A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:To Anyone Who Can Offer Prospective:I recently moved to a new state about 700 miles away to attend graduate school. I've felt pretty lonely here, where I had come from before I was a social butterfly who had friends anywhere I'd go, which has made my issue especially difficult.I have a boyfriend back at home that I've been dating for nearly a year. He occasionally talks about moving here when he finishes his schooling but he flip/flops on his commitment to me. Everything was going well until about a week ago, he stopped calling, telling me he missed me; I'm lucky if he says he loves me. Last night I had a stress breakdown and called him crying, he said that he didn't want to deal with me while I was crying and hung up on me saying he'd call the next day (which he did not). I know that he's tired and stressed from school and work as well but I guess as someone who is supposed to love and care about me I expected more support.Am I wasting my time? He isn't as motivated as me when it comes to school and working toward a career, and he rarely even seems to be sexually attracted to me when we are together. I'm not an unattractive person; I get attention from men at the very least superficially, although I understand that attraction isn't the only factor in relationships. But beyond all these flaws I find myself still feeling strongly loyal and loving him.I'm unsure, if I am calling him too much would it cause him to treat me like this? Should I just back off or is he just not the one? What would you do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, sappygirl +, writes (9 September 2008):
 i agree with Iris49.
Letting go is one of the hardest things to do.
However you boyfriend is giving you hints that he's not into you anymore. No matter how much you try to hold on..it takes two people to make a relationship work.
I know it's hard moving to a different place where you don't know anyone, but give it some time. Things don't happen right away. Take this time to get to know YOU.
Find what you like and your dislike. YOu are young and this is the time to discover yourself.
I say give some space between your boyfriend. Don't call him anymore and let him time to think about and Miss you.
You don't have to break up with him, but if he doesn't make the effort that is required, then you deserve a better man that is qualified to be with a career oriented person. Just remember..you are going to make something of your life. Don't let a guy hold you back.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2008): Yes, I agree...your bf is the one person you needed, to support you through this difficult time. And it appears that he finds giving that support to you, very difficult. He's flip flopping, he's not as attentive, he's stopped calling--all the signs are pointing toward the inevitable. Yes no wonder, you are lonely, sad and it takes great will to make a relationship work when so miles separate a couple. Can I say it?? Break up with him. Why? Because you said something that struck me as troubling, in your relationship with him. You said,
"Am I wasting my time? He isn't as motivated as me when it comes to school and working toward a career, and he rarely even seems to be sexually attracted to me when we are together. I'm not an unattractive person; I get attention from men at the very least superficially, although I understand that attraction isn't the only factor in relationships. But beyond all these flaws I find myself still feeling strongly loyal and loving him"
That was enough to make me think this relationship has seen it's better times. It's time to move on, hun. When I hear that coming from a young female off in college--I will say to you, "You are only young once, hun". And it sounds like you two are no longer that compatible, you both have different goals, in life..going different directions. I feel you need someone more equalized to your way of thinking, having the ambitions as you do-someone who values a good education to pursue a lucrative, future career.
You’re in college with a ton of opportunities to meet amazing people – whether it be as friends, new guys, flings and/or lovers. But you need to have the freedom to grow, expand and 'experience life'. It's very hard to enjoy all the fun, social aspects at college when you have a ongoing relationship 700 miles away. You feel committed to the guy at home, so what do you do? You stay in and you don't really go anywhere to meet all the new friends, because you are 'loyal' to this guy. You should be able to experience the fun of college life without worrying about a boyfriend back home. It makes perfect sense that you are lonely, because you want the affection that a bf brings with him, but he's not there supporting you, holding you, talking to you.
I honestly think you feel this relationship should end. But are you putting if off because you are afraid of hurting your boyfriend or is it because you truely love him and don’t want to lose him? Think on that. Really see the two very separate differences in that question. My suspicion is that it is the former, given the fact that you have considered a breakup. I think you are afraid to hurt him. I think you may fear going it alone. All I am saying is, if you can think this over and tell yourself, that this is 'your' life, 'your' time' to experience life have new exciting adventures, make new friendships and date others...then you had better go for it, girl! My advice is to do some thinking about what you would be giving up versus what you would be gaining. If you are only holding back from breaking up with your boyfriend because of fear, then by all means, you must begin the process, of breaking up. It is not fair to either one of you to continue. All in all, think about what’s best for everyone here. I also think from the way you described your bf's behaviors, that he may be 'disconnecting' from you. It's time for you both to have a serious talk and come to a decision. Good luck.
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