A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi all this isnt a love related question really but i didnt know where else to go.The thing is that i have a very bad relationship with my mam. She is mean to me says im fat even though im a size ten. She is always saying mean comments to me, tells me im disgusting, i dress terribly, and that I am a terrible person in general. Over christmas dinner she made a big scene and said to me "dont eat too much or you might get fat" really sarcastically. She compares me to everyone and they are always better, i cant remember the last time she said something nice to me. She screams at me over the littlest things.Well its a new year and ive decided to try and tell somebody as this has me upset and feeling worthless for over two years now. Ive tried everything, being nice to her, doing my best but its never good enough for her and ive just come to the conclusion that she is a naturally mean person. Thats why all i can think of is to tell somebody as i think it might help me a little. My older brother was treated this way but moved out. Anyway ive thought long and hard about who to tell, my friends are out of the question as they only go and tell everyone and discuss it with them. The only person i can think of is my ex boyfriend as i know he was depressed before and he may know how to deal with things. Do people think its a bad idea for me to tell him even though ive nobody else to turn to?? I cry myself to sleep at night, i have no confidence and im beginning to hate myself. How should i tell him how im feeling if i do decide to tell him my story? I know most of you will think this is a bad idea but ive nobody else to turn to. Sorry its so long!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2009): hey ive also go your problem nd i realy do understand you because my mum tells me of callin me a fat bitchh but im alsoo a size 10 nd i dnt no what she is on about but she wakes me up saying slut nd bitch and every word she can think of and she is soooo nice to other people but just to me she hatess me she tells me that every day and how she cant stand the sight of me and she tells my older brotherss that she loves themm so muchh in front of me and does everything for them but if i ask her for one thing i get told off and if she does it shed tell the whole world about it. i also havent told anyone because it is realy hard and my friends are hard to talk to as well one dsnt listern to me but ive got one has the same problem her mum is like mine and your mum but not as bad and still treats her like her daughter
i dont show no one how sad i am im always smiling but in my heart im always cryingg and in the nightt i cry myself to sleep and i cant take it no moree its goten to the stage how she is always threatining to kick me out of the house and im only 14 and she always threatens to come and hit me she tells me of 24/7 every single minutee exept when im not home at school i try to get detention so i stay at school longerr and i dont have to see her and get told off i read your story how ur mum was like 'dont eat to much u might get fat'
my mum is exactly like that exept she makes my brothers food and tell me to is 2 minute noodles so i think every mum has issues but try telling some one im going to try aswell
byee
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (15 April 2008):
 Hi Kate, I just saw your post in answer to this older question. If you are having a problem, please do post the question again on the main site.
I hope you have another adult you can trust to talk to; a teacher, a guidance counselor, an aunt or an uncle? Please tell someone about your problem and ask for help there.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2008): hello! my name is kate and i too am being mentaly and verbally abused by my mom. she always tells me that i won't graduate on time with the rest of my class. even tho i did get my grades up to a's, b's, c's, and 1 f. i come home from skool and i'm forced to watch my 7 year old sister while my mom works non stop. then mom comes home and drinks until she goes to bed. she's never laid a hand on us before, but she says horrible things to my all day long. i'm always scard to come home after skool because i never no if she'll be there. my dad pasted away last year and ever since then things haven't been the same. i don't know what to do. i think that i need help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2008): I too was verbally abused by my mum - but never that bad. MInd you being called handicapped or mentally retarded everytime I spilt my cereal or drink is that bad, I suppose. Having things thrown at me because my mum couldn't win an argument, or having her call me horrible names in front of everyone on the Paris metro when I was 16 - Yes i suppose it was bad - but I just sort of blanked it out. Or so I thought. Sadly, this morning, my little boy was so scared of the dentist he refused to open his mouth, despite me taking the day off work, and taking him out of the school for the morning, etc etc. I was spitting mad and shouted at him in front of everyone, telling him how selfish he was.So first off - I have just humiliated him in front of everyone - when he was afraid anyway, and was embarrassed that he was afraid and I've undermined his confidence in me and the dentist. SO he must have felt rather alone and terrified and didn't know what to do.I felt bad and didn't mean to do it - it just come out, like it just came out of my mum, and I remember her mum being like that too. I'm not exactly sure how I can stop this pattern - but it will end.Your mum may not change overnight, but try talking to her about her actions. Point out to her the stress, anxiety, embarrassment her actions cause you. But do not confront, and do not be belligerent. Have an adult to adult conversation. Try looking at Berne's Transactional Analysis for an understanding of what I mean. An understanding of NLP may also give you a good grounding in esteem issues and being able to control a conflictual situation.There are never any quick fixes in these situations, and the pattern can continue for ever, unless someone has the courage to say "enough is enough". Try looking at Louise Hay's books. You may find that using positive affirmations everyday may magically "fix" things, or it may run deeper than that. If none of the above work and you become really fed up, you could suggest family mediation to your mum. Try telling an adult you trust - for goodness sake don't tell friends or boyfriends - they are usually ill equipped to get you the help you need and running over negativity may actually make the situation a whole lot worse. Also, try talking to you brother - who shares a commonality with you and can empathise with your situation. He may be able to help.As for me I've brought my boy a magazine (he loves that sort of thing) and I'm going to give him loads of kisses and cuddles and I will apologise to him for my poor behaviour today and I will keep striving to be the perfect mum - as if such a thing exists!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you all so much for your help. i still havent spoken to anybody its not as easy as that. I still spend a lot of time on my own as i feel if im in the same room as her she will say something else mean. I think im actually turning into a mean bitter person like her and i dont like it. My friends wouldnt understand. I dont drive so i have no way of going to counselling or anything. I think im just going to have to put up with it and try not let it bother me. Thanks again, your help and thoughts mean so much to me.
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reader, Coderoid  +, writes (2 January 2008):
Hey there, that sounds exactly like my mom! i went through he same stuff with her, though im a guy. the solution came when i moved out, ive been independent for about 4yrs now and she actually apologized to me about her meanness.
Whats my point? Hang in there and work to move out. Dont move out before you can actually afford it though! Take your time and when you do move out, things may settle.
Just my two cents.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2008): I too have a verbally abusive family (specially my mom)but they are not that abusive. You are not alone. There are lots of families like yours and they are called dysfucntional families. You're experimenting one the toughest kind and that is demeaning abuse from your own mother. There's no justification but your mother is very sick. She was obviously raised in a very disturbed herself family and is messing with your mind because she doesn't know better.
She has created her own little dysfunctional family and you too will if you don't seek help soon. Your mom was verbally abused as she grew up and learned that's the way a family should behave. She also has such a low self esteem she projects it on you.
I'm older than you but still have to live with parents because I can't find a well paid job to pay for rent, food and other expenses. It doesn't have to do with this anyway they have always disrespected me and I grew up being very insecure because of that. I'm completely sure I would be somewhere else right now earning the good money I deserve for studying so much if it wasn't for their mistreatment. I mean how in the hell are we going to love ourselves and have stable self esteems if the persons who brought us into this world act as if they are ashamed of us?
I got sick of my mom trying to ruin my self esteem now that I was boyfriendless, jobless and friendless. The last thing I needed was someone else telling me how apparently terrible I was. So what I did was look for help. I studied psychology and knew most of my problems were emotional. I knew it had to do with my family's mistreatment although they projected themselves as such good persons and criticized my troubled personality since I was a kid. I didn't gave them problems but I had a bad temper and and they always implied there was something wrong with me. No one has to be a psychologist to understand that if a kid acts with rage is because he or she knows he or she has been trated unfairly. Manipulation,depression and bad temper is learned at home is not something I was born with. So? I figured it was their fault. Hey! the family is the one that should be there to help you succeed in life and protect you. When the opposite happens you learn from childhood to deal with it with lots of unhealthy patterns and I'm not going to elaborate but they always end up turning into psychological disorders.
Do not talk to your ex. First, you should go online and start educating yourself. You know what I also did? I went to Border's and since I'm unemployed and have lots of time but no money and want to get away form my family as much as I can I went to the psychology section and started reading and reading and didn't bought anything but went home with a lot of new knowledge that has helped me a lot. There was even a book a bout toxic parents.
When you start realizing you are not alone and that you are the one who has to start to change and set boundaries so people will not hurt you anymore you'll start to feel the freedom you deserve.
Never believe the crap your mother is telling you. You have to repeat to yourself just like I have that she is crazy and her mind is full of shit. She is wrong you are the one who's normal and have to tell her you won't tolerate her insults no more because you are a worhty, lovable, inteligent and beautiful woman and you won't take her bitterness and poison anymore. That's the only way you can start setting boundaries.
That's what I did and it helped me a lot to feel better about myself for the first time in my life. I started facing the comments my mom said to me. That's the ONLY good thing that happened to me in 2007.
The first time you confront your mother she'll try to hurt you even more because she is sure she has control over you. She might try to yell louder and that's the moment to step on. Yell even louder make her feel emotionaly and psychologically trapped. What can you lose? You have nothing. When you continue to confront her and answer everything she says saying the opposite maybe while crying and yelling the turning point will come. Only when you let her know that you are not afraid of her anymore. It might take a while and you might start crying while doing this and/or storm out of the room. That's completely normal.
This is not easy. I had no one to talk to either. Not a single soul but I came here and read other people's problems and asked for help for mine and read a read more about toxic people and I felt like I was not alone although no one that knew me knew about the problems I was facing.
You'll have to repeat to yourself you can't trust your mother for support never again (I did it in front of the mirror) Repeat to yourself you are a worthy person, that you don't have to take anybody's abuse because God made you with a purpose in life and not to be the punching bag of anyone. Repeat daily to yourself that you are a marvelous creation and people should and will accept you the way you are. That you don't have to change for anybody. You'll mind will replace abuse with those empowering words slowly.
Remember is almost impossible for a dysfunctional family to change but you can. You have started to change today and I have to congratulate you on this decision. Make it a life goal to throw up all that poison your mother has injected into your soul for such a long time. Let her know that you are willing to hurt her with your words too and that you WON'T SHUT UP. That will scare her. When you read that dysfunctional families and toxic parents are like she is and this is not something that is happenning only to you you'll start to understand what you are going through and know what to expect. Do not rely on her for emotional help. She is sick and will never be able to give you the support you need because she never received it and the truth is she hates herself. You cannot give what you don't have. You might have to go to counseling eventually but you can help yourself starting now by educating yourself.
I think I'm the only one who thinks it's not a bad idea to talk to your ex because you have to talk to someone to feel better. I rellay would have love dto talk to mine too but I'm making a resolution not to talk to him anymore for other reasons. If you decide to talk to him first try to do what I suggested because when you confront her you'll need the support.
Of course try to move if you can but you'll alwasy have the same mother and it's better for your health if you confront her now.
http://www.travelin-tigers.com/zlyn/bktoxic.htm#Ex3
Blessings. Please keep us posted.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2008): even though i can't see you i am sure you are a beautiful person. good luck. there is some good advice on this page. xxx
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A
female
reader, cowgirl44 +, writes (2 January 2008):
Im 44 and I know how you feel about this, cause I have been verbally abused from parents on up to my ex-husband plus he physically abused me to. In your mind you have to be strong and focus on yourself hopw pretty you are and you are better then that. yes words hurt but it will make you a strong person, have friends that you can talk to and maybe you can stay with other family members. If you cant talk to her of how you feel then talk to another family memeber. go get help
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhey thanks so much for all the help. I know i should go to counselling but i can't see my self ever opening up to a stranger about my problems. I cant live with my brother as i go to college in a different place. My Dad tries to tell her to stop being so mean and cranky but she wont listen and so does my brother. Thats why my only option is to tell my ex boyfriend. I dont think he is depressed anynore and i think it would help getting it off my chest as i know he'd listen. I dont want a relationship with him and we both know that. I think its what i'll have to do. Thanks so much everyone yer comments helped me through a very bad day!!
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male
reader, Dr. John +, writes (1 January 2008):
 Verbal abuse is abuse nevertheless and can even be worse than physical abuse.
You really do need help and need to speak with someone about this.
I have done some searching on the web and found a website that should give you a place to start. If the health board cannot help you I am sure they can get you pointed in the right direction. Please contact them. You should be able to get counciling. You may have a wealth of resourses available to you and a councilor will be someone you can confide in without worry of reprisal. If need help to find other resourses please feel free to drop me a personal note here and I will see what I can do to further help you. I wish you much success. Doc
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female
reader, tishatasha  +, writes (1 January 2008):
 If im really upset and depressed and I cant put something say something out loud I write it on a peice of paper and give the note to someone I really trust.
From tishatashaxXx
P.S I would tell your ex. as he was depressed he may have an answer.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2008): dont mean to put you off but i was in a similar situation for many years. i eventually moved out when my mum started to get violent on the side but i tryed telling people long before that. no one beleived me as my mum was such a good actor and i just got labelled a compulsive liar and a spoilt brat by a psychiatrist who was meant to help me. so i guess my advice is to keep in in the family amongst people who have seen what she is like and can understand your point of view. dont get the authorities or childline or the police or anything involved as it just f***s things up. gd luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2008): I don't think there's much point in telling your ex, he's probably got enough to worry about already and if he's depressed this will only depress him further.
I'd say have a word with your brother. I don't suppose there's any chance you could move out and live with him?
Perhaps you should tell your mother how upset you get at her behaviour. If you can't do that, how about another family member doing it for you?
Reading 'between the lines' it might just be possible that your mother thinks you're too thin being a size 10, and the comment she made was a sarcastic one. She sounds like a nasty piece of work though.
Phil
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