A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I need help getting to the bottom of my feelings. My partner and I split up earlier this year after 4 years together. After quite a few conversations in between then and now, we decided to try and make it work again. He was the one though that texted me after the split and was desperate to try and sort things out between us. I really didn't know what to do as although we get on really well, I'd lost something from the relationship and in my feelings for him. We didn't live together. We both have children from other relationships. We've been back together now since the beginning of September and I know it seems so daft that I know we get on really well and he really does think the world of me but I really don't know if I can give him the same back. I really can't get back to the way we used to be (going out with the kids etc) and seeing each other whenever we could. I somehow find myself making excuses not to see him and I know that can't be right. I really can't get the feelings back that I need to make the relationship work - I seem to see him now as a male friend somehow when we are together but I can't feel that same physical attraction for him that I once did no matter how I try.How can I get to the bottom of my feelings - I really don't want to hurt him but I'm not sure I could spend the rest of my life with him either. Do I carry on for the time being and see if the feelings return? Many thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi - thanks for all of your advice. I think the problem lies in the fact that I was the one that ended the relationship and as he kept contacting me, I somehow felt a duty to meet him because ultimately I am a nice person and didn't want to hurt him.Perhaps I should have stuck to the original decision? I don't know but now I feel an enormous amount of strain to keep the relationship going. Any further advice? Thanks.
A
male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (29 October 2007):
 I think you probably have got to the bottom of your emotions. You just need a way to understand their strength. Maybe this might help. Think of the phrases people use to describe how they feel : madly in love; head-over-heels; love him with all my heart. Now convert these expressions of love to a rating on a scale from 0-10 . At the low end 0 and 1, I guess we have terms such as really really like; I love him but don't miss him. You can devise your scale. Now put your love for this man on the scale. Do you feel your love will become deeper with time or not. If you can't answer that now, come back to it in say, a month or two, and see what your feelings are then. You will know which way it's moving then.
Once you have determined how you really feel, you can then look at what you want to do about it. But sort out the feelings first.
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