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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Hello, I was just wondering if anyone would be able to help with this rather unusual predicament I'm in.Two and a half years ago I had a one night stand. I didn't think clearly about it and I instantly regretted it. The guy I had sex with remained in contact though however and we became fairly good friends. Until now I never really gave it much thought. Now I have a boyfriend I've been seeing for a year and I love him so much. But we have a lot of problems and have been close to breaking up before because of this.Tonight the past came back to haunt me, however. The guy I had the one night stand with 2 years ago got in contact and demanded I meet with him first thing tomorrow. I said no, but he said he had photos of me from last time and he'd send them to my boyfriend if I refused! After a long argument I agreed I'd meet with him if it meant he'd leave me alone for good, and if it meant he'd only see me and nothing else would happen.He says he's in love with me, obsessed with me! But I don't have feelings for him and never have. But my relationship with my boyfriend has had a lot of problems in the past and something like this could cause him to end it. I don't want that to happen, I love him so much.I'm furious that I've been blackmailed into this, and don't know what to do. I feel awful, even though this happened a long time before me and my boyfriend even met. Is there anyway I can get out of meeting this guy and keep my boyfriend?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2011): OP how old are you? And what kind of photos are they?
Because I just thought of another thing. If you're 18 to 20 now and if he has photos of you in any kind of sexual context from two and a half years ago, then you'd have been underage. If that is the case OP, then he could be in very serious trouble if he sent those to your boyfriend, he'd be in serious trouble just for having them. If that is the case you may want to let him know that. If they're not of a sexual context then I don't see the problem really. If he just has regular photos then there's no issue just tell him to send them, it would be nice to have more photos.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (11 May 2011):
 Oh yeah, if you can do what Cerberus recommends then by all means, that is a very helpful strategy. But you must bring someone with you who isn't afraid of taking it all out (not kill the guy or seriously injure him, but scared the shit out of him), and be scary enough to make him give up the pictures. A parent would do wonders, or a big brother if you got one, or your boyfriend if he's not anti-violence to the degree where he wont stand up for you. Or a group of male friends. The more the merrier.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2011): Call the police. Don't do anything else. Call the police.
These guys can be dangerous. I had a friend who was stalked for 5 years by someone, and my wife was stalked by someone a few years before I met her.
Call the police.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (11 May 2011):
 Do not meet this guy because thats all that he wants. If you do meet him, he's going to think that he can do it whenever he wants and make you dance to his tunes. Let him say whatever he wants. Trust me, when these people say they want to meet you just once and then they wont trouble you again, they're LYING. Its just a way to get you to come meet them and a way for them to talk to you.
OP you think this might be the straw that breaks the camel's back; think of it the other way. Tell your BF the truth, that way you wont have anything to fear. He wasnt a part of your life at that time and you dont even have to tell him everything, just tell him you fooled around and not this guy's being a jerk. If you and your boyfriend can see through this difficult period, then you will be together for keeps and it will actually bring you closer. Once this guy realizes that he cannot break your relationship, the joke's going to be on him. If he still continues to harass you, contact the police and get help. Dont let ANYONE in this world scare for for ANYTHING. You havent done anything wrong, you have nothing to fear.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2011): I disagree with the other posters, I think you should meet him but you should bring your father or other older male relative to get those pictures off him and tell him to stay away from you. You could also bring your mom if she's one of those fiercely protective, head strong women.
OP softly softly isn't going to work with this kind of guy, you have to completely catch him off guard and surprize him with drastic action. You need to turn this back around on him OP and put the fear in him. Blackmailers think they have power, but the thing with blackmailers OP is they're inherently cowards, hiding behind something they can use against you. You rip that power away from them and you'll see they're just frightened little children.
I did the same for my sister a few months back. Her ex threatened to put some secrets she told him as his status on facebook if she didn't agree to kiss him at a party they'd both be at. I was furious, I can tell you. So I went to the party with her. I went in grabbed him, pinned him down, held up my sisters phone with that text on it and put my face right up to his and I warned him to stay the hell away from her and turned to their friends and told them what he was doing and if anyone tried that with her again, the next time I won't be as gentle. There was nothing more satisfying than watching that little douche cry and beg, and plead that he was only joking in front of all their friends. You should have seen the shock and fear on their faces too. I then grabbed the nearest beer and poured it all over him and sent him packing. It actually turned out to be a fun night, I stayed at the party and had a great time.
Look what I did may not be feasible in your situation, but the point is the same. Don't talk, don't react, just act. Act quickly and show this little slime who's the boss. It's the only thing that works OP. If you play these games with him he'll win, if you don't take the power back, quickly and brutally, then he'll win. Tear him to pieces and he'll never try that again.
My sisters blackmailer crosses to the other side of the street when he sees her now and he won't go to any parties he'll know she's going to in case I show up. Who's the bitch now?
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (11 May 2011):
Take it to the police. Blackmailing is illegal, and if he took photos of you without your consent I believe that would be illegal as well.
This man needs a restriction order. I would also tell the boyfriend that you are being blackmailed by a man from your past who claims to have compromising pictures of you. Your boyfriend should support your through this, not be pushed away by it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2011): Um domt meet him but tell your boyfriend about him show him the texts or whatever and say you're scared
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2011): If you've only been dating your BF for a year and you slept with this other guy 2.5 years ago then it wasn't anywhere near cheating on him. Tell him the truth. Problem solved.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Susie  +, writes (11 May 2011):
 Do not go and see this person. No good will come of it. Tell your boyfriend what is going on, and the blackmailer has nowhere to go then. If this causes more problems with the BF, then maybe its time to move on from that relationship. If you think it is warranted, maybe you should report what is going on to the police.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2011): Yes, I think you should enlighten this individual that you will do everything in your power to punish him if he does anything stupid and illegal. Threaten the utmost legal action and report him to the police.
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male
reader, idoneitagain +, writes (11 May 2011):
Under no circumstances should you meet with this guy.
Someone capable of such a blackmail cannot be trusted in any respect, and he can't have any good intentions. You are putting yourself in danger by agreeing to meet him, and if you do, you are giving him an indication that his blackmail is working, and that you will listen to him if he demands something from you. This is the kind of situation that only escalates, it doesn't get any easier it can only get worse. Also, if he loves you and is obsessed with you, do you really think he would sincerely agree to meeting you one last time and then leave you alone? He has no intention of honoring that agreement, he just wants to have an opportunity to speak with you, which is the next step in the manipulation of blackmail. There is no legitimate reason for you to meet with him, meeting with him will only make things worse, not better.
The only reason you want to meet with him is that you are driven out of fear. Meeting with him will not resolve your fears, he will still have the photo to blackmail you, there is nothing you can do to get that away from him. Your job is to deal with and overcome your fear, not become subjected to blackmail.
Here is how you overcome your fear. Firstly, realise that the photo he has does not have any impact on your current relationship. You did nothing wrong to your boyfriend by sleeping with someone before you met him. He has nothing to get angry or upset about. The best way to overcome this, is for you to have him on your side. If I were in your position, I would go to your boyfriend and tell him what is going on. I would tell him that someone is trying to blackmail you by using a picture of you from 2 or 3 years ago, and that you need his help. Get him on your side.
I know you and your boyfriend have had problems, and that this incident may trigger some of the old problems you have had. You need to be able to separate those problems from this situation, in which you haven't actually done anything wrong, and which is putting you in a very vulnerable position. Your boyfriend needs to support you through this, that is part of his job. You should not have to go through this situation on your own, in fear.
Once you have told your boyfriend about it, the blackmailer has no power. If your boyfriend is prepared, you can overcome the situation.
Good luck.
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