A
male
age
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anonymous
writes:Today was the 6th morning I've woke up with my very good friend's daughter in my bed. It all started when she was shopping for a car. He, not being mechanically inclined, asked me to go with her and make sure she was not getting a piece of junk. I had her meet me at my house, and we rode together. One day when we got back, she revealed her interest in me. She, being a gorgeous 21 year old, and me, a bone head, I let it happen. It has become a regular thing. We are getting together four or five times a week, and at least one night on weekends, she'll spend the night. She tells her parents that she was out with friends,had too much to drink, and stayed with a friend. It has become very awkward as he always seems to call me when she and I are "together". One day last week was very uncomfortable. She came to my house, parked in the garage as she always does. We were in bed. I heard someone at the door, it was her father! Needless to say, I didn't answer the door. While she found that to be a thrill, I was very uncomfortable!Today, he and I had plans together. I left a little before she did, and went to her/his house. He and I were sitting at the table when she came in. She said hello to her mom and dad, and came to me and gave me a hug. She said,"thank you for making time for me, I've had such a good time with you"! She gave me a squeeze on the shoulder, a wink, and walked away.He's 39 and I'm 48, he always gives me the "you're older and wiser" thing, and asks me for insight. He has confided in me that he is worried about her. He says that he's afraid she's drinking too much, staying out all night,etc. etc. etc... He says that he thinks she really likes me because she talks about me alot, and that she trusts me. He asked me to spend more time with her and try and find out what's going on with her, as she has been "disappearing" alot lately, and being secretive. I can't tell him about us, for obvious reasons, but don't know what to say to him. She's 21 and old enough to make her own decisions, but yet she does still live in their house. She clearly stated that this is just sex - Nothing else!I don't know what to do!
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2009): I think maybe she should tell her parents that she's attracted to you and wants to date you. She should preface that with a comment that she's telling them out of courtesy and respect, but that, being 21, she doesn't need their permission or approval to date you, or anyone else she wants to have a relationship with. She may have to lie if they ask her if you are the she's getting drunk with and sleeping with, but really, who she sleeps with is none of her business. Since her dad trusts you so much, he may feel better about her being with you than with guys her own age, who treat women bad. So suggest she talk to her parents about it, as if she is informing them before anything happens between you two (even though it already has), and post back here if she does talk to them to let us know how they reacted.
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (16 February 2009):
 What you posted about her and her mom, it's what I look at as being trained to fail. She's seeking approval in the wrong way. Defining herself by how others see her. If she's told she's not good enough over and over again, she begins living in that image. Not because she is, but because she begins questioning who she is. This is really damaging and can have life long negative affects.
It's okay to not be perfect, or to live in mom's version of who she should be. Being an individual is what makes us unique. Just because one person does something one way and someone else another doesn't make either method wrong. I have ADHD, so I do many things different than what society considers normal. I have multiple projects going on at the same time, they all get done, but I can't just focus on one at a time. So, it's not wrong since the end result is the same.
Even though you and her dad give her praise, the one person it's important to begin getting praise from is herself. It's easy to self blame when things don't go right, and much harder but necessary to give ourselves praise when we know we did a good job. If she learns to do this, she can start living by her standards and knowing they're okay, without abnormally seeking praise from her mom. It sounds like she'd be wasting her time if she's expecting her mom to change. This time of waiting will cause her a great deal of damage.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question A reply to three posts...
rcn, you make some real sense here! Maybe I am too close to her to have seen that, but when I step back and look, it makes perfect sense. As I said, she is a daddy's girl, and she and her mom,that's another story...
This girl tries! When she accomplishes something, her mother makes light of it, as if she could have done better. Yet when she fails, she falls hard. Again, her mother gets on her of how she should have done better. She is always trying to get her mothers approval, and that doesn't happen. It's her dad and myself that's always proud of her. It's he and I that when she fails, that doesn't beat up on her. Add in the bad relationships, there she is!
Her father is a wonderful man! We are worlds apart in how and where we grew up. He is a suit and tie man, I'm more of a rough around the edges guy. I also think that's part of why his wife isn't fond of me. I don't fit their "circle of friends". The daughter, she took to me the very first time we met. I remember the day her dad told her, "if you ever have any problems, and I'm not around, you go see him! He'll take care of you"! Though I don't quite think this is what he had in mind, I can see why and how this all came to be.
This wasn't a case of she says let's do it, and I say OK, I did the bit of no, we can't/shouldn't bla bla bla. But, she won!
Somehow, I need to tell her that what we're doing cannot continue. But it needs to be in a way that she doesn't feel rejected,wrong,slutty or used. I want her to still feel comfortable that if she ever needs me, that I'll be there for her.
Now, as for the post from anonymous female
Dating people my own age??? That's a completely different topic for a completely different post!
I'll just say that I don't believe in the age boundaries. If two people get along, have fun, enjoy one anothers company, AGE has NOTHING to do with it!
Many opponents of inter generational dating only see things through the eyes of physical attraction. The can only make it perverse!
No, I don't feel "sick to my stomach". I have dated 3 other younger girls. It never did make me sick. Why should it? What does make me sick, is people who judge others on who they pick as a mate, or dating partner. People who think that if someone does something that they wouldn't do, is wrong! People who have a cookie cutter design of how something should be, and anyone who colors outside of the lines is a freak. That, is what makes me sick!
No,I am NOT using her! If she is using me, that was discussed both above in this post,and a previous brought to my attention by "rcn". If I was in fact used, that's ok! That's part of being a true friend. Sometimes you take, sometimes you give!
Try clicking the "age differences" category, there are lots of inter generational relationships! http://www.dearcupid.org/category/age_differences
Anonomyous Male.
I like your approach! It's going to take some time. I can't drag it out, but I don't want to blind side her either!
I don't fear that she'll black male me or anything ugly. I just don't want her to feel rejected, or "not good enough". There's going to be tears, but what has to be done, has to be done!
Thank you all!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2009): on how to end it - write down EXACTLY what you are going to say to her - meet her in public place in DAYLIGHT - say bottom line is that 'You're the loveliest lady in the land & I value & treasure you BUT the bottom line is that I no longer can have sex with you, doing so is a betrayal of my respect for your father & I can't live with myself any longer doing that' emphasize you can still spend time with her BUT NO MORE SEX (unless you want to continue & if you do quit bithching about how do I end it). there may be tears. she may blackmail you, plead with you this may also take a long time, BE STRONG. also tell your friend (her dad) you had a big fight & you need to stay apart for a week (for her to get over it).
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2009): What's the deal? I really don't think you want this to go on any longer. In my youth, I fell for an older guy, but now later in life (middle age), I can't help but think he took advantage of my naive-ness even though I was 21 (him 35) I really wish he would've just let-me-go, then I would have more respect for him now.She's sees you as more mature, even though -are you really? Because shouldn't you be dating women closer to your age? Why don't you sit her down and tell her you don't want to betray her dads trust any longer. He would probably dis-own you as a friend. It would be selfish if she didn't understand this. She's probably looking in the wrong places to find a real man. (She sounds a bit spoiled to me too) Don't take this wrong, but I hope you feel sick to your stomache if you don't stop doing this. Feeling used shouldn't feel good.
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reader, rcn +, writes (15 February 2009):
This is not about dirty old man, horny young girl. I don't see any sign by what you'd said that you abnormally prey on young women.
Girls who cope, alcohol, drugs, behavior disorders, damage to self esteem, and SEX. These are words of the top of my head for "I'm sick of guys treating me like shit, and thinking that just because I have a good job and come from a well to do family, that I should have to pay their way while they go out and screw around like a bunch of wild animals."
Does she find you attractive? She may, but I believe she may also see you as safe. There are younger girls who look for older guys, not just because of physical attraction, but because older guys have a level of maturity women seek to feel protected.
When having sex with her, it's like an alcoholic, you're giving her the alcohol. I'm not knocking your position. There are times where I'd hold the door and gladly accept a 21 year old girl walk in my home and wants to jump on me for a bit. In my world I don't get that lucky.
What this is about is a girl in pain, feeling rejected, wanting to feel safe, not controlled, putting herself out for guys and getting shut out, and treated like crap. You're temporarily medicating her pain. Weather or not she likes you is not relevant, what is relevant is the extreme damage other guys caused.
What she needs is not a sexual friendship, she needs a friend to assist her in a direction to get help for her low self esteem, and rebuilding who she is as a person. She might enjoy having sex with you, but when she gets dressed and leaves, her low sense of self is who leaves. Sex, then is a tool to avoid or temporarily cope with pain of the past.
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reader, eddie  +, writes (15 February 2009):
 A guy goes to the doctor and says...."Doctor, it hurts when I do this" The doctor says..."stop doing that!"
I guess we won't see eye to eye on this. When I find myself doing something really off track, I stop. As for ego boosts, it may be an ego boost for a younger woman but the difference is that they don't know any better yet. they don't have the older wiser benefit yet. That is a big difference.
What I'm trying to say is this. As a man I can honestly see the beauty in a woman that age. I have one at home who has lots of friends. I've seen men look at them. They are pretty but they are also naive. As you've stated, you know you crossed the line. So the answer to your question is easy. If it's just sex, then stop. If it's just sex there is no problem because it will fizzle out anyway. Then you can at least say you saw the light and stopped having sex with your friends daughter.
So if you really feel bad and you see the error of your ways and you do respect her father....just stop. This will ease your conscience. Tell her you can't carry on doing this to your friends daughter. Tell her that it is just not a good idea to have sex with a friends, daughter/wife/mother etc. It's just to complicated and too close to home. That is easy. Since there are no strings attached to the realtionship and you're not dating, there is no issue or jealousy toworry about.
If she is mature, she'll understand.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2009): You go guy!!!!! Tell him it's not his fathers 48! Forty-eight is the new 38! lol...I wish you luck and I understand how you feel.
Over twenty years ago, when I was 36, I fell for a guy (gorgeous) who was 25. He cared for me as well. We realized it would never be more than friends with benefits and it would end at some point because I was moving away. It didn't stop us from loving eachother and being best friends (more really) I still think about him sometimes and wonder how he is. Be careful! Feel free to send a private msg if need be. Understand that I don't judge you and I know how things can become complicated and unreal! But your feelings are real! Don't deny them, deal with them from your heart and head (equally) I wish you luck!
Britt
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell eddie, first of all, I'm not a "balding chubby guy who's ogling over this girl". She approached me! Perhaps if you read my post again, you'll see that.
This is not about boosting my ego, I have dated other girls in their 20"s. She knows that, and her father knows that! Ever think that it may be an ego boost for a younger girl to have an older guy?
The point of who may boosting whos ego is IRRELEVANT!
Yes, she said it was just sex. HOWEVER, her point was, that when in a "committed" relationship, for her boyfriend to go and have sex with other girls, was NOT showing her respect. Are we in agreement on that? Then for her to say that she has "needs", this too is a normal human desire.
She and I have always gotten along well.
I have always been good to her.
I have always treated her with respect.
We are/were in agreement that it was a NO STRINGS attached, yet neither of us would have sex with anyone else! Meaning, we are not a couple, we are not dating, I do not have to answer to her, she does not have to answer to me. BUT, when it comes time for anything sexual, NEITHER of us do it with ANYONE besides each other!
Is that acting like an animal?
The respect of her dad??? How many times do I have to go over that??? I think I stated nearly 8 times that I felt bad, do I need to say it again?
Did I say she was "worldly"? maybe I need to go and read my own posts again?? Hmmm, Nope. Never said worldly! Just that she's all in all a pretty good girl who's had bad luck in relationships. I don't think the fact that she has a good job and comes from a wealthy family makes her worldly. Then again, maybe I'm just stupid and have a different definition of worldly! Hell, I don't think she's even been more than 100 miles from home, other than a trip to Disneyland when she was a child.
I do feel that 21 is beyond legal age, she is old enough to make her own decisions. However, being that she still lives in her parents house, she should still follow her parents rules! I think I stated that also.
Like I said, Her dad suggested that I accompany her in hopes that she would open up to me and tell me what is going on in her life. Where she is disappearing to? Where she spends the night? I already know the answers to those questions. She was with ME! I just cannot tell him that!
As I said in my first follow up, I know what I've been doing is WRONG! I don't need lecturing on that!
I was looking for advice on how to end this smoothly.
I guess some only see select words, neglecting to read what is actually in the posters actual text, then fill in their own version of a story, and then respond accordingly.
I'm getting to the point of being real sorry that I asked!
To Britt429,as far as your second post, I'm afraid you're right! It just can't be....
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reader, eddie +, writes (15 February 2009):
I'm the one who used the word traitor. I'm sorry if you found it on the heavy side but you did betray your friend. I'm almost 46 and have a daughter almost 20. The thought of one of my middle aged, chubby, balding pals ogling and touching her is not a pretty picture. Enough of that as you said you are aware you made a mistake.
"She clearly stated that this is just sex - Nothing else!" This is one of the lines form the end of your original post.
This is a line from your next entry..
"I'm sick of guys treating me like shit, and thinking that just because I have a good job and come from a well to do family, that I should have to pay their way while they go out and screw around like a bunch of wild animals. I have the same "needs" as anyone else! If I'm going to do it, I want to do it with someone who respects me"! I do RESPECT her!"
What's the deal? On one hand she says it's sex and nothing else. That's simple enough to understand. On the other hand she doesn't like the fact of people going out and having sex like a bunch of wild animals. So this means that she can have sex with who she chooses, on a very casual basis but others are "wild animals". This doesn't ring true to me. If he tells you it's all about the sex, where is the respect? Quite often people do not respect people who have sex with people in such a willy nilly manner.
As for respect, what about the respect for her dad? Also, just because someone has reached the legal age to make decisions does not mean they are as astute as the older people around them. Her dad suggested you accompany her because you were older and wiser.
So you might consider bowing out gracefully. She said she only wanted sex. It sounds like she got it. Do her a favour. You're 48 and she's 21. While this is a boost to your ego, let it go. If you really want what's best for her, thank her for the ego boost and tell her you feel rotten about the implications surrounding the event. If she is as worldly as you say, she'll understand. If she doesn't understand, she's not as wise as you give her credit for.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2009): After reading your follow-up, I realize you love this girl, and you know what...her father is pushing you two together...You are both normal human beings of the opposite sex...what does he expect? Why doesn't he take her to the game? Why isn't he trying build on thier relationship?
I am seeing this in a different light now. Sounds like the makings of a great movie! A great lovestory! And since I am a big fan of lovestories (especially real ones)
I would love this situation to have a happy ending!
You and she, need to talk about the situation, but now I am rooting for you guys! So, whether you know it or not...you are falling in love! I hope you don't get hurt!
I wish you luck!
Britt
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWith a variety of responses reminding me that I betrayed my friend, violated his trust, and one, calling me a traitor, I have to say.
I fully understand that I got myself in to this! I was by no means looking for justification, but rather how to end it with her, and leave her with a good feeling. I do feel bad about it!
Yes, I remember the Amy Fisher/Joey Butifuco saga. However, this girl isn't a nut case as Amy was.
Yes, it's the friendship that is most important to me!!
This is a text book example of hindsight being 20/20.
All in all, she's a good girl. Their relationship is good, as per her dad. She and her mom however, that's a different story. Her mom and I don't quite get along very well either. Maybe that's what drew her to me. She's a daddy's girl, and she and her mom are like oil and water.
I know I need to get away from her, but with him wanting me to spend more time with her in an effort to see what she's up to,,, as I said, they think she's out running around, getting drunk, doing who knows what and sleeping who knows where! I've never seen the girl drunk. I do not see her as "out of control", but rather a girl who works hard and has had the worst of luck with boyfriends!
Her words: "I'm sick of guys treating me like shit, and thinking that just because I have a good job and come from a well to do family, that I should have to pay their way while they go out and screw around like a bunch of wild animals. I have the same "needs" as anyone else! If I'm going to do it, I want to do it with someone who respects me"! I do RESPECT her!
While I'm needing to get away from her, he's pushing for us to do things together. He just called last night, and says" I have tickets to a hockey game, she loves hockey! How about you take her, and see what you might get out of her?"
I truly feel terrible about this. I realize I have betrayed him !
I'll take the advice from rcm and Cinder20, and try and make this ALL about me being in the wrong. I don't want to "kick her in the gut" so to speak, and leave her feeling like I was just using her. If she were not my friends daughter, I would have NO desire to end this. She is a really great girl, all I want is what's best for her, and a means of moving past this without hurting her or her father.
Yes, this is something I'll have to live with. I know I was wrong for what I did!
It's just hard to find the happy medium whereas he wants me to spend time with her, and I need to get away from her.
I can't very well say to him:" Oh, no need to worry man, she's not out drinking and being stupid. All those times that she disappeared and was acting secretive about where she was,and the nights she didn't come home, It's OK, she was at my place". Yeah,, that'd be smooth!
I was hoping for advice on what to say to her that may leave her feeling good about herself, rather than have it pointed out that I was in the wrong. I already knew that!!!
It's how to handle the situation is where I needed help!
but
Thanks anyway........
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reader, eddie +, writes (15 February 2009):
You are a traitor. There are certain boundaries we don't cross. There is no sexual encounter worth the amount of honour you've sacrificed. This brief moment in your life is something you'll have to carry for ever.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2009): I agree with rcn. This about boundaries, and I understand that it would've been difficult for you to resist. You have betrayed your friends trust.
She is rebelling against her parents, and using you to do it! It's reminicent of Amy Fisher. Do you know who she is? Remember the whole Joey Butifuco thing in the 90's?
This girl is just as out of control as she was (thank God you're single)
I would be very careful as to how you do it, but I would try to end it before it goes any further. The reason I say be careful is that out of anger over being rejected, she can turn around and tell her dad that you raped her! (scorned women have been known to do that)
You have gotten yourself into a real dilemma, and I wish you luck getting yourself out of it!
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2009): Its not 'just about sex' for you. It can never be.
If you didn't know her father and weren't friends, then it would be. But you are friends with her dad and so more is at risk than just a younger woman potentially being more virile then you.
A friendship is at risk. What do you think her father is going to think when he finds out (and believe me, he will. Things like this never stay hidden forever)?
It may feel good when you are together. But the fallout will potentially tear the family asunder. She and you are playing not only with fire here, but indeed swimming in a lake of lava from the very rivers of hell itself.
It's just waiting to burn you and her and everyone involved with either of you.
End it now. Tell her that you feel now that you are risking a great friendship and can't do it anymore. Make sure she leaves feeling like it's not about her and you still find her sexually attractive, but that that you are just not interested in doing it anymore.
If she leaves and isn't angry, then there will be far less a risk that she will blab to her parents just to spite you.
You should have kept it in you pants and never let this situation go as far as it has.
If you lose your friend over this, then you have no one else to blame but yourself,
Flynn 24
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reader, rcn +, writes (15 February 2009):
This is not about having sex with a beautiful girl. It's about setting boundaries to keep a friendship. It may be just sex, but is that worth loosing this friendship?
My first impression reading this is "rebellion". How is her relationship with her parents? She's out of control to a certain extent, but is using you as part of her being out of control. The problem is she's wrapping you into this and causing a possibility of loosing a friend too.
Be honest with her, and tell her it can't continue.
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