Yes, you entered into an affair but the reasons people do it vary and are so complex. Nobody chooses to be in an affair. It just sweeps us away because we are vulnerable in some way. You fell for the guy. And you assumed he didn't cheat with other women. Not all married cheaters have lovers in every town. He blindsided you. I'm sure he fed you a lot of bullshit to keep you involved with him. He's a skilled manipulator. Of course you want to punish him for HURTING you and all the women he comes in contact with. The guy is a scumbag.
There is nothing wrong with telling his wife. She needs to know. I'm sure she would not want to waste her life with this man who is cruel and disrespectful. And let's not get into the diseases he can give her. She needs to know just to protect her own health. Clearly he doesn't give a fuck about anyone except himself.
You got into the affair and assumed certain risks being with a cheater, although not all are serial womanizers. However, let's be clear that he, too, assumes all risks with every woman he fucks. He had to know that there is nothing more formidable than a woman scorned. So, he is the one who ultimately hurt his wife. Not you or any other woman. Therefore, I think your feelings are valid because you thought there was nobody else in the picture except his wife. Likely because of his bullshit lies. He made his own bed. And I think you would be doing his wife a huge favour by letting her know just what kind of a POS she is married to. But I caution you to back everything with proof or he will say you're lying, out of your mind, he has no idea who this crazy woman is etc. Married narcissists are experts in deception. And turning the blame on you. So just be prepared.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 February 2020):
 Because hurting his wife will make YOU feel better?
Or did you not think that far?
Someone living in a glass house perhaps shouldn't be throwing rocks?
You were obviously FINE with having an affair with a married man, you didn't ASK her permission to fuck around with her husband but now that you found he is a PIECE of shit, she NEEDS to know? So you can punish HIM?
Lady, resentment is like swallowing poison and expecting the other person to die.
That is you. That bitter woman. YOU made the CHOICE to cheat, you made the choice to cheat with a married man - take some responsibility and move on. Make BETTER choices in the future.
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