A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I feel like I am seriously screwed up right now. My past relationship has hurt me so much that it is having a negative effect on the one I have now. My boyfriend and I had our first arguement last night because I wouldn't tell him what was wrong. (I was upset over something he had done) I stayed silent because even though he had given me the opportunity to say something I couldn't. I didn't know how to say it and I didn't want to be like my mom my screaming at him. We both apologized but I'm still worried. He says that I'm never the one to start anything. He is always the first to kiss me and he thinks that I don't put anything into the relationship without him having to ask. I don't know how. This is the first real relationship Ive been in where the guy didnt make me feel like crap for doing something and treating me like dirt. I can't control my emotions and I don't know how to express my anger. I've always learned to just bottle it up until the point where I can't take anymore and I have a huge breakdown. I need some help as to what I should do. Any suggestions? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2008): Hi there,You're guarding your feelings due to your past, therefore you don't open up to him and don't bring more to the relationship.This sounds like what I would do with my ex. I don't like confrontation, and he liked to imagine that life was good, even though it wasn't. The relationship I'm in now, my fiance wants to know when something's wrong, but lets me tell him in my own time, this doesn't mean 'days' later. If your boyfriend wants to know what's wrong, ask him to give you a few minutes to figure out how to say it. If you just blurt it out, you will sound like you're accusing him of something and he may get defensive, which may lead to screaming at each other. My fiance is very intuitive and knows when something is bothering me. He will ask me about it, then gives me a few minutes to think about how to say what I need to say. I'm not good with arguing, say things wrong, so I want to make sure I start out saying what is bothering me, but he's pretty understanding, and it seldom leads to any sort 'argument'. I am not sure how your boyfriend is, but if he knows when something's wrong and asks, it's better to have him give you a few minutes to think about how you're going to say something than to keep it bottled up and 'work it out on your own'. Or tell him you need to talk and hope you say it right because you're not good at explaining things. This is from my own personal experience, and all men are different, but if you have one that's willing to listen instead of letting you keep things bottled up, it's better to talk about it, trust me, you will feel better having done so.And I completely understand not being able to control emotions, you just have to learn to let go of the past, I'm not one to tell you how to do that, other than professional help. Although I didn't seek help, my fiance has been great at helping my self-esteem and being more open about things. Hope this helps :)
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