A
male
age
30-35,
*forde04
writes:I have always tried my hardest to be a decent person, good friend and supportive boyfriend but it would seem as if my efforts and near-perpetually confounded. A reoccurring theme in my life is that I’ll reach out to someone who seems to be at a rough end socially and try to integrate them within my group of friends, only to have them push me towards the periphery. I’m no believer in fate and am entirely convinced that some aspect of my behaviour has a lot to do with this. Such a situation befell me when I was 17 but considering that is history (relatively speaking) I won’t discuss it in any depth here. After ending a long-term relationship last summer I left for university in mid-September hoping that by the end of the year I’d have forged a new and strong set of relationships next to those I already had. So far these aspirations have been realised however a series of events which have escalated over the past few days has left me feeling rather insecure in what I thought was a relatively safe position. A friend off my course recently had a falling out with his mainstay social group leaving him rather isolated and depressed. The reaction of his friends in the wake of this dispute was rather extreme to use the term lightly; what had been a seemingly small and insignificant tiff resulting out of inter-group tensions led to him being cut out completely (texts were ignored, he was blocked on Facebook by a number of people.) Having experienced a similar incident at one point I had a sense of the upset he was most probably feeling and invited him to socialize and go out with my friends – its what I’d have wanted people to do for me if I was subject to a like situation. I was happy when he began to form a series of strong relationships with my friends – it seemed as if he was finally getting over the appalling treatment that had been levied onto him by his ‘friends’. Throughout this time never once did I suspect that I’d end up being marginalized or excluded although that optimism was proven ill founded last night. A chance encounter with one of his old ‘friends’ on Wednesday led to them being forced to talk over their differences – the obvious solution to their problems that had been overlooked for almost three months. I was extremely happy for him, although his social situation had improved since the initial fallout, the fact that it remained unresolved meant that the dispute was constantly on the back of his mind, so it was good to see some kind of resolution coming to fruition. Last I heard, on Thursday afternoon he was constantly texting his mates and things were on an upward trajectory. On Saturday evening (not to the knowledge of any of my university friends) I planned to meet my cousin for a drink as she had returned to London for the weekend from University at Cambridge. On the way to the bar we had arranged to meet at I received a phone call from one of my mates telling me that they had all been invited to a party hosted by the group that my friend had fallen out with – he’d invited all of my closest friends excluding me. After a bit of digging I discovered that they had known about the event since Friday so the fact that I’d not been invited was beginning to seem less and less like human error by the second. Around midnight I received a hastily constructed text from this friend of mine saying that he wished I could come but there simply wasn’t enough space (I barely think the presence of one additional person would have caused the walls to burst) and that they all had been planning to do something on Monday which I was “more than welcome to come along to”. Initially I found the rather patronizing tone of the message rather annoying but after waking up this morning and thinking over the issues properly the incident (which in itself is non too serious) seems to mark the beginning of a disturbingly familiar trend. Upon logging into Facebook I found that the ‘night out on Monday’ was more than a hastily conceived appeasement to compensate my exclusion from yesterday night’s event – it had been arranged (without my knowledge) a week or so ago with many of my friends being invited from the outset. These incidents have led me to begin fearing the worse: that I’m slowly being elbowed away from some of my closest friends. With little knowledge of what is actually going on I feel extremely vulnerable and uneasy due to current events. Even if I am on the verge of loosing a mainstay group of friends (and I cannot emphasize enough how awful that would be), the de-centralized nature of my social group means that I have a number of other close friends who I regularly see, meaning that I’m not fighting for social survival as such. However, when it seems as if I’m being muscled out of a group that I’m supposed to live with for the next four years I feel extremely anomic and am unsure as to why my next set of actions should be – perhaps I should try and contact as many of my other friends as possible, tie down loose ends and ensure our relationships stand strong then try and deal with the problem facing my relationship with the main group constructively or should I say nothing and see where fate washes me up? I am really unsure and any advice would be appreciated :)
View related questions:
conceive, cousin, depressed, facebook, insecure, muscle, my ex, text, university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2012): Please remember, that although you may think people in your age group are settled in who they are, they are still changing a lot. That could be part of it.
The other thing about friendship is to remember this: Be a good listener. God gave us two ears and one mouth so we can listen twice as much as we talk. It is hard to do, especially when we are excited to share ourselves with others. If you can train yourself to listen more, talk less, and laugh with them and at their jokes, that goes a long way to being included in groups. That is provided it is a group YOU want to be in. Don't compromise your values and ethics for the sake of belonging. Instead, keep searching. There are people out there looking for YOU.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2012): Well so far it's only been one event they've not invited you to and if they were trying to push you out, it does seem strange that they would organise the alternative event.
Keep in mind that friends don't have to go on every night out together. You can't expect that from any group of friends really. It's possible this is a lot of worry about nothing.
However, just in case, if I were you I'd contact & start spending more time with other friends (separately from your current close friends) and strengthen those friendships. It can't hurt. While doing that see what happens with your close friends.
If these occurrences of not inviting you on group outings increase and their behaviour changes then I would get the friend you're closest to alone and ask them why it's happening. It may well not be an organised plan against you, it could be they've just gotten closer to other people but if you value social stability then it might be a good idea to 'demote' them to distant friends.
Also, obviously you don't have to live with these people for the next four years so see where this situation goes before worrying about that.
The other poster is right that friendships come and go, but some people aren't comfortable with the instability and prefer to have everything thought out logically. So do whatever you feel comfortable with, go with fate or plan. It's up to you.
...............................
A
male
reader, jc2008 +, writes (4 March 2012):
Hey there,Well from reading your question, it is honourable of you to have picked up someone who was having a hard time with their social group and integrated them into yours. As you said, you are treating others how you would like to be treated and no one likes a cliquey social group (believe me a LOT are). However, you now feel that this new friend is effectively taking your social group away and excluding you which you are understandably upset. However, it sounds as if you are reading far too much into this situation. For whatever reason you weren’t invited to something, but they are setting up something else and inviting you to it and also this friend realised and texted you. I know you feel like this is poor compensation. However from my own experiences I can tell you if they were intentionally pushing you out ,they wouldn’t have bothered to text or setup an alternative event. I don’t mean to sound patronising but you are young and just experiencing friendships in an environment outside of school. Try not to superimpose your previous experiences from your school days onto your university days. Friends come and go, and at the end of they are more like a lot of acquaintances. You will find later on that probably one or two of you will be close and they might be people you don’t talk too much or haven’t met yet. I always say to people, stick by those who stick by you. Remember who your close friends are and try not to take things personally though I know it’s hard not to. You need to take a more laid back approach to these events and you will find you see things more clearly over time. I once tried to be everyone’s friend and in the end I was really no one’s friend. Also if you show any negativity people pick up on this and they stay away, the old saying if you don’t love yourself how do you expect other people to love you back. Anyway I hope this makes sense and it works out for you. People obviously do like you and don’t read too much into others, they can be complicated enough!
...............................
|
