A
female
age
41-50,
*onfused and confuser
writes:hello, sorry it might be really long but i will try to keep it short and to the point.firstly, i have a bf for 4years now and i do love him and treasure our r/s. secondly, i am bi-curious. i hav liked gals as much as guys, but never had a chance with a gal to confirm anything. also, im asian, and asian societies arent that open about homosexuality yet. im not ashamed, but i would rather not hurt my parents and that is more important to me.heres the story. i knew this gal at work, and got on really well with her. we had alot of common likes/dislikes, talked alot, but i wouldnt say 'best friends' yet, as best frns are more like ppl who know u for umpteen years while i knew her for like 1 year. at that point i told myself, i shouldnt think any further as im in a r/s. btw, she appears to be straight, nowhere did it say she was les/bi, but then again, nobody really asked her, not that i know of anyway. then i start to realise she tells me stuff that she doesnt tell other co-workers, stuff that make me suspect she cld be bi/les. she talks about her lesbian friends and sounds like she hangs out with them alot. she once told me she went to this lesbian club to accompany a friend. i know straight ppl can also do the same things i described, but once on a company outing, we saw a local celebrity on the streets and she said she saw the celeb at the lesbian club b4, but she like lowered her voice and talked to me specifically about this even though we werent the only ones who spotted the celeb. i hope u get what i meant. i felt like she chose to tell only me, out of the other co-workers about these things about her.after that, i started to get more curious, but undenabliy, i was growing interested in her as well. things that struck me most were: she watched brokeback mountain, she once said 'bisexuals get the best of both worlds' and has a number of lesbians in her friendster profile, has a shirt with a rainbow on it etc... i mean i know that straight ppl can do/say all this too. maybe my interest for her is clouding my mind; sensing things that arnt actually there. but i cant forget the period where we were really close and she told me alot of bi/lesbian talk.later on i left my job (for other reasons), and told myself since she admitted anything, i should just forget about her. why persue something that might sour both our frnship and r/s with my bf? we kept in contact, along with some ex co-workers (once in a while outing, IM-ing, thats about it). but i find it hard to forget about her. a part of me wishes i could just drop this whole issue, but then another part of me wishes that she was really bi/les and that she feels the same way i do about her, and that somehow we could be together, if not forever but at least try out or make known our feelings. well to summarise, i like this gal alot, i dont know how to move away from this; while i wished we could try, but i dont want to jeopardize what i have with my bf. i know im selfish, but if possible, i hope to keep my bf while i experiment with her. becos i hav never been with a gal before, i dont know if i will think/feel different when it really comes to being in a r/s with a gal. i dont want to throw away wat i have with my bf just bcos i wanted to test things out. i feel like i am an Ahole for using him as a safety net. but i also have no idea how to get rid of these thoughts. i can only blame my luck for meeting the gal at the wrong point in my life.i guess what im looking for now is ways to confirm if she is bi/les, and/or ways to encourage her to come out to me, without me doing it first, if she is really into me. i had bad experiances, b4 my bf, i had come out to only 2 gals. one 'ran away', the other was all mis-interpreted signs, but fair enough, she still remained my friend. so im really afraid of coming out to any gal at all now. dont forget im in an asian society.help!!sorry if i was really long winded, and thanks anyone who read this.. i really appreciate this..
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female
reader, confused and confuser +, writes (2 November 2007):
confused and confuser is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhello,
thanks for reading and all the replies!!
rcn and tommmy7,
yeah, i know its cheating. i feel like an Ahole, cos i dint want to be burnt at both sides. but if i decided i wanted her more than him, i will end it with him. my diliema now is i dont know if im really OK with a gal, or it was better off as a fantasy.
i like YellooFish's idea. i dint want to risk telling my bf about me, becos i once said gays were more icky (sorry! i dont mean to be homophobic, girly guys are icky for me, but i dont bash/hate them.) compared to lesbians, but he said that both were just as icky to him.
the thing is i dont even know if she is willing to accept me. if she is, i will do like YellooFish suggest and tell him i need time off to sort out myself.
YellooFish,
i mentioned about being asian becos generally, asians tend to be less open and less likely to accept alternate mindsets. she might be less likely to accept me liking her as more than friends, as compared to if we were from the west. well ultimately, im just afraid of rejection lol
currently, i dont meet her often, but we chat online pretty alot. i tried to distance myself from her after i left that job, as i dint want to be in this diliema and heartache. but when we meet up for a group gathering (x co-workers) once awhile, i feel the other heartache - being reminded of what i still feel for her.
recently, i have decided to get close to her again, hope that as we get closer, there's a higher chance that im closer to finding out if she can accept me ornot.
sigh, sorry, i guess i just needed to rant. i just still feel very strongly for her, but im afraid to come out to her. just hoping that there's a way to find out without her knowing about me first, if she is willing to accept me. i dont want to lose her or risk that she may tell others about me. i guess this situation happens all the time; doesnt matter if its gay or straight.
either that or find a way to just drop this from my heart easier, without all the heartache.
A
female
reader, YellooFish  +, writes (26 October 2007):
Talk to her about your feeling if she feels the same way take her to dinners and stuff. If things go well say to your boyfriends you need time to sort your head out about stuff. Dont say what stuff though.
Plus dont worry so muchh about the asian community do what make YOU! happy not what make asians happy
Take it from me i've been in your shoes!
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A
male
reader, Tommy7  +, writes (12 October 2007):
The big thing you left out is what your bf thinks about the issue. Are you a cheater or not?
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (12 October 2007):
 Just remember before doing anything, you'll need to inform your boyfriend of your plans. Cheating with same sex can have the same destruction on the relationship as cheating with opposite.
If you don't want him to know, make sure you end with him before you do. That's because if you make the choice to be with someone else, it's the price you accept to play.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2007): From what you say, it sounds to me like she's dropping hints to you that she's that way inclined, or is maybe 'fishing' to see what your inclinations are.
You could ask her whether or not she finds bi's / lesbians attractive, especially as she seems to go to the club often and if so, tell her that you'd be interested in going with her for a girls' night out the next time she mentions going there.
I suppose subtlety is the answer! It doesn't sound like this gal is going to run away.
Phil
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