A
female
age
41-50,
*verythingsucks
writes:This is a long one, but please hang with me.I have been married for almost 10 years. The last five have been horrible. We separated, but lived in the same house for financial reasons. About four years ago, I ended up meeting this really great guy who had a lot in common with me. We started spending a lot of time together, even though he knew I was technically still married, and we were going to be "friends with benefits" to start. I fell in love with him pretty quickly, but he didn't feel the same way at first and looked for other girls for the first year and a half at least.After two years together, I left my husband and moved in with the new guy. I stayed there for eight months before moving out and back in with my ex. It wasn't an issue of rekindling the marriage--it was an issue of comfort. The new guy was constantly chatting with other women (via instant messenger) and wanting to have threesomes (with other women and men). He didn't help with housework or cooking very often, and spent all of his time on the internet and playing video games. I felt like I was being ignored. I tried to talk about the issues several times and he didn't want to talk about it. Once I moved back in with my ex, the relationship with the new guy continued and I thought everything was fine. My plan was to move back in with him, but I wasn't able to save the money to do it (I was losing money living with him previously). That was a year ago. Finally, two weeks ago, after not being able to reach him, I went to his place (I still have keys since I used to live there) and his place was spotless and some things were rearranged. It was very odd. I immediately thought he was cheating on me because he has previously sought out women "as friends" behind my back, but admitted it when I confronted him. I confronted him the next day and he said he wasn't. I came over to talk with him the day after that and he again denied cheating and said he didn't know why he cleaned and rearranged things. We talked twice after that with lots of tears and he finally said he needed time to think. He said that my getting my own place would probably fix all of our issues. He said that he hopes there's a future for us, but he needs to work through things. I called him twice after that (at work because he won't take my calls at home) and he said we'll talk when we talk because he needs time to think. I will be signing a lease on a new apartment this week, but when I e-mailed him to tell me, he said that I need to know that he has a lot to think about and work through, so I should be getting the place for myself and not him. What does that mean? Why does he want this break? Is there hope for this or should I just cut my losses and move on? I'm so confused about everything and I miss him terribly. He's been my entire life for almost four years. I feel lonely and I just don't know what to do. Help.
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female
reader, everythingsucks +, writes (26 August 2008):
everythingsucks is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the response. It's a non-issue now anyway. He dumped me tonight. Guess I didn't need to ask in the first place.
A
female
reader, Mixedup mind +, writes (25 August 2008):
I really feel for you, but I'm going to say cut your losses. He is right in telling you that you should get the apartment because it's what you want, not for him. That, him not taking your calls when he's home and him needing time to think, are all signs that you should walk away from this. If you've been with him for four years and things have only gotten worse, I don't think they will get better. There are more men out there, he doesn't seem to be the right one.
You should love and respect yourself, don't let him run your life when it clearly sounds like he's still looking.
If you decide to get the apartment, don't expect him to come beating down your door, he was making excuses as to why things weren't going good for the two of you.
My suggestion would be to get the apartment and divorce your husband. Give yourself time, hang out with friends or family, gain an identity for yourself, and keep it, or you will always end up with a man with whom you live in his shadow.
I would still suggest getting a divorce if you decide to stay where you are or find a room mate to move into an apartment with you, before signing a contract, if you don't want to be by yourself.
You are going to feel lonely whether you're with this guy or not, he's going to keep you on edge and, if he's been talking with other women behind your back, whether he admits it or not, says he's not as into the relationship as you are.
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