A
female
age
41-50,
*opo
writes:I have been dating my boyfriend for 18 months and now it is really difficult to carry on with the relationship. When we met he just resigned from his previous job in order to finish his masters degree. I was hoping things would work out sooner for him. I dated him for 6 months when he didnt have a job and on the 7th month he found a job as a lecturer at University. He has been ambitious and made plans to start a manufacturing business so the whole of last year he has been trying to sort things out. It turned out the business partners were taking him for a ride, nothing has happened yet.The money he gets is very little. He is always broke so I am the one who pays for most things. I have a car and recently bought a house and he earns very little. I try not to pay for him but it is always difficult to eat while someone is watching or to not do something. I want to live a full life.Now I am feeling bitter and I do not want to support a man at all. I do not have a plan yet but I have lost interest in sex and my love for him is going down slowly.Things seem to be not going too well for him so I feel guilty when I do not help out. We discussed marriage and our future. He is a proud man and can be restrictive at times. He also mentions he doesn't like asking me for money and my status is too high. he envies me at times. but I am a low budget personmy family doesn't approve of this relationship and they tell me this guy is just using me because he sees I can pay for his way. I understand my family's point of view. Nd right now I feel it is too much for me to handle.i realise it is wrong to be paying for a man's wayEven though I am pissed off I keep thinking one day he will be well off and we would have broken up. I feel pity for him as I know how it feels to struggle. I too am from where he is but I didn't have anyone helping me. I have been forcing him to apply jobs and I even help him out with the job applications but he is still unlucky. He has been asking me for patience but nothing seems to improve. he doesn't ask money from his family because he doesn't want to bother them, but what about me?? im his girlfriend and I feel it should be the other way round...I should be the one calling him because he doesnt have access to phones at work. he doesnt buy airtime for his cellphone eitherwe didnt spend time in December because he was too damn broke. I drove him home and backcan someone please advise me what to do with this situation. I feel like I dragged myself in this budden and its difficult to opt out..
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ambition, at work, money, university Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2009): You know your situation best and I think what ever you decide to do is for the best as you would grow in your resentment.....perhaps it will be a wake up call to him to not expect a girlfriend to support him without the commitment of marriage....it isn't right, but you offered to help so give him a deadline to get out and get on his feet.
A
female
reader, popo +, writes (8 January 2009):
popo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi people
i am actually at a stage where i cant take this anymore. Dating in hope for 18 months and still nothing happens is really hard. I do not understand why must i support him this long. He has family but would rather rely on me than them.... I am tired of having a dependant all of a sudden. He expects me to help him out. I have become a mother and i am expected to give him transport money, food, etc. There is no guarantee he is going to marry me he just mentioned it. It was better if I was already married to him then I would know I am supporting a husband not a boyfriend.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2009): Keep optomistic! - Maybe he will get lucky and find a good job or come into money soon!
I too have just got into a relationship where my partner is out of work, has no money or job prospects and I am paying his way for him too, but I am still at the honeymoon stage.
I just wonder how long it will be before I get fed up of it aswell!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2009): I don't think it is "wrong" to help out and support a man. That said he needs to contribute something while he is working on turning his situation around. If you just bought a house, give him some projects to do around the house. If you had to hire it done it would have a cost associated with it. He will feel better about himself having helped you and you will feel like he isn't just using you.
If you agreed to help him financially while he was in school and he has just had some bad luck with business partners taking advantage of him, then it doesn't sound like he is purposely staging a sit in where he won't get a job. The economy is really bad right now in the US (duh) and having a master's degree in anything will net him a better job. Problem is for every 10K he wants to earn working for someone else, it will take about one month per 10k to land a job in good economic times and in bad he may not have any "luck". I think it is unreasonable of you to judge him negatively for this, unless he is just too good to take a lesser job.
Talk to him about working at anything, even an hourly paycheck would help out while he is looking to land his dream job. Be supportive, but expect him to pay you something for food or even for rent as soon as he gets that job....
If you don't want to have a relationship any longer with him, then explain so and give him a deadline of sorts to move out or make other living arrangements.
I don't think you have grounds to be angry at him for your feelings. Take ownership of your own feelings, but work on finding solutions with him, rather than be against him and letting him have it for how you feel right now.
I hope things improve for you. Your lack of interest in sex is part of the problem, you arent feeling love or respect for him, but ask yourself is this really fair. When you met him he was a student.....he has goals and surely he has shared those with you. Be a better partner to him and ask what you can do to make those goals a reality...try working as a team and see if you can turn things around for the better for the two of you as a couple.
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