A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I love my boyfriend. We've been together for well over a year now but the problem is I've been feeling sad, bored and disconnected from him. We've only had sex 3 times since december 07. I've tried talking to him but it's as if he's not really there. I feel as if something has gone missing and for the last three months I've slowly begun to feel less sexually attracted to him, which definitely does not help. He seems so distant. I miss him so much and yet he is right there- there's an emptiness. I don't know what is going on anymore- all I know is that we argue often but that he says he still loves me and I can't picture life without him. But a few weeks back I cheated on him at a club and it's not in my nature to do that! I've never done that. The most sickening thing is, I don't really feel that guilty. If anything I've been feeling really lonely and confused. What does this all mean? What is going on? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (20 May 2008):
 I have to say that the advice you have already been given by Aunt Audrey is so true.
Seems to me that you are currently going through the motions of a relationship and not addressing what is going on. So sex is off the menu - why is the question?
Is your bf worried about anything i.e. money or his job or a family member or does he have any health issues for either himself or his family. These are things that can affect how someone reacts and also can decrease sexual desire. If he is feeling distant and withdrawn then there is obviously something bothering him, do you think he could be depressed at all as this can totally affect your sexual desires?
Could he have cheated on you and that is why there is no sex at the moment as he is living with guilt?
I am just asking these questions as it seems to me like the rows are merely the symptons and the actual cause of the rows is not being addressed at all.
I went through quite a bit of counselling during the time when my partner and I were trying to repair the problems in our relationship, he didn't really want to go to counselling but I have to say that Relate in the first instance then individual counselling and couple counselling helped both of us to see that what we say to someone we love is not always what we want to hear. We never stop and listen to what they are saying as most of the time the other person talks over the first person and neither one actually closes their mouths and opens their ears.
The best way to do that between yourselves is give each other some time i.e. 5 or 10 mins and the other person does not speak at all, however much they are tempted. Then the other person says how they feel and perhaps then you get to the root of the problem.
Make it a comfortable environment, light music on in the background and tranquil, not a noisy pub or say in a car where you cannot get anyone from each other. Maybe a walk in the park or somewhere where you can sit down and just chat, go for a picnic on a nice sunny day or something and actually spend some time with one another.
Trying to guess what is going on is never a good idea.
Yes you have cheated and it is up to you whether you decide to tell him or not, is there any way he could find out at all, i.e. will this guy ever tell him or any of his mates?
Either try to repair this relationship if you care for him as much as you say you do or walk away as constant cheating is just not fair on him so either talk or walk OK.
Keep us updated eh!
BFN
Country Woman
A
female
reader, Aunt Audrey +, writes (20 May 2008):
 It sounds as though you are falling out of love with him, slowly but surely. I'm not saying that you don't love him but when you say you cannot imagine life without him I think that you're maybe trying to hold onto something that is no longer there. That's not to say you cannot repair your relationship, but you need to do it together.
Communication is the key here, have you asked him why he is so distant, why he doesn't seem interested in sex anymore, or do you both air your grievances in mid row. Is it just day to day things you row about or relationship issues? I ask this because sometimes couples don't talk about any problems they have in a calm controlled way but skirt around the edges of issues during a row, and we all know that when we're angry, although we say things that are true we also defend ourselves by saying things that are not, attack being the best form of defence.
I think you need a heart to heart, tell him how he's making you feel and listen to him when he tells you how he is feeling. There maybe something that is bothering him that he feels he can't tell you for fear of hurting you.
It maybe that the spark has gone out of your relationship and if you both decide you want to stay together you can maybe both change certain things, make an extra effort to get back on track and fall in love with each other all over again.
Don't ignore this problem and go on in the same way, cheating will certainly not help the situation, and at some point he will find out, you may not have a relationship to save then.
Good luck.
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