A
female
age
41-50,
*live
writes:Howdy,This is bound to be kind of long sorry but rounds to a question in the end..I am 27, semi hot down to earth mother.Recently I have been wondering about my sexual identity. I have been married for 1 year but together for 10 years with my husband. We have a baby girl who is under one.Increasing I feel resentful for the turn my life has taken from my choices, like marriage...I look around now and I know I should feel grateful for everything he provides financially...but that's really where it ends. Even that is not as it seams as I had a call from our accountant who is worried about our future and secret loans....unbeknown to be because he insists on controlling everything. I live in a big house, nice car, nice lawn, and nice debt.I feel frustrated and stuck. I have no independent income after having our child. I can't even find childcare, he never helps and claims he works too hard and secretly has spent us into a hole anyway. A hole I am legally entrenched in by default.I am based at home most days as we moved interstate for his work prospects and family, I don't know many people here which makes me feel isolated and there is only so much time you can spend with in laws who adore him...he is prince of the family on both sides.Over time I can only see the things I hate about him, they way he makes me feel about myself, how he controls everything but denies it, how he has managed our family money, I can't stand for him to touch me now and I cringe unless wasted on alcohol or other substances. Things are only good for a while after an explosive fight or if things are good for him with money.We used to party a bit before we have our daughter. Since I been feeling this way, I look for excuses to get wasted if our daughter is being babysat so I can be out of my own mind, these benders are becoming closer together...I'm bored and uncomfortable with my life. Sometimes I indulge in very dangerous things. We have had some threesomes in the past and more and more I think about females. We both initiate them but for different reasons, of course he wants to sleep with another women but I hide that I prefer it over him. But is that only him or every man...? He told me I could get a girlfriend...but that’s crazy and it's only suggested from fault of his own neglect...so she could feel a void he created.I have no idea how he can not work on our marriage even though I prompt him regularly, it seams it falling apart and only I can see.I do love him but not who he is today but who he was; money has made him so egotistical, nasty and lazy. He does not take responsibility or admit anything, I try to lead by example but he takes advantage by saying things like "yes, you should be sorry" No incentive there..I have had increasing thoughts about my sexuality and weather I am gay but I am confused.Are these feelings coming from...A. An empty marriage..B. My own non existent relationship with own mother...C. Living a fake charmed life D. My own frustration...E. Or do you thing I could really be gay.Your thoughts will help...trust me.
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debt, get a girlfriend, money, moved in, threesome Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2008): Hi. First of all, stop abusing your body and mind with alcohol or any other substance. You need to keep yourself with a clear mind. Second of all, find a day care or babysitter and get to work. Working any kind of job will make you feel better about yourself. It will also provide you with independence, financially and emotionally. Open your own bank account in your name only. You may need it if the marrage falls apart, which sounds like it may be. As far as you being gay,well, I can't say. I do believe that all woman have thought about other woman sexually without being gay. You sound like you just need to be loved, and the woman are possibly showing you more affection than your husband is right now. Stop worrying about if your gay for now. Concentrate on getting you together. Keep your mind clear and make a plan to take charge of your life. It may not hurt to confide in a family member or friend. Sister, Brother? They will help.
Good luck!
A
female
reader, alive +, writes (28 November 2007):
alive is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPhil,No joint accounts..I get an allowance and I have to pay most of that to house bills anyway, I've started working on the side during day and hiding that cash...and he controlls all the business crap, problem is he is responsible for paying his own tax...but doesn't or didn't totally unorganised. I wonder if my names aren't in then maybe I'm not as liable. Personally I have no debt and accountant says Im in a good position, We have two investment properties which have equity in them but are in his name even though we both paid them when I was working...bad move on my part but I trusted him becuase he was my partner. He rang first to say the account was positive about situation and we would be clear in a year, the acocunt then rang, told all the details which husband downplayed, accountant told me he worked hard to make it possible and we were luckly and gave warning. Accountant told me to take control off all the money becuase husband is neglectful and could get into trouble, problem is he gets angry if I ask and say I don't get it, or everything is under control, or I too dumb (hes the one in trouble, go figure)...hence why I am starting to hate him. Accountant is intervening and is going to insist him to let go and he will hold my hand to get things on track....lets hope husband doesn't have any more supprises when I open that can up. I want the best for our daugther and we have the income to provide a good future...not for him to be dumb.I think I have to redirect my attention and make some money myself, contro my own destiny for my daugther to live my example.Counselling maybe if he can bother....No wonder I feel like I'm gay, becuase I am so drained from this marriage after one year, I look for any other opion.Thanks for your helpEven with this issue,
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A
male
reader, Richard_EMids  +, writes (28 November 2007):
 Hi there. You are possibly focussing on the 'gay' issue as a way to escape reality. If the accountant is worried about the family finances it's time to wake up! Take some responsibilty yourself, check out your legal position in your country. Find out how you get access to the full finance situation and how you stop further loans in your name. Then stand your ground with your husband, and deal with the financial reality. Only then can you start to feel in control again.
That should be your priority right now. Deal with the 'gay' question later.
Take care
Richard
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2007): I'm only going to comment on the financial aspects.
You say you're jointly responsible for the debt he's getting you into. From this, I assume that you have a joint bank account? If this is the case, there shouldn't be anything to stop you from going to the bank and insisting that any withdrawals are subject to both your signatures. You could also request an additional monthly bank statement, addressed to you, for your own use. Talk to the bank manager and explain to him why you want all this done - he may have other suggestions which could be useful.
You also say that you should be grateful for everything he provides financially. I have to ask, is it really him doing the providing - or is it the bank, by way of loans and overdrafts etc? If these loans were secretly set up by him I can't see how you are jointly responsible for the debts if you knew nothing about them in the first place.
I think if I were you I'd go and see your accountant and find out exactly what your legal financial position is. You'll then be able to sit your husband down and if there's a solid case for doing so, take him to task about excess debts. He may be blindly soldiering on hoping things will get better - or he could be acting like the proverbial ostrich and burying his head in the sand.
Phil
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A
female
reader, BadAsh6705  +, writes (28 November 2007):
 I don't think you are gay just because you are stimulated by other women, this is the only other type of sexual attention you have had since your marriage. You are angry at this man, which makes you resent men altogether right now. You need to stand up for yourself and tell your husband how you feel...powerless, like you are not equal in the decisions of your family and home and you want to be. If he doesn't like it, then maybe you should consider conseling to help him see how he is treating your relationship. It sounds like even in his family he is treated spoiled and maybe he is used to that, but it's not fair to you for him to not include you in financial matters and getting you into debt. You need to speak your opinion now!!
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