A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:HI. I'm a happily single 35 yr. old woman. I go to church alone and even though I've been going to this particular church for more than 2 yr.s it hasn't been easy for me to make friends there. Lots of people smile and say hi but they don't really know me or care enough to know me. I think only 3 people know my name in the entire church. I feel very young and look young, and I enjoy the company of twentysomethings because I feel I didn't enjoy this particular phase in my life thanks to a lot of problems. That's another reason why I don't want to get married yet. The problem is I have this 19 year old friend at my church who's been openly in-like with me for a while, but he is not very intelligent and has been critical of my body and it bothers me. He's always saying he loves me (some christians do that with one another) and is very loving and asks questions that show he wants to get to know me better and that flatters me because I've been through a lot (unemployment, debts, stress, loneliness, rejection, etc.) The church is big and sometimes we don't talk to each other but sometimes we do and since I'm skinny (106 punds, 5'2" height) he is always talking about how I should gain weight and stuff that makes me mad since that's not his business and I could be his mother. He really doesn't get it's offensive. He doesn't say it in an offensive manner but it is offensive. I have had a trauma with this subject all my life because I've felt rejected because I don't have a very voluptuous body as the majority of women and it's extremely difficult for me to gain and maintain weight. But I'm not giving him any explanations. I changed my mobile number and was glad he didn't had it even though he almost doesn't call me. It had been a month since we last spoke so when I saw him yesterday at the end of the church service and he asked me had I changed the number I said yes. He was very happy to see me and I was just happy because of the church service. At that moment surprisingly, a girl (21 yrs.) which I know but don't consider exactly my friend said Hi to us and said she had to go home immediately but was going to call me to tell me something that had happened to her, so I had to give her my new number and of course I had to give it to him also. Now I'm afraid he'll call and continue to mortify me about how much I'm eating as if I were an 8 year old and needed my nutrition. Who the hell does he think he is?I hate teenagers and their stupid need to have self esteem and to have perfect bodies. As if he had a great body... He is also skinny...I had forgave him for all of his criticism because he is not very smart, I'm a christian and HAVE to do it if I want God to bless me and time had made me forget a little about the past, but I don't want him to treat me again as if I was a little girl who needs his guidance. He has even asked me in a very naive way if I put too much make up on. I'm 35 yrs. old! I have large pores, black circles and sun spots to hide! The idiot thinks if I don't wear makeup my face will look like that of a 20 year old. I took a modeling course and I know how to put make up on. I've had people compliment me on that matter for years. Can you believe a while ago I started talking about how I was going to fast because God says we are supposed to fast and how it is good to help us conquer things in the spiritual realm and the stupid boy said to me I shouldn't do it so I wouldn't lose weight. What kind of a Christian is that? The real problem is I have no friends and I desperately need attention of others. I could use a little love and admiration but sometimes it comes mixed with rejection. I had made it clear I'm not interested in him so I don't know why he is so interested in a body that will never be his. Teenager males are so sick in their minds.Don't know what to do to make this boy respect me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the replies. I feel much better now that someone else understands what I've been going through. "Fatherly Advice" you are soo right. I guess I'm responsible for the fact that he sees me in need because I was naive enough to tell him about it. What can I do? He was the only one interested in me when I needed someone to talk to. He dropped out of high school and now that he is almost 20 he started working on his High School diploma, so he lost a great deal of socialization on a very important phase of his life. Now that I started college again to get my PhD and have more people to talk to I don't feel as needy as I felt before so I hope it shows."janniepeg" I agree. I have to take care of my reputation at church because sometimes I talk to him a lot and people could think something else. "DrPsych" he has actually confided me he is very insecure himself. He is also shy.
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (8 February 2010):
 First things first, your BMI is Normal not underweight. There is no need for you to gain weight. Fasting is healthy physically as well as spiritually as long as it is done in moderation. Fasting will not cause weight loss as many crash dieters will attest. At your age it is pretty normal to be frustrated with immaturity.
You won't like my take on his behavior but, I'm dishing it out anyway. For what it's worth, I think he has genuine feelings for you. Christian love at least and care for your well being. He sees you in need and responds as a parent because that is the only model he has. He is lacking in the experience of a relationship with equals. The lack of that skill has turned into a huge turnoff for you. You are even generalizing about all teen males based 9on your frustration with him.
I guess you want advice on how to kindly let him down so he will stop feeling attached to you. You probably need to let him know you are looking for someone more your age, and his attention is keeping them away.
FA
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A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (8 February 2010):
 This is a teenage boy who is bullying you by making fun of your appearance. It is probably because he feels deeply insecure and unsure of himself. He also senses that you have a lack of self confidence and a need for others attention. I think the best approach in life is to see respect as something that you either get from a person, or you don't. If they disrespect you then you should avoid them as they will have a very negative impact on your mood and energy. Don't allow this boy to dictate where you can go and how you look!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (8 February 2010):
 He is entitled to his own opinion. Why is he behaving like this? He is at an age when he has crushes on older women. You get him to respect you if you are more confident in your looks and not pay attention to what he says. If you secretly wish to have a relationship with him then people around you will notice this and lose respect for you. You are making it clear that you are not interested in him, so you should give him no more of your energies. The church is filled with lonely people. But people do talk behind their backs when their lives are so boring. I think you will get more respect by volunteering services in the church.
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