A
male
age
41-50,
*pegg
writes:Hi, I'm currently married with children, happily I must add. Intimacy has been an issue between us for a longtime and not just sex but otherwise we are very happy and good together. About a week ago through the course of work I met another woman who I appear to have fell instantly in love with. I have felt this only twice before in my life, one being with my partner and I just can't seem to get this other woman out of my head. I have only seen her once since and I seem to be besoted with her. There is no way that I could ever leave my family for her - there are too many complications and I couldn't bear to see my partner hurt but for the last week I've been living in emotional pain. I don't even know if the other woman feels the same or not. Part of me wants to tell her and see. This presents a load of other ethical implications because I met her through work. I am normally the type of person who sorts other peoples problems out rather than having them myself but I just don't know what to do. How do I deal with loving 2? Deep down I know what I need to do but I am finding it difficult... Help plz!! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2016): What if she can't stop thinking about you too? Maybe she's also married and doesn't want to hurt her partner either. She might be in agony and is completely torn up- working together is probably exhilarating and excruciating at the same time. Why don't you ask her how she's feeling? Wouldn't you like to know one way or the other?
A
male
reader, Allenwhite  +, writes (25 September 2016):
I can't help you but can sympathize with you. I met the most beautiful woman through work about six years ago and have had an instant crush on her to this day. I cant even look at her without feeling anything but love. We managed to become friends for a while - Not sure if she felt the attraction too but I'd like to think that she did. She is simply the most beautiful woman I could possibly meet in this world. I am experiencing a lot of emotional turmoil because of it.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (22 September 2016):
I once fell head over heels for someone else while I was still in a relationship. However, I knew I wouldn't be able to look at myself in the mirror again if I pursued it, so I backed off and kept my distance. This really helped because when you're crushing on someone, being in their proximity all the time makes things worse.
So I would go to work earlier, so our hours wouldn't overlap as much. I'd negotiate different off days. I made sure I didn't leave with him at the same time, as to not give myself the opportunity to start conversations with him outside of work. After a while, the interest ebbed away to a manageable level until I didn't think of him that way at all anymore. It's all about rewiring your own brain. Everyone can do it. You just have to not give yourself excuses.
It did tell me I wasn't all that happy with my relationship though, so I decided to channel my energy into salvaging what I had.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2016): Having an affair 'to see' is not the answer. Have you ever wondered if your wife feels like you do about another man? Or is she too busy looking after your kids to have the time to develop male friends or crushes or new loves. How would you feel if she had an affair? Instead of investing all this emotion in some possibility at work why not invest in improving life for and with your wife?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2016): I've recently went through what your experience but from the perspective of being the female colleague.
If it will satisfy your mind I'd say speak your mind to one of the parties involved. It will help you rationalise it and help put things into perspective.
As much as there was a connection on my side as well as the other there was too much at risk to act upon as much as i may have wanted to but talking will help if you trust the person.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (19 September 2016):
 What good would come of finding out if she fancies you too? None. You know this so obviously wise not to even go there. Shutting it down in your heart and head needs to be your focus not making a rod for your own back. My advice would be make EVERY effort not to ALLOW yourself to engage with this woman other than professionally. Even then refrain from giving off any indication that you see her in any other way than a colleague. No flirty talk,innuendo or behaviour. She will enter your head yes, but when she does make the effort to transfer that energy into your wife and relationship. You have a responsibility to control your infatuation and the freedom of choice lays at your feet.
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A
male
reader, Gpegg +, writes (19 September 2016):
Gpegg is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your advice. I feel better now I've managed to get it out. Ironically I have lusted after others before and fought it off with ease. This just feels different which scared me a bit. By you are right. It is just a crush. Thank you for listening.
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A
female
reader, Caftin +, writes (19 September 2016):
 I feel that the troubles in your marriage are wearing you down and you subconsciously checked out, wanting to find an alternative. This colleague is your scapegoat. They are not real feelings or love. It's simply lust.Personally speaking, love is something that is built, instant attraction can happen with anyone.During your explanation, you could tell you were at war with yourself, saying how happy you were with your family but feel guilty for these feelings.The best thing to do in your position, is to seek help on how to better your marriage. It's the one thing you are sure of and that you will not give up. Everything you mentioned about this other woman is pure chance and a game. It isn't worth hurting your kids and wife over.Seek couple counselling or personal counselling and ignite the spark between you and your wife.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (19 September 2016):
 I don't think you are happy if you are feeling this way. You tell yourself to be happy, keep up a smile, to convince yourself so that you won't leave. Has your wife always been that way or did her sex drive dry up after having children? If not having enough time or enough sleep is the reason, have you tried hiring babysitters and a cleaner once a week so you can have a date night?
You don't love your female colleague the same way you love your wife. For your colleague it's an infatuation, and to your wife you have companionship and a moral obligation. Some people can pull off having sex even if their bodies say no. I myself can do it, but only if I love my husband. The day I stop having sex is the day I really should get a divorce.
Maybe your wife feels that sex is only for when people are in love. After that, it's all about real life, practical stuff and children. She is quite content with life and she needs to know how you are feeling. You may not want to tell her about the female colleague as that would shun all communication before it even starts. Your wife would get so mad that you won't ever have to wish about sex again. You do have to tell her how the lack of sex makes you feel undesired and unattractive, and how you miss the spark you once had. If you keep bottling things up it only fuels and justifies your secret crush on your colleague.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2016): "Currently married"? Not for keeps then! Your have one footsie out the door!!!"About a week ago through the course of work I met another woman who I appear to have fell instantly in love with." Oh my dear!! One meeting and you go off the rails?!?!? Lol!!some here will advise you to cut contact and/or see your doctor because clearly you are completely off the rail!!!This is so basic -- you have a crush. A crush. A crush!!! Simples!!! Probs coz you aren't so happy wth wifey as you say!!) Decide!! Decide!! Keep marriage or not. Simples!!Wife? Yes no? If yes then deal with crushies! If no then be gentleman ! So simples!!! Why so hard for you to see?? Simples!!!
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (19 September 2016):
 You don't love her; you don't even know her. You're infatuated with the new lady - like a new gadget, completely unlike any other you've seen, besides your reliable version 1 (your partner).
You're lusting. Don't confuse it with love because you'll definitely not get the same reaction from the woman, as you're strangers.
Seek couples counselling before throwing away your relationship for a random lady and remind yourself that this isn't love or even a crush, just infatuation.
If counselling doesn't work out, then you can leave your partner, but don't let your confused feelings run away with you and let you fool yourself into thinking you're somehow in love with a stranger.
Good luck, OP.
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