A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Mixed signals. I am back with my ex. His actions say love and commitment. But his words say he does not want a commitment. He says he does not want to see or be with anyone else exceot ne, but he does not want a commitment. I do not realy understand the confusing messages he is sending. Does this mean no marriage? I don't really know. He is the one who came back and took the friedship to the next step. Is he just afraid ans I should just give it a bit of time? He says he loves me, I am beautiful, loves spending time with. He is driving me nuts with his mixed signals. He has been alone a long time. Should I cut him off completely or give him more time? I love him very much but I don't want to waste my time with nothing to come of it eventually. It will break my heart to leave, but maybe I should and see if he comes around. Or should I should hang in there in see what happens. Any advice? I know sometimes it might be better and walk away and see if he comes back. But he has already come back. What do I do?
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female
reader, Tigerlily +, writes (16 August 2009):
RhythmandBlues keeps referencing Rori Raye... (girlfriend trap, power speech) and she's really great BTW. here's a great article. http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2009): When you give him your power speech, you are still offering sexual exclusivity to him, but you are leaving your heart open to other men....your heart belongs to you.
He has to know that he could stand to lose you forever to someone else and if he really loves you it may be the motivation that he needs to step up and claim you as the ONE he wants to be with for the rest of his life.
Men and women view commitment differently. We mistakenly think that time spent, and certain events mean that he is moving along to happily ever after with us and he just needs more time. Men view all of this as they are simply dating us and they can get off that path to commitment any time they decide to do so. Of course they have feelings, of course they enjoy us and our naked body in their bed every night, but the number one reason that men do not get married is that they can get sex any where, seriously that is it, so withholding sex as a way to get what you want is counter productive. He has to want the same things that you want first and foremost, but he may not be motivated to change anything until you let him know that you are moving on your path to what you want, which is happily ever after with a man who will step up and claim you.
That is how you handle the sex part of this. If he doesn't step up, then you aren't wasting your time, you are letting him know he can take as long as he wants, but he may lose you to some other great man who will step up and claim you and offer you what you want, a lifelong commitment; happily ever after. That is fair, it is being a grown up, it is taking care of yourself and directing your own life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt was my ex who was the problem following us around for months until get a Restraining order. Where to read about how to handle the sex?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2009): Reread my advice on how to handle the sex part or any part of this relationship.
A crazy ex is not a cause of a problem if he didn't want her around she wouldn't have been...sounds like he is covering his tracks on that one.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey thank you for the gresat answer. My only concern is the sex ..if he wants to be exclusive but not commited don't you think that sex should go out of the equation. That perhaps we should be friends. The sex thing is a tough question but I don't want to be a FWB either. I don't know this is a tough one because maybe he needs time or maybe I just shouldn't give it all to him if he has his options open. Keep in mind that this was a man who had wanted me to move in, but we had an outside circumstance that caused a problem - not our feelings for each other - but the crzy "ex". If I didn't love this man I would continue on like this but I do, so I just don't know what the answer is w/ him. His fear is great I don't know why, something in his past perhaps. He has jsut started to open up a bit his is a good man but is very closed when it comes to his emotions that invovle his heart. Sometimes I think distance is the answer leave him alone and let him see how it is without me, others times I think better to stay in his life. I just don't know. He does get a bit jealous though.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2009): I agree with Tigerlily. You have to be understanding towards him but calmly tell him what your dreams are. Then you need to give him time and space. You cannot pressure a guy into commitment...it will only push him further away. It is impossible to know whether or not he will ever be ready, so maybe give it a deadline. Be patient and focus on enjoying each other's company, and then decide at a later date if your gut tells you there's a future with him. For now try not to think so far into the future and simply enjoy your time together. As much as we like to spend a great deal of time and energy trying to determine if there's a future with someone, some guys need more time and freedom than others to decide. Just don't let him keep you waiting forever.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2009): If he is telling you he wants no commitment but he wants exclusivity with you, then he is saying he has no interest in happily ever after with you.
What he is doing is putting you in the girlfriend "trap". What this means is he is perfectly happy having you all to himself and as long as you are cool with it and don't want to marry him either then he has what he wants on his terms.
He doesn't lack insight into what you want, he lacks motivation.
So how do you motivate a guy to commit? Well, you can't convince him by talking to him, you can't have the talk and expect to get results. What you can do is make an announcement that you understand he isn't ready to commit to you and that he can take all the time he needs, but that you aren't interested in being a girlfriend any longer, the time has passed for you being a girlfriend (you are in your 40's after all) that what you want is happily ever after. While he is taking his time to decide tell him that he can't have you all to himself. Tell him that you will be keeping time with some other men if you want to do so, that you are leaving yourself open to dating others, but that you intend to remain sexually faithful to him. If he should decide to date other women, then you will consider that a decision on his part to move on completely and so will you. But, you being the female in the equation, you have the priveledge of being courted, and sought after and asked to be the ONE that he wants to be with forever. He has told you how he feels about you, and you accept that, but if and until he steps up to claim you as the one in his life, you will not be 100% available to him...you will have your own life nnd own interests and hope that he will find his way to want the same thing as you do.
He has to know that he can loose you forever. This is not an ultimatum, it is a power speech. You are putting all your cards on the table and being an adult, you are going to take care of yourself first and foremost.
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female
reader, Tigerlily +, writes (9 August 2009):
Just be honest. Tell him you completely understand that he's not ready for a commitment and you aren't going to pressure him for one. But you want a committed relationship in your life so if he can't do that then he will have to understand that eventually you will move on. Just be really calm. Then forget it and give it a few months and see what happens. Just say what you want and give him the breathing room to do whatever he needs to do.
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